DANCING WITH THE STARS–SEASON 32!

Although this season of Dancing With The Stars should really be titled Dancing With Hardly Anyone You’ve Ever Heard Of, (so definitely not “Stars,”) this three-week-old offering has been surprisingly entertaining.

I had planned on doing a preview of it, but other things kept me from writing it. However, it would have been full of snark. (So I’m sure you’re sorry you missed it.) Also, I had no time for doing all the research that would have been necessary to find-out who ninety-five percent of the contestants are!!!

So, I’m instead combining some of what I had planned to say at the beginning of the season with my impressions now that I’ve watched all three episodes. Because I’m sure that few of you know who any of the contestants are, either, I’m going to give you little snippets of what the show told us they are, and what I think of them so far.

Before I begin on them, though, the best news that this show ever gave us is that creepy host Tyra Banks is finally gone!!! She really ruined it for a few seasons. And adorable and charming Julianne Hough is now in the co-host position, with former co-host, (and a Champion himself on this series,) Alfonso Ribeiro moving up to main host.  Yes, he is a tad over the top as always, but he knows how to handle his duties. And the boy can dance! It’s actually wonderful to have two people who can really dance, especially two-time winner of the show, Julianne, to discuss the goings-on. I have a feeling that some of the professional dancers may not be happy that the Houghs, (Julianne as host and Derek as the main judge,) seem to be taking the show over, especially because some of them are the same ages as those two, but the sibs definitely spark up the proceedings.

Speaking of the judges, I’m so glad they moved Derek into the middle, in the late Len Goodman’s spot. Though the other two—Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Anne Inaba—have been there from the get-go of the series, neither of them is a ballroom dancer, so it makes sense for the only one on there with those skills and knowledge, six-time winner Derek Hough, to be the main dude. [Note: They haven’t referred to him as “Head Judge,” as they did Len, but we all know he is.] And he has the best, most constructive, most enthusiastic, and kindest things to say to the dancers.

Now, I couldn’t decide whether to discuss the supposed “stars” in order of their dance ability or of them being an actual celeb. [Note: None of them are actually “stars.”] The funny thing is that Spellcheck questioned just about every single name!

So I’m going in order of their being known to Mr. X and me. (And most likely to you, as well.) And here’s an interesting note: We know who all of the professional dancers are, of course. They’re actually the real stars of this show!!! Okay, here we go:

People Mr. X and I have heard of before now:

Jason Mraz and Daniella Karagach—Jason is by far the best non-pro on there, but I sort-of expected this excellence from him as soon as I saw the clip of him roller skating in his “introductory package” on the first episode. And the fact that he’s a musician means he must have natural rhythm. Mr. X and I hope he wins because his dancing is charming, and…he has the best partner! Daniella is a brilliant choreographer! She’s the best one since Derek Hough’s days as a pro on the show!

Charity Lawson and Artem Chigvintsev—I’m ashamed to admit it, but Charity is who Mr. X and I know the most this season, although I have a feeling that most of you do not. That’s because we started watching the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise during the pandemic, and now we can’t help ourselves, (even though Mr. X begs us to stop!) Charity was the most recent Bachelorette, (before the new Golden Bachelor, whom I have a feeling we’ll see on there next season, if not the upcoming Bachelor Joey,) and she’s adorable. And can dance!!! So we’d be okay if she emerges as the victor.

Mira Sorvino and Gleb Savchenko—At least we know who Mira is, although I have a feeling no under forty does! It’s brave of her to do this show. She doesn’t dance very well, but at least she has uber-long legs, which help her lines. I haven’t seen nor heard of her in decades, so I never noticed before that she has Barbra Streisand’s strange mouth and teeth. By the way—it was really rude of judge Carrie Anne to tell her that her acting in the dance, (which Mira’s partner had just said is her strong suit, since she’s an Academy Award winning actress,) is weak! Mira should have replied that Carrie Anne is fat, (as I once did when someone was a bi-atch to me! I have so many lessons to teach these peeps!) The show is supposed to be fun, not a place for a mean girl. There was no need for what she said.

Alyson Hannigan and Sasha Farber—Alyson just may be the most known person on there, but I have never seen any of her shows. I have actually heard of her, though, and she seems sweet, but the poor girl cannot dance. Shame.

