AWARDS SHOW/MUSIC: GRAMMYS 2014

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GRAMMYS 2014

 

The Grammys are always the most fun awards show of the year! So many characters show up to it, some trying too hard, some genuinely eccentric.

This was an especially good one, not due to any wackiness, but because of the uber-fabulous performances!

But, as usual, I’m not reviewing the show itself, per se, but rather the celebs who show up to it! So let’s just get to my bon mots that I wrote as the experience unfolded. (By the way, since Mr. X asked me about this recently, I’m saying it up front: these aren’t meant to be funny, necessarily; they’re just what I say to Mr. X as we watch.) And since the show is long, so is this column. So, if you’re time-constrained, just skim; I go in time order, and made more sections to make it easier for you guys to go through quickly.

 

THE ARRIVALS ON E

 

John Legend's wife.  Photo by Karen Salkin.

John Legend’s wife. Photo by Karen Salkin.

I’m happy for John Legend that he just married his ladylove, and I know that looks aren’t everything, but I never realized how bad-looking his new wife is.

I still don’t know who Kacey Musgraves is, but I do know that she said “me and my team,” so that makes her an idiot, (along with half the people I know. Did no one go to elementary school, where we all should have learned basic grammar???)

It’s weird that host Giuliana Rancic brought up that Kacey was a bad sport when she lost an earlier Country Music Award.

I obviously don’t care about Paris Hilton, (because who does,) but I did admire her white dress with long sleeves and a high neck! (I hadn’t seen the sort-of see-through back yet when I wrote that, but I did love that part, as well. But the beige material makes it look like her back is wrinkled!)

Sarah Hyland looks the best she’s looked in a long while, especially with how dreadful she looked at the last few awards shows. But why was she at the Grammys?

Judith Hill, who should have won The Voice two seasons ago, looked terrible for her, in the face. Mr. X thought it was her terrible make-up, and he just may be correct!

Why do Ozzy Osbourne‘s old bandmates speak as incoherently as he? Is it catching?

I was so uncomfortable watching Ozzy and has inane daughter Kelly yell, “I love you” over and over at each other.

Ryan Seacrest was thrilled to interview Miguel because he’s one of the few guys who is shorter than Ryan. The same with Kendrick Lamar. Seriously, watch it back, and see how those two gave Ryan a little extra pep in his step!

Barbara Bach looks great; we can see she’s older, but it doesn’t matter on her.

Ringo did not disappoint Mr. X; he said, “Peace and love” as he was exiting, which apparently is his signature statement.

Jared Leto seems so much happier in this music milieu than the acting one, Mr. X observed, with which I concur.

Ariana Grande looks like she’s ten (in a good way); I’m so jealous–she looks half her age.

Giuliana Rancic has Olive Oyl shoulders, with the tiny top bumps on them!!!

Pharrell and his super-unattractive outfit.

Pharrell and his super-unattractive outfit.

I usually love Pharrell, but that shiny old school track suit jacket with the jeans with keys hanging off, (ala a janitor,) topped by the Mounties hat, did not work, on any level! I hope, for the person who, unluckily enough, has to sit behind him, he won’t be rude enough to keep that hat on during the show. [But my hopes went by the wayside, as it turned-out.]

What a body on Amber Rose, even though her hair is not great. (Or, more correctly, lack of it!)

No one’s looking so crazy tonight! Great to see, and yet a tiny bit disappointing at the same time.

I love Alicia Keys, but why doesn’t she know what her hips look like already??? I’m sure she can afford a mirror. Or ten.

Winner for “Most Honest Person” is Wiz Kalifa. When being interviewed on the carpet, not only did he say, “Of course I want to win,” but when asked, “What is the secret to making you perform at your best,” he immediately answered, “Staying highly medicated.” How could I not love this guy?!

Even though the dresses of Giuliani Rancic and Colby Caillat were so similar, seeing them together made me a tad queasy because one was red and one was orange, and they clashed big-time.

Colby had a very interesting braid going up the back of her head!

Katy Perry‘s ’60s up-do was not only horrible, but it’s rude to whomever had to sit behind her! Her beige chiffon-y dress with musical notes on the skirt part was ew-inducing, too.

Rita Ora's hands. Photo by Karen Salkin.

Rita Ora’s hands. Photo by Karen Salkin.

You all know that I love fun nails, but Rita Ora‘s, (whoever she is to begin with, other than someone always featured in the raggy Daily Mail,) had totally gross, overdone ones with way too many unattractive rings. Horrible iridescent dress, too.

I love Keith Urban, but when is he going to stand up straight??? Especially with such a tall wife. And his shorter hair makes his face look weird.

There’s nothing pink about Pink anymore!!!

Madonna looks somewhat like a little old lady now. She’s badly in need of a tan, braces, some under-eye cream, better hair, and…no grill!!! On camera, she told her beautiful adopted son to “be quiet” and “stop complaining.” How rude of her.

I’m really happy for Macklemore and Ryan Lewis to finally have so much success. They’re not embarrassed to say how shocked that are to be there. I really love that. Their success is a perfect lesson to all creative people to hang in there, and carry on.

