GOLDEN GLOBES 2023 WRAP-UP

I’m sorry that it’s taken me a few days to weigh-in on this year’s return of the Golden Globes, but there’s a good reason for that delay. It’s because—my birthday celebrations got in the way!

But there’s always time for snark and praise of Hollywood’s finest and lowest, so here I am now to share my thoughts.

I have to say upfront that Lisa Marie Presley‘s death just two days after she attended this show was chilling. I used to know her mother a bit, and my heart is breaking for her and the entire family. (This is the only mention I’m making of them on here.)

Now back to the Globes. First up are some of my overall impressions, followed by several observations in order of their appearances on the telecast.

I was very moved to see a taped message from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on the show. People need to be reminded of the horrors going on in the world, even in the middle of frivolity.

I must say that, in the TV categories, I hadn’t seen any of the nominated shows, (except for Abbott Elementary,) but the fuss made about them always makes me think I’m missing something. So after the 2022 Emmys, I watched both seasons of White Lotus. And…I want my time back!

And after seeing all the clips of the various TV shows on the Golden Globes, I realized why I haven’t watched most of them. It’s because I don’t want to be depressed by supposed entertainment; I want to be happy, amused, and uplifted.

By the way, on Monday, (the day before the Globes,) I wrote that I might not live-tweet the action, so I’m glad that I made the effort to do so at least a few times that night. If you missed my tweets, and would like to still read them, (because I’m not going to rehash it all here,) just go to @MajorCelebrity on Twitter. They’re still up there.

I actually couldn’t tweet, nor review here, a lot of the proceedings because nowadays, if you say anything bad about anyone, no matter how true and how many others also think it, you’re screwed. People will always accuse you of one nefarious thing or another. (For example, when I tweeted a compliment to Michelle Yeoh on her hair, one Twitter user accused me of saying something bad about black women! It took me days to figure-out that was the tweet she was referring to! And I was actually thinking of Jennifer Coolidge‘s bad and obvious wig at the time. So it’s very hard to be understood and enjoyed these days.)

I watched literally only a few minutes of the arrivals before I couldn’t take the phoniness of the crew on E, (which is the only channel that even deigned to show them,) so I’m just reviewing the actual show.

First of all, Jerrod Carmichael was the absolute worst host in the history of television! Seriously! I don’t know which was worse—his incredibly offensive “joke” about Whitney Houston’s death, (which is sooo heinous I won’t repeat it here–you’ll have to look it up elsewhere if you don’t already know about it,) or how unfunny he was in general.

He talked so slowly and said absolutely nothing.  And none of that nothingness was the least bit amusing.  Here’s a note to him: If you tell a story as a comedian, (as he did about his hiring for the gig,) you must..be…funny! Starting out the evening with, “Yo yo yo,” followed by, “Everyone settle,” multiple times was not even close to amusing! Nor was changing outfits every five minutes.

If, as Jerrod claimed, (and I don’t doubt,) the Golden Globes organization hired him to host their show because he’s black, (and they’re trying everything they can to rehabilitate their image after people realized that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association had no members of color a couple of years ago,) there are hundreds of much funnier black comedians. Where was Chris Rock when we needed him? Or Kevin Hart? Or…anybody??? Even obnoxious Tiffany Haddish would have been better. I think they wanted to look as *liberal as possible by having “black and gay” in one person. Too bad they couldn’t get “funny and appropriate” instead. *[Note: I hate the word “woke,” so “liberal” will have to do for now.]

And the first hour and a half of the show followed his lead–no one was funny in that time span. (But they all definitely thought they were.)

However, somehow, despite all of that, the Golden Globes turned-out to be a bit entertaining and relatively non-upsetting this year! So good for them.

And it was fun to see so many people look happy to be back there. And anywhere, actually. (But at least three biggies—Jamie Lee Curtis, Colin Farrell, and Brendon Gleason—have come down with Covid since then. So please stop thinking the threat is over, people!!!)

