GOLDEN GLOBES 2012

 

I have to thank those of you who sent me Happy Birthday messages on Saturday, (the day before the Globes telecast,) by every method, (save for carrier pigeon.) They actually all really helped me get through my most difficult birthday ever.

In an incredibly busy week-end that included not only my birthday but four important post-season football games and a new and definitely improved Miss America, I just had to turn down dinner invitations to stay home and watch the Golden Globes live, solely because of host Ricky Gervais‘ return gig. He was still excellent, and provided most of the very few laughs to be had on this snoozefest, but he was better last year when his controversial lines took us all by surprise. This year, the assemblage was holding their collective breath, so it didn’t have the same impact. And he toned it a taste, to boot. The Jodie Foster stuff was priceless, though. If he hosts again next year, just when everyone thought they could relax, I hope he lets them have it full-force again.

Because of the recent sad events in my life, this is the first year in over a dozen that I haven’t even come close to seeing all the nominated films and performances in time for the show. We Screen Actors Guild voters still have two weeks to go before we have to cast our ballots for those awards, but I’m usually finished with my viewings way before the Globes. So I really can’t say with certainty who deserved to win, in most cases. I should have my choices ready to share by the SAG Awards, though.

Also, because of the wonderful Giants victory over the Packers yesterday, I missed most of the red carpet arrivals, so I don’t have that baloney to critique here. So, let’s get straight to the show, and the supposed purpose of them to begin with—to give out movie and television awards.

I thought the audience was pretty lukewarm to Ricky. It’s like they didn’t know what they were supposed to do, because if they laughed, and then he burned them later and they appeared upset, they’d look like they can’t take it when it’s bad about them.

Maybe the organizers cut back on the booze this year because the audience was unusually subdued.

I was happy to see so many of the females, (and perhaps even some of the males,) copying the trampy eye make-up that I’ve been wearing for years!

They should have shown Angelina Jolie when Johnny Depp admitted to Ricky that he hadn’t ever seen his movie with her, The Tourist, one of last season’s biggest bombs.

I’m happy that Christopher Plummer finally won award, even though I haven’t yet seen his film, The Beginners, because I so loved him in his brilliant one-man show, several years ago, of John Barrymore.

Ashton Kutcher looked about a zillion times better clean-shaven and with short hair than he did with the dirty hippie look he’s been rocking all season.

Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore proved that actors really need writers.

I noticed that several women, including Julianne Moore and Julianna Margulies, wore green earrings that didn’t support the rest of their color scheme, but the accents actually looked okay. I love that color of muted green.

Rob Lowe’s spray tan looks even more fake next to Julianne Moore’s lily white skin.

I guess TV people are seated in the back rows, even if they’re Kate Winslet.

Frida Pinto is so cute and classy; I guess that makes her different from just about everyone there.

Jeremy Irons was classy to help the older Golden Globe lady with her presentation.

Kelsey Grammar is just all-around repulsive. I actually feel bad for his wife. I can’t think of much I’d rather do less than be intimate with him. On any level. Ugh.

They played-off the guy who won for music!!! And I don’t think they even used his own composition for the insult. That would have been cool of them, at least.

They finally had to play-off Madonna, though you could tell they did so reluctantly.

And whose fake English accent is more phony—that of Madonna or Johnny Depp? It’s a toss-up.

Mr. X was wondering if these shows have kid seat fillers, in case a celeb has to take their offspring to the rest room during the show, and they want to trick the audience into thinking they’re still in their seats.

I love Angie and Brad!!! They look at each other with such love and respect.

I also loved the color-changing set.

Angelina looked the most stunning with that matching red lipstick, but I have three words of fashion advice for her—sleeves, honey, sleeves.

Katherine McPhee didn’t get the memo to wear tramp make up. She looked like she was just in rehearsal next to heavily made-up Debra Messing.

Winner Idris Elba gave a good, well-structured speech.

Classy of Seth Rogen to mention an erection, caused by the gorgeousness of truly classy Kate Beckinsale.