Kevin Hart‘s eyes, and behavior, make me surmise that he’s drunk or stoned or something.

I’m semi-happy for Robin Thicke, but his recent behavior (making out with strange girls while married, grabbing their butts when he thinks no one can see, etc.,) the fact that he smokes cigarettes, and the lyrics and video to Blurred Lines, make me hesitant. Maybe he and his wife have some sort of an agreement; that might not be odd because they’ve been together since high school! We don’t know. And it’s not really our business. (The song is, though.)

Anna Faris is in dire need of a tan and lipstick!!! Maybe she and Madonna can get a group rate on make-overs. Her hands look yellow, like ones with nicotine do.

Since Taylor Swift‘s album Red is up for Grammys, couldn’t she wear that color dress??? And lipstick and nails? And I hate her obnoxious sticking-her-bony-stomach-out stance. She seriously walks like she has a stick up her butt!

I always thought that Wiz Kalifa and Swizz Beatz were the same person! No kidding.

I was surprised that Marc Anthony gave the wrong description of what a “live” recording is.

Zendaya‘s outfit was too piece-meal, but I sort-of liked it, at least the pieces individually.

Good for Cyndi Lauper to have such a career resurrection. Separate thought–she looks bad.

Can Gavin DeGraw take off the hat already?!!!

 

THE TELECAST–HOUR ONE

 

Beyoncé's way too obvious crotch fold. Photo by Karen Salkin.

Beyoncé’s way too obvious crotch fold. Photo by Karen Salkin.

I doubt anyone will be brave enough to admit this, but there was something uncomfortable about the Beyonce and Jay-Z opening. And her crotch fold was showing in that performance outfit!

Does LL Cool J own just one jacket and hat?

And regarding his pathetic, preachy opening monologue: I love my b-day mate, (we’re both January 14, and he’s a really nice guy I hung with a couple of years ago,) but… it’s not about you, honey! It was so unclassy, and more suited for something like the Soul Train Awards.

How did that woman get Paul McCartney??? (Did you ever notice that she and Bruce Springsteen’s wife, Patty Scialfa, have that same pushed-in kind-of face?)

Pharrell and Anna Kendrick‘s bit fell flat. Way flat. [I was actually a bit concerned, at this point, (erroneously) that their failure was a portent of things to come.]

I’m so happy for Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ win(s); more grateful winners you will not find!

Mr. X and I don’t get Lorde‘s success at all. He said she’s a “theatre department singer.” And she’s so bad-looking; she always has a sour face, bad frizzy hair, bad body, horrible attire, and weirdo presentation. She’s like something out of a zombie show. She’s just creepy. And her song, Royals, isn’t good, either.

How mature and thoughtful of Hunter Hayes to do that anti-bullying, self-esteem song! I bet it really has saved several young lives! What a good kid.

Steve Coogan was a riot. I don’t know why they had him come out and introduce Katy Perry, but I’m glad they did.

It was good that Katy was on early-ish, so that no one had to sit behind her arrival ‘do!

I hate that they keep announcing that something will be “an act to remember,” etc. Don’t they know it has to live first, before we can anoint it?!

I love the group Chicago! And I think that Robin Thicke was in absolute heaven to be working with them!

What bad planning on the part of the powers-that-be at the Grammys to have a quiet Keith Urban song follow Blurred Lines and Chicago!!! The audience was all abuzz and wanted to continue the party vibe for a little while longer. They could have come back from commercial with that slow jam instead of quieting down the assemblage with it in the wrong place.

I didn’t think that that Pauley Paulette woman could get worse-looking, but I’m always so blinded by her filthy hair, that I had never noticed her pudgy body and horrible posture. Ugh.

I love that Paul McCartney was so happy to win, despite already having tons of awards, including Grammys!

They gave Taylor Swift more make-up, and lipstick with some color, so she looked much better performing than walking in.

Taylor’s performance was soooo affected, and the throwing back of the head repeatedly was downright disturbing. I seriously thought she may be having a seizure! By the way–of course I recognize her immense talent; I just don’t like her. She’s phony and full of herself.

And to whom was she giving the stink-eye at the end of her song? (And throughout it, too, actually.)

 

TELECAST–HOUR TWO

 

Pink is amazing, with all her stunt skills. I guess she’ll be a shoe-in if they ever bring back Circus of the Stars!

I have a great idea—Pink can play Peter Pan in the new live television version that’s being planned! Just remember, you read it first here.

The guy from fun., Nate Ruess, must love Napoleon Dynamite because he chooses to look like the brother.

For Pink, walking on those stilettos was even trickier than doing the work on the aerial silks!!!

The award for Best Solo Pop Performance should have gone to any of the other four nominees!!! Lorde sucks. And how is she seventeen??? She looks forty-two! I really wanted Bruno Mars to win that one because I love When I Was Your Man.

I think Ozzy Osbourne must be mentally ill.

