SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS 2014

 

It’s always exciting to see this awards show that Mr. X and I actually vote on, but this year was even moreso because I was on the SAG Nominating Committee for film.

It’s also good to watch the shortest awards show, and not have to sit through over three hours of baloney.

I just want you all to know that I’m a fan of many of these people I’m discussing, sometimes personally, most professionally. Saying they look bad, or whatever, doesn’t mean I’m diminishing their talents; I’m just calling things as I see them.

Here are my thoughts as it was happening, with the arrivals section after the one on the telecast. They did show a few snaps of the arrivals at the top of the actual show airing, though, so I’m sharing just a few of those thoughts, as well.

Jennifer Lawrence was finally wearing an excellent dress for her.

Who knew Sandra Bullock‘s feet were so gnarly?! Ugh. They showed her from the feet up, and I swear, I thought they were those of an old woman! I was wondering what dowager was wearing such nerdy shoes, with her feet falling out of them in the middle! I like Sandra, but she should not have worn a calf-length dress that drew the eye to those unattractive bad boys!

I hate saying this one, but I did not know that Forest Whitaker‘s poor

wife was anorexic. I also hate to say it, but seriously, been there, done that, so I can honestly tell her–eat now! If he needs it, I can give him the recipe for the concoction Mr. X came up with back them to make me put on some much-needed pounds. (I wish I could give some of them back now, though!)

People in the audience at the top of show just did not know how to behave. They were eating, talking, drinking, looking around, and staring into the camera while various famous guests were doing that bit about being “an actor.”

Stubble doesn’t work with self-tanner, boys. It gives that area of your face a yellow-ish hue, like nicotine on the hands of smokers.

I hate that Juliette Leslie is a scientologist, but I think she’s a great actress. And I love that she said she’s an “actress,” rather than the pretentious “actor” that every female in SAG says at the top of the show bits.

Who is doing Kaley Cuoco‘s make-up nowadays??? It was too dark and green at the Golden Globes, and scarily blue here at the SAGs. I love her on Big Bang Theory, and think she’s a sweet girl, but, let’s call a spade a spade—her face is not very good-looking to begin with, (though she has a killer body,) and this make-up makes her look soooo much worse.

Speaking of Kaley, there are a couple of mean, jealous, unattractive girls on the web who always rag on her new husband, tennis player Ryan Sweeting, for no reason. But he did look a little suspicious when his wife was doing her opening bit.

Steve Coogan‘s opening bit about being “an actor” was the funniest one! Love that guy.

I also love that this show has no host to bog it down.

Oprah looked miserable every time the camera caught her.

Once again, Lupita Nyong’o had an excellent dress.

Jared Leto gave a perfect speech.

I know Kerry Washington is pregnant, but her outfit was putrid. And did her shirt open in the back on-stage?

Okay, I have to admit at this point that Kaley’s husband does look a bit sinister.

How rude of Kevin Spacey to say “Julia Louise Dreyfus,” when everyone in the biz should know it’s pronounced “Louie!” Or maybe he was just living up to his last name.

Julia did an amusing acceptance bit, no matter how you pronounce her last name.

Josh Holloway and Pauley Perrette looked just like beauty and the beast, only he’s the beauty, so…

And is that woman ever going to wash her hair??? How does she have a job on TV? It must be horrible to be an actor who has to be near someone with always-dirty hair! And why did she wear it so that we all could see her bald spots on the side? Let that be a lesson to everyone—wash your hair often or you’ll lose it!!! Ugh.

Ty Burrell’s speech was excellent.

Oprah was shocked that no one cared about her when she entered the stage. And her accent is more British now than Helen Mirren‘s! But she did deserve the acting nod just for speaking in her natural-born speech in The Butler.

I’m sad to say that Modern Family‘s Julie Bowen was an idiot on-stage when that cast won! She kept mentioning Sophia Vergara‘s boobs. Classy.

Sophia’s shoes were way too high, and crazy.

Not that anyone cares, but SAG-AFTRA President Ken Howard‘s eye make-up was running. He looked like something out of the Addams Family. His union-butt-kissing speech made the HFPA (the much-reviled group who puts on the Golden Globes,) look sweethearts. And his clapping into the mike was extra crazy.