Michelle Williams won for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical; but she was in neither a comedy nor a musical! My Week With Marilyn was a total drama!

But she’s so much better looming than she was on Dawson’s Creek!!! She was awful on that show, and looked horrible, as well. Boy, has she come far in her career! Like Sally Field back in the day.

And, I have to give Michelle credit for always bring her BFF, Busy Phillips, everywhere she goes. I’d love to have a friend like that!

Peter Dinklage, of whom I’m a fan, gave a creepy speech, except for the end. He mentioned “Martin Henderson in England,” and suggested Googling him, which I did, and it turns out he’s a dwarf who got paralyzed in a “dwarf-throwing: contest.” The thought of something like this going on in this day and age turned my stomach. But props to Peter for mentioning it to bring attention to this cruelty.

Spielberg mispronounced “Paramount “ as “Paramont!” And Scorsese made the same mistake later. Shame on them both!!! Are these guys too busy and important to learn the correct pronunciation of a studio that they’ve both worked at?

And how badly did Spielberg’s tux fit???

Nicole Kidman looked fantastic!!! Her body looks like a giant Barbie doll.

The exact opposite of Brangelina, the couple of manly Felicity Huffman and repulsive William H. Macy just really makes me queasy. Truly.

Could Madonna be any phonier???

They were smart to pair Jane Lynch with Tina Fey because their looks match. I’m not judging them, at least not here; I’m just saying they matched.

Reese Witherspoon‘s red dress was the outfit of the evening.

Poor Jessica Lange just got so old. And why would she wear a backless dress??? And what happened to her teeth?

Actually, just about everyone looked old, even Matt LeBlanc, who’s only forty-four, but has mostly gray hair. Maybe that’s why I’m fighting getting a Hi-Def TV!

Sidney Poitier‘s appearance was quite the surprise.

Helen Mirren‘s speech (in tribute to Morgan Freeman,) was one of the most uncomfortable of all time! But she followed Sidney, who was worse. Morgans was brutal, as well.

How rude of Morgan to declare, “Although they call it the Cecil B. DeMille award, in my house, it’s also known as the Sidney Poitier award.” Classy. At least he didn’t thank his step-granddaughter for being his girlfriend!!! Come to think of it, Ricky Gervais should have mentioned that!

And it was lovely that Sir Ben Kingsley‘s date was sitting on his lap, playing with his tie, while Morgan was accepting his special award.

The only good bit of the night to this point, outside of Ricky’s bon mots, was the Modern Family acceptance speech.

Jessica Biel‘s dress was horrible!

I wish a foreign winner, such as Jean Dujardin of The Artist, had said, “Thank you Hollywood Press,” instead of Hollywood Foreign Press. Get it?

Speaking of Jean Dujardin, I love that guy!! His was the only charming speech. I can’t believe how different he looks in person. I mean it!

Colin Firth looked great, especially his body! I’ve never even noticed his looks before.

Tilda Swinton could make money down at the Third Street Promenade charging for pictures with her. Not as herself, but as a weirdo in this town.

The only speech that matched the Modern Family one, and the French people’s, was Meryl Streep‘s! I haven’t even seen The Iron Lady, but when her category came up last night, I told Mr. X that I hoped she wins because she always gives great speeches, and I was bored to tears by that point. And, she did not disappoint.

Meryl appears to just love winning! And always deserves to. And we love her acceptance speeches. But she desperately needed lipstick. And how dowdy was her outfit? And why didn’t the guy in front, who wound-up with her glasses, give them to her??? And why would she need them for her speech, anyway, when she didn’t have a paper? Do they put nominees’ speeches on the teleprompter???

And then, here comes Jane Fonda, being so much older than Meryl, but looking so much better. Better than almost everyone, actually, and definitely anyone her age. Ever!!!

Mr X noted that George Clooney‘s super-unclassy male genitalia joke was worse than anything Ricky Gervais said all night!

So that’s it for the Golden Globes. I have to go write-up all the suites for you to read about for the rest of this week. Because the only thing more fun than ragging on the Hollywood phonies is cluing you guys in on the fabulous new products they’re receiving!