GOLDEN GLOBES 2024
Awards season has caught me off-guard this year. I’ve been concentrating on the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the nominations for which were just announced this morning, (and for which I have to vote by February 23rd,) so this past Sunday’s Golden Globes and next week’s Emmys and Critics Choice Awards have taken me a bit by surprise.
Emma Stone, just one of the women who needed a tan and to cover their chests!!! Photo by Karen Salkin, as is the one at the top of this page.
On top of that, Sunday was also the last day of the NFL regular season, so there were six televised football games, all that I wanted to watch. (And did, until after 3AM!) And then right as I was deciding whether to watch the Bills-Dolphins game or the Golden Globes live, (and then stay up all night to watch the other,) we had… a power outage! (Thank goodness it lasted under three hours, but that really set me back. And almost messed-up my recordings of them. But, knock on wood, my beautiful mind was able to work it out so I missed nothing!)
Also, the only TV nominated show I’ve seen is Abbott Elementary, and the only movie is Barbie, (which I hated. Lest you forget, here’s your reminder of why: itsnotaboutme.tv/news/movie-review-barbie-movie-do-not-take-the-kids-and-stay-away-yourself.) So I had no dogs in any of the races.
But as the show went on, being mostly really bad, I realized that I had better start taking notes and then review the proceedings for you. My proofreaders, the Rampino girls, Patty and Carol, (along with many others of you,) always tell me thanks for doing that, so that they don’t have to watch this nuttiness themselves! Happy to oblige.
So here we go:
The entire Golden Globes presentation was uncomfortable to watch, on soooo many levels. The seats were way too close together with no clear path to the stage for the winners; there was nobody escorting them up the stairs to the stage, as there have always been!; the round stage being so far forward was just stupid, and rude to many of the first-level-of-tables guests; and having the presenters face a camera on the side of said stage meant that half the room was looking at their butts the whole time! It was all just crazy.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon presenting while half the assemblage had to stare at their butts! Ugh. Photo by Karen Salkin.
I’m assuming that, because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, (whose awards these are,) are trying to re-brand themselves, and perhaps also because this year the show was on CBS as opposed to its former-forever-home NBC, everyone involved was trying to do things differently. Even though most of the bigwigs in the biz showed up, few people in show business really respect these awards. There weren’t even any arrivals shows this year, even from the sycophant channel, E!
But the absolutely most egregious offense of the evening was the host, Jo Koy. I had never heard of him, and hope never to again!!! I understand that, in a desperate move, they hired him just a few days before, because no one else would take the gig, but come on—he was absolutely awful. Even worse than last year’s host, Jerrod Carmichael, which I didn’t think was possible.
And here’s the worst offender in the no-tan-and-crazy-bare-chest category, Julia Garner.
Besides that Koy’s jokes weren’t funny, and that he kept chucking at everything he said because no one else was, he swallowed many of the potential punchlines, which made it all even worse. And then he kept reprimanding the audience for not laughing, insisting that his jokes are funny! He was even worse than I was, when I opened for The Temptations and Four Tops at a theatre in Beverly Hills a few decades ago! And I could be forgiven because I wasn’t a stand-up comedian; I was just sort-of thrown out there to the wolves because the talent booker for the theatre was a fan of my TV show. (I said yes to the offer because I wanted to meet those guys, and get all my friends to, as well. So the gig actually worked out on those levels.)
Here are my last words on Jo Koy’s monologue: Yes, he was definitely an unfunny idiot, but his dumb line about Taylor Swift, “The big difference between the Golden Globes and the NFL [is that] on the Golden Globes, we have fewer camera shots of Taylor Swift,” was seriously no big deal. It was actually a joke about the TV coverage of her at her boyfriend’s games this season, not a criticism of her. She could have just been a good sport about it, as the incredible Meryl Streep was when he kept talking about her. Jo even joked that he loved Meryl in Black Panther, (which she was not in,) and did the “Wakanda Forever” salute on-camera when he told her to. That is class, something Swift obviously lacks; she just stared the poor guy down when he made that NFL joke, which made everyone in attendance more uncomfortable and afraid to even chuckle at it. That was actually just about his only amusing comment of the night!
Co-stars Meryl Streep and Martin Short, who we really do wish were dating! It’s also the absolute best they both have ever looked! Photo by Karen Salkin.
Also making this Golden Globes a tad strange for us is that I didn’t know who half of those people are, and Mr. X knew only about a quarter of them!
I have a few more general complaints about the show, and then I’ll get into the few specific insights I want to share:
Were all the potential winners told to say only first names of the people they were thanking? Everybody did that, which is just rude and, in some cases, pretentious. Like the audience is supposed to know about whom they’re speaking! And maybe the thank-ees families would have liked to hear their names. If that was, indeed, an instruction from the producers, was it to make the show go faster? Maybe I should do the same here, and let you guess just whom I’m talking about each time. [Note: I think Paul Giamatti was the only one who said last names, so good for him.]