The SAGs made time for the Union Presidents’s unnecessary speech, but they don’t ever have time for supporting actors in TV categories. Nice, my union.

I love Helen Mirren, no matter what. She’s such a much better actor than Al Pacino, (with whom she starred in Phil Spector,) yet she was classy enough to say she learned from him.

I hate to say it, but Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts‘ presentation was pathetic.

Michael Douglas gave a nice speech.

I didn’t want to mention Morgan Freeman‘s messed-up hand, but now that I’ve been going through a similar thing, I notice it more, and feel for him. But, I’m sorry to say, it looked like it was just flopping there, when he walked out on stage, and then he immediately clasped it behind his back. So, I’m afraid his situation is looking much worse than mine, which is taking a long time, but at least it’s healing.

Rita Moreno looks great, but why would she feature eighty-two-year-old saggy cleavage???

Dermot Mulroney was nice to escort Rita up to the stage, since the powers-that-be over there obviously hadn’t arranged anything. He just deposited and disappeared. Good for him!

Re: Rita Moreno, on accepting her Lifetime Achievement Award: The woman can still sing. And she made the most of her time up there. What an interesting drama queen, in a mostly good way.

Jennifer Garner looks like such a nice person.

James Marsden looked awful, for him.

I’m really so proud of my fellow actors to have voted for the always-perfect Maggie Smith. When I cast my vote for her, I thought it would be her one vote! (Well, two, counting Mr. X’s, that I influence.)

Such horrible bleeding lipstick on Sarah Paulson!

Who’s Sasha Alexander? They should have given us her credits. Everyone else is famous, whether we watch their actual work or not, but I never even heard her name before! (And, by the way, “Sasha” and “Alexander” are the same name! If you don’t believe me, just ask a Russian.)

Bryan Cranston singing like Rita Moreno (upon his win) was very rude, but kind-of funny.

I never saw Breaking Bad, but that was one gnarly-looking cast up on that stage!!!

Why is gorgeous Matthew McConaughey wearing that butt ugly tuxedo jacket????

Was Bruce Dern asleep during the announcing of his category??? I really think he was!

I’m thrilled for Matthew McConaughey! But I didn’t understand his acceptance speech for one minute. He should have just said, “aw right, aw right, aw right,” and thanked the peeps from his film.

I love Nick Cannon and respect Forest Whitaker, but they looked way too sour when Matthew won. Shame on them.

Cate Blanchett was amusing in her speech, but giving a hand job to the naked statuette was one of the most classless things ever done on these shows. That’s what you do for your pals in private! (That gesture on the statue, not the actual act on them.) Is she not aware that young people watch this star-studded show? That was really disgusting of her, and gets worse in my opinion as I re-think it.

And she shouldn’t have said the costumer of Blue Jasmine “did it all for a dollar ninety-nine.” That made Woody Allen sound so cheap. She shouldn’t have taken a shot like that, especially since she’s been saying how she begged to work with him!

Jennifer Lawrence is always pulling-up her dress on her chest. She should stop wearing strapless gowns!!!!!!

Why does Christian Bale always live up to his last name? Maybe it’s because he hasn’t been individually nominated, but in this case, he should have been there with his award-winning American Hustle cast mates. Unless he’s working, or sick.

Speaking of classless, (as I was a few comments ago,) what about Cuba Gooding, Jr. jumping up on the stage at the end to say this is all about MLK??? And I don’t think they even serve alcohol at this one!!!

 

ARRIVALS ON E

 

I love to watch the E walk-ins because I get to speed through most of the long, drawn-out show; I refuse to waste even a second of my limited time on earth on the creepy hosts and commentators.

I guess this lesser awards show was beneath usual host Ryan Seacrest to show up for.

It was disgusting that Ariel Winter was popping her humongous teen-age boobs out! And her mother is the crazy one???

What a gorgeous bracelet on that dark-haired woman with the little teeth from Homeland and V.

I can’t stand this inane chatter!!! No wonder Mr. X refuses to watch this pap.

