BARBIE MOVIE—DO NOT TAKE THE KIDS!!! (AND STAY AWAY YOURSELF!)

Sadly for me, (and possibly all of us,) who love(d) our precious Barbie dolls, Barbie is a complete and utter disappointment! It’s the 2023 version of The Emperor’s New Clothes. (That means that most people are scared to say what I’m saying for fear of being shamed. But I have no such fear; you know I always call ‘em as I see ‘em!)

The only good things about the movie are Ryan Gosling, (who is very funny for the limited time he’s in it,) Helen Mirren’s occasional and witty narration, getting to drink in Margot Robbie’s beauty if you’re an aesthete, (as I am,) and in that same vein, the gorgeous colors, which are all ones I love, of the sets and costumes.

But that’s it. Barbie is totally awful the rest of the time. I expected it to be charming and amusing, but Barbie is barely funny–I laughed exactly twice, (and not heartily, I may add,) and Mr. X chuckled a few more times than that, mainly during the opening segment and at Ryan’s deliveries. (He told me that he laughed more in the first fifteen minutes than he laughed in the whole next hour and thirty-nine minutes!)

By the way, Mr. X and I rarely agree on entertainments, (he’s much more forgiving than I am,) so that we do on this one is saying something. He actually didn’t want to admit to agreeing with me at first, but then he couldn’t help it. As we left the theatre, he said, “I expect to have more laughs at Oppenheimer!”

The main problem is the story itself; it’s just ridiculous. And annoying. And confusing. It makes little, if any, sense. I have never been a fan of director Greta Gerwig’s work, nor that of her husband and co-writer here, Noah Baumbach, so I should not have been surprised, but because of all the ads and articles and misleading trailers of the film, I got my hopes up. (I read an article where Margot Robbie said that she and her producing team gave that duo free range on the script. I hope they’ve learned their lesson now!)

There are a million different ways to tell a story about Barbie! My friends and I came up with better ones when we were tweens!!!

A pal, (who wants to remain anonymous, due to the backlash that we know I will receive for most of my thoughts here,) wrote to me about how bad the plot line is, saying she doesn’t understand “why going in Barbie’s car, then a Barbie boat, then a Barbie rocket ship, a skateboard, and then some other mode of Barbie transportation, got Barbie out of Barbie Land into the real physical world.” And that’s just for starters! She also didn’t like (nor did I,) that Barbie was doing all that “to find the lady who was thinking negative thoughts about her own personal failures and how hard it is being a woman, plus thoughts of death while playing with her Barbie.” Along those lines, she also pointed-out that the powers-that-be for the film have “based an entire movie on some random Californian woman’s low self-esteem thinking, that just happened to transfer to her Barbie doll, and when Barbie started to decompose mentally by asking about dying and then her feet became flat, she had to find this woman to put a stop to this woman’s negativity so Barbie could go back to being a Barbie doll.” (Wow—my friend understood way more than I did!) She also hated that Barbie then met the creator of the doll, “who told Barbie she had a double mastectomy and gave Barbie her blessing to go back to the real physical world and become a real woman.” I’m with her on all of it! (And we encourage your own thoughts, yay or nay, in the Comments section below. You can post as “Anonymous” if you like.)

Even with my 147IQ, I couldn’t follow all of that inane storyline, (nor did I wind-up wanting to,) so how are kids going to figure it out?!

Speaking of the kids, I do not admonish to not let them see Barbie because of the occasional weak allusion to s-e-x, nor about how little they’ll understand of the crazy action, but because of this: Near the end of the movie, (the punchline of which is that Barbie goes to a gynecologist!–charming ending, right?,) the “inventor” of the doll, (who should really be referred to as the “creator,” not “inventor,” but that’s just a nitpick,) says that all humans are going to die!!! How would you like to be a little kid seeing colorful “dolls,” no matter how stupid the story is, and then hearing that you, your family, and friends are all going to die??? I can’t even imagine how much that could ruin a child’s current life, or scar them for eternity!!! That’s just cruel of the filmmakers. Kids don’t want to think about death when they’re watching a movie about their dolls!!!

I seriously do not know what is wrong with the people who deem it to be good. (On any level other than the set!)

I have a feeling many are just too afraid to say it’s bad because of being accused of not “getting” it, (as I explained at the start of this review.) And others thinking they “like” the movie is more about the experience of it all, and being a part of a community of so many others who think they like it. But, in my opinion, it’s really unlikeable.