I didn’t know Ringo was so skinny, and then I realized I’ve never seen him perform in front of the drums!

Everyone loved Ringo’s number!!! Especially Mr. X, who was skeptical at first.

But they never announced who was on-stage with him, including Peter Frampton!

It looked like Marc Anthony’s girlfriend was checking-out Jared Leto for herself, thinking, “Hmmm….he may have an Oscar soon.”

And then we have Stephen Tyler and his new teeth.

A gurning Joe Walsh, Barbara Bach, and a neck-craning stranger. Photo by Karen Salkin.

A gurning Joe Walsh, Barbara Bach, and a neck-craning stranger. Photo by Karen Salkin.

And there appears to be a seat-filler, trying to get on camera, glomming onto Ringo’s wife. Mr. X said of the stretching-her-head-over woman, “She has a neck for the lens.”

And why was Joe Walsh gurning?

Beyonce’s new hair is brutal.

Jamie Foxx is so full of himself. And possibly drunk.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are so in love. I love that!!!

They announced Daft Punk hasn’t performed in six years; that was real news to me because I’ve heard of them for only one!

I hate that Taylor Swift stands up when no one else does. She and her pal were the only ones standing for Kendrick Lamar, and they were in the front row, blocking everyone’s view! And worse yet, she was trying, very successfully, to sexy dance.

To this point, the only number I could have lived without was Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons, even though everyone else seemed to really like it. They did work really hard.

 

TELECAST—HOUR THREE (and home stretch!)

 

I find Julia Roberts so putzy. And her face has even gotten a bit witchy.

I really hate saying this, but I hated Paul McCartney’s new song! But it it was worth it to see Yoko moving so strangely.

Just to see Paul and Ringo perform together was worth watching even triple the hours!!!

Again, they had someone come out after Paul and Ringo!!! Someone needs to tell the director of this telecast where the commercial breaks should go! (I guess I’m that someone!)

They wouldn’t have announced the category Producer Non-Classical on-air if the winner wasn’t Pharrell!

How adorable of Bruno Mars to do a Latin dance step when he received his award from Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony. I love Bruno always!!!

Jeremy Renner‘s gray outfit was the most putrid ever. And I think he was at least half in the bag.

(L to R)  Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, Blake Shelton.

(L to R) Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, Blake Shelton.

Willie Nelson is a fascinating legend, and the fact that he’s so weathered adds to that. It’s amazing his voice is still so strong.

Blake Shelton was thrilled to share the stage with legends Merle Haggard, Kris Kristofferson, and Willie Nelson.

I think Stephen Tyler got new teeth, which I always applaud.

That was the best outfit Blake has ever worn. It wasn’t so great, in general; just compared to his usual attire.

I can’t believe that Kacey Musgraves beat Taylor and Blake!!! But why didn’t she change out of her funny-looking performance outfit?! [Note: she was still wearing it at the after-parties!!! I guess she wanted to make sure she was recognized form the show. And I mean that; I think that was really the case.]

Why does LL Cool J have to constantly yell? And laugh at what he says that’s not funny.

Pharrell changed to a different Mountie hat?! It is his year, though, isn’t it? Good for him! [Did you know that he has a lot of side businesses, as well, including a sneaker company and a booze one?!]

Stevie Wonder and Nile Rodgers! Wow.

Stevie’s number was the hit of the show for me. During it, I said, “Oh my god, I think I’m going to bronze this show!”

Carole King is still so fabulous!

It’s kind-of interesting that there were several people there who have their fingers in multiple pies this season. A few examples are Jared Leto (Oscar nominee for acting, and in a rock band,) Pharrell (Oscar-nominated for writing a song in a film, and Grammy last night for performing music,) Cyndi Lauper (Tony Award for writing the music to Kinky Boots, and Grammy winner from years ago,) and Juicy J (who performed last night, and won an Oscar a few years back for writing It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.)

The Metallica-Lang Lang presentation was scaring me.

That was literally painful.

Stephen Tyler’s zipper was askew.

Get Lucky is a good song, but Blurred Lines was the real record of the year. Bruno Mars’ Locked Out of Heaven was my favorite, but the winner should have been Robin Thicke. He got screwed.

Regarding Madonna, Mr. X said, “It’s not good to appear with a cane when you’re trying to look young.” Good point.

Miranda Lambert‘s and Billie Joe Armstrong‘s voices didn’t blend well at all.

Miranda got skinny. Though. Wish I could follow suit.

Pharrell knew he had the potential to be on stage a lot tonight, yet he dressed like a fool. He was the only one who looked inappropriate all night.

That was a weird, disparate group of musicians to end the upbeat show with. I kept thinking I heard bugs in my house when they played for the first minute or so. But at least Lindsey Buckingham can really play the guitar!

So, the Grammys had a big (partially) same-sex wedding ceremony on live TV, but the American Music Awards freaked-out just short four years ago when Adam lambert kissed a guy for a very brief moment!!!

Why didn’t they show us the names of the non-televised winners as they went to breaks as they usually do?

And now I’m going to try to get some much-needed sleep!

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