When no one else is coming along, they make the interviewees stand there and answer inane question after inane question. But the second someone else comes along, they give the first ones the bum’s rush out of there.

I don’t know who Katrina Bowden is, nor her hairdresser, but they should have tamed those hundreds of horrible flyaways!!! OMG! She looked like she stuck her finger in a socket. (Someone obviously fixed it between entering the premises and talking to E. Maybe they heard me screaming all the way from my house!)

I love that Jared Leto bought his mom. She’s actually very attractive for a woman with long gray hair.

I love that Holly Hunter didn’t go along with the bull**** small talk.

How gorgeous is Josh Holloway??? I can’t believe that no one was there to greet him and escort him in!

I assume Liza Minnelli was there for Rita Moreno, but they didn’t even mention her, in any way.

I just adore fancy dresses with pockets, likes Sarah Hyland‘s.

I really like Dermot Mulroney, but his slicked-back greasy hair was nauseating. He always seems like such an honest, sweet guy.

I really liked Anna Gunn‘s navy blue dress.

I’ve never seen Game of Thrones, but Emilia Clarke seemed lovely.

I predict a new couple alert; the above-mentioned Emilia and Jared Leto. They just met, but look great together.

As happens with more couples than not as they get older, poor Jason Bateman‘s wife looks like she’s his mother. And her messy ponytail looked like she just woke-up, and not in a sexy way.

Julie Bowen needs to wear high-necked dresses with sleeves because her bony body is not attractive, especially with her swayback. And I’m a fan of thin! And her dress was ripped at a seam right in the front, but that didn’t stop her form showing it off. I used to like her, but she’s gotten more and more phony-talking.

I still like Sophia Vergara, but, for once, her dress missed. The back of the Donna Karan creation was good, but the front made her look like she had a weird big belly, which she definitely does not!

For Barkhad Abdi to ever work again, he needs extensive dental work. I’m shocked he hasn’t had it already. He’s seems so nice, though.

Gretchen Mol‘s white dress looked sort of like what I’ve made out of sheets at guys’ houses back in the day, but she looked gorgeous in it.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but shockingly, even though that weirdo E host, Ross, is annoying, he’s not the worst interviewer. Except for that horrible woman voice of his.

Oprah was in dire need of under-eye de-puffer. She has no excuse to have eye puffs like that when she can afford creams. I guess she’s never heard of Hollywood Eye Magic.

Oprah’s wasn’t sure who designed her dress. How obnoxious of her. And she didn’t know how to pronounce “Badgley Mishka,” the ones who did the deed.

Ladies—when are you going to realize that the kielbasa sausage hairdo is a capital NO!?!

I love Amy Adams, but she sorely needs a tan.

Did Cate Blanchett not know she would be seen that night? That pink monstrosity she had on was horrible, and her hair was a mess.

She did engage in a nice convo, though, rather than the usual pat answers.

Has Kevin Spacey come out yet and I missed it? OMG, right after I wrote that, the hostess asked him, “Is this fun for you, coming out?,” and then she quickly added “red carpet?” To which he answered, “It’s sort-of that closet thing,” referring to the red carpet. But I felt those particular words were in bold with him.

Julia Roberts has gained almost as much weight as I have! She looks like a middle-aged housewife from the back.

Jennifer Garner’s hair was the only up-do that looked good.

Mariah Carey gained weight, too. Now I know what I look like in my tight mini dresses at this advanced weight, and it’s not pretty!

Poor Sandra Bullock looked awful on every level; gown, hair, skin, no earrings, feet. I like her, but I have to report fairly about everyone.

It’s nice that Kaley Cuoco loves that new husband.

It seemed like Julia Roberts was on purpose holding her purse in front of her stomach, which was really sticking out. And that woman needs braces.

Emma Thompson‘s flat sandals actually were very attractive. And so smart of her to wear! They’re exactly what I need for fancy events, since I can’t wear heels again until my broken back gets fixed.

That’s it for the SAGs. Now it’s on to my Grammys thoughts in a week! So get some rest now! With so much attendant craziness, that should be a loooong one.