Adrian Peterson and Britt Stewart—Even though I’m a sports nut, football is not my biggest area of expertise, so I had heard of this former NFL-er as only a child abuser! He got busted nine years ago for beating his four-year-old son so badly with a wooden “switch” that the poor kid had slash wounds all over his body!  How has DWTS allowed him on here??? Do they not have a conscience? The abuse is not speculation—he admitted it! And Adrian has committed so many more offenses—including domestic violence and defaulting on more than one bank loan—so I pray he doesn’t stick around for a long time on this show because he’s not the kind of person who should be featured on any TV show other than something along the lines of America’s Most Wanted!  (Hey—maybe DWTS can have a future season featuring all criminal contestants!)

Barry Williams and Peta Murgatroyd—I had heard of this guy because of his one real acting credit—The Brady Bunch. But I had never seen that show. I was about to feel bad for him to be the oldest one on DWTS this season, but as soon as he first opened his mouth, I found him to be obnoxious and full of himself. If he mentions one more time that he thinks he can win, I’m going to vomit. I think that senior citizen voters are keeping him on there.

People we have not heard of:

Mauricio Umansky and Emma Slater—I never heard his name, but when the show explained that he’s married to Kyle Richards, (who is on one of those “housewife” shows,) I realized that I must have met him waaay back in the day because Kyle was a big fan of my former television show, and I believe she introduced me to him once or twice. He didn’t leave an impression on me, but he seems like a nice guy on DWTS. He definitely did not deserve to be in the bottom two the first week! But it has nothing to do with dance—it has to do with that no one else knows who he is, either! (He didn’t deserve those inexplicably low scores last week, either!)

Harry Jowsey and Rylee Arnold—Mr. X and I still have no idea who this cute guy is, but he is quite adorable, charming, and darling. And totally self-effacing. So we are somewhat rooting for him. (After the third episode, where Harry had us smiling the entire time, Mr. X asked me, “Who is this guy?” I still don’t have an answer for him.) In keeping with the dancers on the show being the famous ones, although it’s her first season on here, I have heard of his professional partner! That’s because she’s the little sister of Mr. X’s favorite pro, Lindsay Arnold, who’s sitting this one out after recently having her second baby. And with So You Think You Can Dance not being on anymore, there’s no place for DWTS to find new dancers except from familial connections! And Rylee and Harry are absolutely adorbs together! We keep declaring “couple alert” as the shows go on.

Lele Pons and Brandon Armstrong—This chick seems nice enough, but is another one of the “who are they?”s. And I don’t fully trust her because she seems to be trying really hard to get Harry away from Rylee. Down, girl! Besides that no one else seems to know who she is, either, the people on the show can’t figure out what her name is! I’ve heard it pronounced at least three different ways in as many weeks. She dances okay, but she thinks she’s so much better than she is!

Ariana Madix and Pasha Pashkov—Mr. X and I have zero idea who this woman is! Apparently, she was on some reality show, just one of the many we have never seen nor even heard of. Her boyfriend on that show cheated on her, which is the quintessential way to get on DWTS when you’re a nobody. She dances well enough, so there’s that, but she’s far from being a “star.” The producers gave her the big advantage of having Pasha as her partner; Mr. X considers him to be the best male pro, (which matches his wife, the aforementioned Daniella Karagach, who is by far the best female on there.)

Xochitl Gomez and Val Chmerkovskiy—No one knows who this girl is or even how to say her name! Your guess is as good as mine about the pronunciation of her first name. That is indeed one person in show biz who should have changed it. Mr. X and I just refer to her as “the girl.” She dances well enough, and with Val as her partner, she has a good shot at the win.

Contestants who have already been eliminated, two I knew of, one I did not:

Matt Walsh and Koko Iwasaki—These two were the first to go. Mr. X and I had no idea who the man is, but when they said he had been on the show Veep, Mr. X realized he had seen Matt before. But, again, as with all the dancers, we knew Koko from her time on So You Think You Can Dance a few years ago. To our minds, on the first week they were tied for the worst, along with obnoxious Tyson Beckford, (who was eliminated two weeks later,) and poor Alyson, who should be the next to go.

Jamie Lynn Spears and Alan Bersten—Not only does Britney’s little estranged sis look awful, but she was one of the worst sports who’s ever been on the show! When she was eliminated in the second week, (which she probably should not have been,) she couldn’t even think of anything to say to her pro partner! Good for Alan to be rid of her.

Tyson Beckford and Jenna Johnson—Not only did Tyson appear to be a gigantic a**hole, but they paired him with perhaps the worst choreographer on the whole series! Yes, Val’s wife did win once, but it was a very short season, (only four weeks long!,) and they paired her with uber-popular ice skater Adam Rippon back then. But this was a twosome sure to be gone early, as they were.

I can’t wait to see what happens tonight, in Week 4. What do the rest of you think about this weird crew of contestants?