Mr. X posits that if people see the film with a large crowd, perhaps they might get caught up in it. But, he said, seeing it in a pretty empty theater, as we did, it just lay there.

I, too, had been thinking something along those lines; that at the industry screenings of it, and premieres around the world, the assemblage most likely cheered at the end of America Ferrera’s pro-women speech. And everyone was so happy to be together, and out and about, and dressed-up that their happiness at all of that transferred to their feelings on the movie itself.

But there are still several other negative reviews floating around the internet, and a few have caught my eye. One I especially admire says the movie is “a major letdown and a disservice to the beloved character and her fans. Instead of being an empowering and heartwarming film, it’s a soulless money-making scheme that lacks any creativity or passion.” Outside of the “lacking creativity” part, those are my thoughts exactly.

Someone else wrote, “Greta Gerwig needs to be banned from ever making a movie again; her storytelling is so confusing.” It’s very unpopular to say anything bad about her, so I applaud that person for being brave enough to say what others of us only think.

When I saw the colors of Barbieland, I was interested at first. But they lost me as soon as the “dolls” all started saying “Hi, Barbie,” and “Hi, Ken” to each other…for at least five minutes!!! (I’ve seen other disgruntled viewers say it was ten minutes of that nonsense.) It’s like a little kid who says one funny thing that makes his family laugh, so he keeps doing it for the next half hour, when it’s already not funny anymore.

And as much as I loved several of Margot’s costumes in the movie, (except for that dreadful pink “cowgirl” one she had to wear for most of it,) I wanted to see her iconic outfits from the classic Barbie board game!!! Not all new ones. (Even ones my mother sewed for her when I was little were better than that cowgirl one. And my mother was far from a seamstress back then.)

One of the worst things about this whole narrative is that it’s sooooooo preachy! Okay, we get it—women are great. Whoop-de-doo. I agree that we’re great and should be men’s equals. But enough already. You’re either preaching to the choir, or the others who either don’t want to hear it or don’t care. Gerwig and Baumbach made Barbie’s story about “girl power,” and not in a fun way. In a “we’re better than men” on their high horse way. That’s not what anyone thinks about when they’re playing with Barbies!!! Even in 2023. There are zillions of Barbie scenarios in the world, and I doubt that anyone but the most serious (or strange) children are thinking of that one!

The only reason to see Barbie on a big screen, (as opposed to waiting for it to be on TV,) is the colors and set decorations.

I get that we’re all excited about having a Barbie movie. But this one sucks. Truly.

The only fun associated with the movie has been the colorful campaign along the way. Seeing Margot Robbie in her beautiful outfits at premieres and screenings, (although she must be pretty sick of the color pink by now!,) has been a blast, especially when she channels the classic outfits from the game. And the trailers are amusing and pretty, so they got us all excited for what was to come, before the supreme letdown of the film itself.

All that being said, I’m glad I saw it because I had to find-out how bad it is for myself. I didn’t mind wasting the money, (outside of perhaps the massive number of concession items Mr. X insisted on getting,) but I do mind having wasted the time.

Speaking of money, Mr. X is shocked at how much the movie has made! I keep reminding him that the earnings are not based on how much people like it, but rather how many sheep people are seeing it. And that rush to see it is due to several factors, first of which is just the topic of Barbie alone! Then there’s Margo and Ryan’s rightful popularity. And the lure of the ads and trailers; the entire campaign has been genius. And then there’s the fact that it’s not streaming, as many first-run films have been for the past three years. So, going to see Barbie is a great reason to return to theatres now.

But people are telling me that they actually fell asleep for part of it, or at least spaced-out. One person said she was so anxious for it to be over that she didn’t even realize that stupid gynecologist ending!

If it’s fantasy you’re after, there are soooo many movies that have done it better. For example, the Toy Story franchise also features toys in the real world, and they command attention the entire time. Mr. X and I have even gotten a tad teary-eyed by the end of most of them. And audiences are interested in the toys’ time in the outside world, whereas in Barbie, the real world stuff is just boring. And the Will Ferrell sections are basically asinine.

But I just may rent Barbie when it’s available—I’m in desperate need of some good sleep!

Okay, just to bring it home for you, this is how much I did not like this film: Now that I’ve seen Barbie, I finally took off the pink nail polish that I’ve rocked all summer as my own little Barbie tribute! I may just paint them black now, to match the mood this useless movie put me in.