I predicted just about all of the winners, even though I’ve barely seen any TV shows or movies mentioned. It used to be all foreigners who won, (because the awards are bestowed by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association—duh!,) but this time, the criteria was black, then gay. And if you were also a foreigner, well, that’s the trifecta!!! [Note: Most of the winners are deserving, but this show has never been about that. Of course, it’s always nice to win any award, but the Golden Globes have always been more or less a joke in the industry. Does anyone remember when Pia Zadora’s husband “bought” her one? Actually, does anybody remember Pia Zadora?!]

Most people did really look good, but there were several bad, or just plain strange, nose jobs, which you know I hate. Some of the worst were on Kaley Cuoco, Jennifer Coolidge, and Ana de Armas. That last one is head-scratching—why would such a beautiful girl mess with her face, in any way??? (Maybe it was her lips that changed; she just looked strange.)

Speaking of beautiful girls, it was an excellent idea to have that pretty and talented pianist right on-site to play through the commercial breaks. I hope that the assemblage appreciated that different way of doing things this year as much as I did.

Now, let’s get to my thoughts as the show went on.

How gorgeous is Angela Bassett??? She looks better than women half her age!

I enjoy Abbott Elementary, so I was happy for Tyler James Williams to win a Globe, but I have a feeling one of the nominees on one of those shows I don’t watch deserved it more.

I loved seeing Rihanna and A$AP Rocky looking so classy and grown-up. Beautiful couple!

It took over an hour to really get rolling, but the show finally got good when Colin Farrell spoke. His speech was perfect! His words were smart, kind, loving, heartfelt, charming, and funny! And completely off-the-cuff! No stupid “phone notes” for him, as so many others used. (That meant that they looked down the whole time they were speaking, to read their speeches on their phones. And had to let us know they were getting lots of texts. Obnoxious, in my book.) I became a fan of Colin that night.

Michelle Yeoh had just about the only real hair in the room that night! I was proud to see that it looked sort-of like my own.

And her jokingly threatening to beat-up the pianist, if the music to play her off didn’t stop, was very funny. I loved that she said, “And I can do it, too.” If you’ve ever seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, you know she means it, even at sixty!

Claire Danes looked waaay older than she is. And what is up with her horrible posture??? (It has nothing to do with her being pregnant, by the way.)

How is Leticia Wright a functioning person while being that skinny?! She actually looks even skinnier than I did when I was just ninety-eight pounds, at 5’6″! (And yes—I am just a tad jealous.)

How did Austin Butler win when he’s white, straight, and American? Strange. (I have a feeling that the HFPA really voted Brendan Fraser for the win, for The Whale, but when they learned he was snubbing them, because of his claims that one of their members molested him some years ago, they quickly changed it to Austin. Just speculating here, of course. But Brendan fits that same description as Austin, so his win would have been strange for this year’s Golden Globes, as well.)

And why was he still speaking like Elvis? (And still is now!) That was perhaps even more weird than his win!

But I loved Austin’s good speech. When the *pianist tried to play him off, it was adorable of him to say to her, “You can at least play Suspicious Minds or something.” *[Note:  It was revealed later that the actual on-site piano player was not the one playing everyone off. But that seems suspicious to me—why else was she there?]

There are people who look great, and then there’s  producer Jerry Bruckheimer. (But the guy is almost an octogenarian, so I guess I should give him a break. It’s just all his strange facial surgery that’s making him look weird.)

The two actors from Top Gun: Maverick, (both of whom I’ve never seen before nor even heard of,) were good presenters. Glen Powell spoke really well, and Jay Ellis handled winner Zendaya’s absence perfectly and with class.

Ryan Murphy, who received the special Carol Burnett Award, gave a very good speech.

At this point in the show, the awful host had a big string hanging off the underarm of his jacket. Not a big deal, really, but how did the wardrobe people let him go onstage like that?