And the presenters rarely named the film that people won for! They just said the winners’ names, which oft times none of us remembered from the nominees list.
And why was there no DeMille honoree this year? It’s given to someone big in the biz for “outstanding contributions to the world of entertainment,” and is always a highlight. And there was no recently-established Carol Burnett award, either, which honors someone’s contribution to television, as opposed to film. Those two prestigious awards would have helped this telecast immensely. Maybe cut out some of the inane presenter patter next time, and give out the important honors!
Now here are the few thoughts I recorded (late) as the show went on:
Keri Russell and Ray Romano‘s bit was amusing. Keri really sold it.
Jim Gaffigan, who presented the award for stand-up comedy special, said that this was the “first time stand-up has been acknowledged at a major awards show.” That’s not true—both the Emmys and Tonys have done it, in a way.
Selena Gomez’s fabulous nails and jewelry. And even hair! Photo by Karen Salkin.
But I was both thrilled and shocked that the deserving Ricky Gervais won; shocked because the HFPA always seems to hate him. Yes, they do beg him to host again, but he still maligns them on-air when he does! So I felt like they nominated him just to embarrass him by not having him win. That’s why his victory was such a shock. And then Ricky not showing-up to accept in person was sort-of a slap in their faces. Good for him!
Kevin Costner actually made me laugh. His act with America Ferrara was so stupid, but I couldn’t help myself.
I hate to say it, because her acting and horrible nasal voice really annoy me, but the absolute best manicure and jewelry combo was on Selena Gomez. Her almost-top hair bun was working, as well.
As she walked out, I honestly thought that Florence Pugh was an old woman! She’s so creepy. I said, “Peeew” to Pugh! (And she should never stand next to Natalie Portman ever again.) Mr. X said of her, “What’s with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo?”
Florence Pugh and her weird ‘do, with Natalie Portman. Photo by Karen Salkin.
It made me sort-of sad that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck got so old-looking.
Christopher Nolan gave a nice speech. Cillian Murphy gave a sweet one, as well.
My award for best duo of the night goes to Andra Day, (who looked the most gorgeous of everybody, by far—how can one person be so musically gifted and so stunning???,) and (most likely stoned or drunk) Jon Batiste. They were so fun.
Andra Day and Jon Batiste. Photo by Karen Salkin.
Was Billie Eilish auditioning for Poor Things II??? Why would anyone go to an awards show looking like a homeless person who had thrown on everything she owns so she wouldn’t have to pay the luggage fee at the airport??? And don’t get me started on her vomititious hair-do!
The new category, Cinematic and Box Office Achievement, seemed to be basically for movies that aren’t good enough to be nominated for “Best” anything, (except for Oppenheimer, of course. But I feel that they threw that one into the proceedings just to give the category some cachet.) Also, I had thought that they for sure created it just to get Taylor Swift there by giving her something. But they must have just wanted to humiliate her because they gave it instead to Barbie, a movie that’s not good enough to win anything in a real category!
Billie Eilish, looking even worse than usual.
Margot Robbie is the most gorgeous person! Not Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly stunning, but a close third. I’m so glad to finally see her husband in almost real-life—he’s also gorgeous. He does not photograph that well, so this was a fun surprise for me.
That was the least make-up and jewelry Kylie Jenner ever wore! And the best she ever looked. Perchance her new beau Timothee Chalamet told her enough is enough. Or, as Mr. X posited, he told her to leave those categories for him to do!
Lionel Boyce, who accepted an award for The Bear, (but I didn’t get what his job is on that show,) gave a good, honest, real speech. I enjoyed everything he said.
Too bad Elizabeth Banks didn’t have time to wash her hair.
Mr. X said the two guys from Suits look like the ex-boyfriend and new beau from a Hallmark Christmas movie. I totally agree.
Elizabeth Banks and her filthy hair, with beautiful Dua Lipa, whose face appears to commenting on her co-presenter’s locks, as well. Photo by Karen Salkin.
I haven’t seen it, but how was The Color Purple not nominated for Best Musical or Comedy?! It’s the only musical all year!
On a fashion note, big clunky necklaces seemed to be the order of the night.
Many people looked downright dreadful, but here’s my list of the presenters and winners who stood-out the most for looking awful: Annette Benning, who is in desperate need of some teeth whitener!; the several women who were in deep need of a tan: Hunter Shafer, (whoever she is,) Florence Pugh, Emma Stone, and Julia Garner, (and why were they featuring their complete lack of boobs???); and the worst one by far–Da’Vine Joy Randolph, whose boobs literally popped out, (we saw areola,) and trust me—no one wanted to see them. I had never heard of her, so I actually thought she was perhaps a female impersonator!
Da’Vine Joy Randolph. Why would anyone want to feature their boobs like that???
And that’s a wrap for the 2024 Golden Globes! Now that I remember how to rag on write about awards shows, it’s on to the Emmys next week! I’m sharpening my fangs right now.