That was a great speech from Jennifer Coolidge. People really love her. I have always been a fan, although the only thing I ever saw her in before White Lotus is Legally Blonde.  On top of how funny she is, both in her roles and as a person, I love seeing an actress who’s, how shall I put it, not really physically attractive—she’s chubby, and has a funny-looking visage, with bad skin and a drooping eye—be so revered. It gives the rest of us hope.

How dare Evan Peters, who won for playing evil serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, end his speech with, “I sincerely hope some good came out of it.” What good could possibly come out of watching a serial killer torture his victims??? The show was made purely for prurient interest, and whoever green-lit the project is a disgusting human being! Does anyone think that families of victims want to re-live the horrors??? And see their loved ones’ excruciating torment portrayed on screens for the whole world to see??? I’m furious at everyone involved with making this mini-series.

I have a message for White Lotus creator Mike White: Please don’t say “me and Jennifer” (or anybody,) ever again. You’re a writer, for goodness sake! You must know that the correct grammar is to always put yourself last! That’s a lesson I wish everyone in the world would learn already. It breaks my heart that people are so illiterate these days.

I was so disappointed that Cecil B. DeMille Award honoree Eddie Murphy’s speech wasn’t funny, until he killed it with his last sentence parodying what Will Smith yelled at Chris Rock after he slapped him at the Oscars. Eddie said the third key to success is to “keep Will Smith’s wife’s name out of your f***ing mouth!” (Trust me—it was funny when he said it.) And his girlfriend is stunning!

Brad Pitt really is gorgeous. I just felt the need to mention it.

Regina Hall, whoever she is, should never be hired again for anything. She laughingly told us that winner Kevin Costner couldn’t be there because he was stuck at home in Santa Barbara due to the floods. She thought it was a riot. To make light of the deadly storm and attendant floods, in which people lost their lives, (or homes, money, and precious possessions,) was downright disgraceful. Let’s see if she thinks it’s so funny if it happens to her next time!

Sheryl Lee Ralph looks at least twenty years younger than she is!  With no visible plastic surgery.  You go, girl!  I really need to pay a visit to her dermatologist and/or facialist!

I love Quinta Brunson, and she gave two nice acceptance speeches that night, but she should not have kept pushing on her boobs. A popular dress designer, who used to do a lot of my wardrobe for my show, taught me that lesson. She told me, “Stop touching your dresses—it’s classless.” I never touched my boobs, though, so doing that is even a worse offense. Note to females everywhere: don’t feature your cleavage if it’s making you uncomfortable! That’s Dressing-Up 101!

I don’t know who Natasha Lyonne is, but she’s a mess! Why would anyone choose to look like that at an awards show?! Didn’t she know she was going to be a presenter?

One of Mr. X and my favorite moments came near the very end of the show. One of the winners for producing The Banshees of Inisherin, Graham Broadbent, was speaking at the microphone, yet…his mouth wasn’t moving! At all. Mr. X and I both expressed our thoughts about it at the same time. I asked if he was doing a ventriloquist bit, while Mr. X said, “Get yourself a puppet, pal, because you have a head start.” Then he added, “Terry Fader is going to kill himself,” because this new guy, who isn’t even really a ventriloquist, is such a natural! We watched that man’s speech over and over, and loved it!

One of my take-aways from the 2023 Golden Globes was this: So many of those successful people, like Quentin Tarantino and Steven Spielberg, (whose fingers I was shocked to notice,) are such schlubs. It doesn’t matter to their lives at all; not everyone has to be a beauty king or queen. I’m just saying.

I’m sure there’s so much more to say about the 2023 Golden Globes, but this will have to do. I just seriously hope they bring Ricky Gervais back to host again next year, to perk-up the proceedings.

Until then, we have the Grammys, SAGs, and Oscars to look forward to. So I have to go sharpen my fangs pencil right now.