THE VOICE, SEASON 2—PENULTIMATE* WEEK UPDATES

 

Years ago, when I was one of the celebrities at the statewide Special Olympics that were held at UCLA, we used to hear a haunting voice as we strolled around the campus.

It belonged to a guy, (whose name, which was something Doric Permigen, I remembered for years, but sadly, now don’t,) who would have never made it onto The Voice. Why, you ask? Because he was in a wheelchair and somewhat deformed. And because the show The Voice is about anything but. The “voice” that is.

I’ve rarely ever seen a more inapt name for a television series. Yes, the judges/coaches don’t see the contestants initially, but that’s it! They’ve already chosen their contestants at that point, but then, as the weeks go on, they have several more tries to get rid of the ones they don’t like, either physically or personally. (The coaches already like their voices, n’est pas?) They spend time with them; they have them over to their houses, they “coach” them. And they choose awful songs for the ones they don’t like. The whole show is a sham.

How else can you explain Christina Aguilera’s elimination of the most deserving contestant this season, Jesse Campbell? I’m trying not to get so emotionally involved with these stupid competition shows anymore, since I have so many of my own problems recently. But, as the few weeks since this show biz travesty (losing Jesse) have passed, I’m getting increasingly upset about it. Xtina gave no real reason, (whether it was really her choice or the producers,) and I’m thoroughly convinced that there is no satisfactory explanation to be had. She just liked the other people on her supposed “team” (more on that concept later,) more than she did Jesse. No matter what the truth of that situation is, I still don’t understand why she would throw away her best chance at being the victorious coach. I just don’t get it. [Note: I initially thought, (especially because in the Battle Round, Jesse was pitted against a similar looking guy, who also sang great,) it was because the powers-that-be over there didn’t want a bald black male to win both years, but they kept Jermaine there, so now I don’t know.]

And neither do the bulk of the show’s watchers, if you check around the internet.

And now we’re left with four very weak choices for next week’s final—Tony Lucca, Jermaine Paul, Juliet Sims, and Chris Mann; not one of them worthy of my dialing time. Are these the best four undiscovered “voices” in this country? I think not. Go to any karaoke night and you’ll hear better. It’s a shonda!!! [Note: In case you’ve missed some recent columns, that’s my new favorite word.]

Coach Adam Levine as much as admitted on Tuesday night’s results show that he chose former Mouseketeer Tony Lucca over the better singer Katrina Parker simply because they had bonded as guys. What does that have to do with a voice? I have lots of pals I like better than others, but that doesn’t mean they’re more talented! This show is supposed to be about vocal talent. Last year, there was not much to write home about, (speaking of “home,” I always made my mother tapes of all these supposed talent shows, but never this one, which should tell you something,) but at least Javier Colon, who we knew deserved the win the very first time he uttered a note, won, which is how it should be. No one else’s voice was special at all, nor were the other contestants themselves, as evidenced by the fact that we never heard a word about the other three finalists until they trotted them out on Tuesday night’s show.

The initial “hit”by the coaches is because of the voice; after that, it’s about everything else all the other shows are–looks, stage presence, movement ability, instruments, and more than all the other shows combined, personal relationships with the contestants.  You think Ceelo would have kept that young, chubby chick Cheesa if he hadn’t met her???  Puh-leeze.  As Johnny Carson once said to me on his show, give me a break!

Now to my quick musings that came to me as I watched the two shows this week play-out:

What is on Christina’s head???

The show is so full of beans, about just about everything. But their make believe use of “teams” makes me really crazy. There are no “teams!!!” There are just groups of people going against each other, which is the opposite of team! I love when the coaches let a “team” member go, and they tell them to remember it’s all about making the team stronger. There is no win for the eliminated contestant! They don’t share in any victory, and for sure not the financial prize!

The producers need to tell the idiots in the audience to stop calling out, “I love you,” when the judges are speaking. It’s just creepy and disruptive. And so insincere.

The judges talk entirely too much.

And they all know they have to eliminate someone, so cut the crap already! Stop saying how hard it is!

No one has to quite be Simon Cowell, but they need to stop pussyfooting around these awful performances! They leave out the real criticism by complimenting other things about the singers, like wardrobe or song choice. Mr. X said, “It’s dishonest.”

The four judges usually have nothing even remotely intelligent to say. Last week, Christina told someone on her team, “You’ve crossed a whole new chapter within yourself.” What the heck does that even mean??????????? These people just want to hear themselves talk. Even though my opinion of Blake Shelton has gone way down this year, at least he’s funny on occasion!

All that being said, even though she’s annoying in every possible way, that Christina sure can sang!!! [And yes—I meant “sang.”]

I was rooting for Jamar Rogers all the way, having been a fan since the American Idol judges screwed him on Adam Lambert’s season of that show, but Cee Lo saw to the fact that I now have no one to root for by getting rid of him this week. For that screeching girl, Juliet!

The biggest transformation on any show ever is Katrina. She went from looking like Drew Carey’s sidekick on his old show, to Adele. But enough with the tight dresses that feature her big stomach. Who are these dreadful wardrobe people???

I hate when they say stuff like, “I can’t believe you were in a cubicle a few months ago;” if she doesn’t win, shell be going back there, pronto!!!

Why is Christina always talking against her former co-star on the Mickey Mouse Club, Tony Lucca??? It’s just rude, and makes no sense. Maybe he rejected her when they were kids; that’s all I can come up with.

After Katrina sang Killing Me Softly, Adam Levine said, “But we have to remember Lauren Hill was there first!” No she wasn’t–it was Roberta Flack!!!

I was desperate for Christina to tell Blake that he was “pitchey” when he performed his new song.

They all act like it’s The Hunger Games, like the competitors have to go into battle for their real lives, not their lives on this stupid show.

Blake Shelton told his remaining “team” members, “You’re two of the best vocalists on the planet.” While my mouth was still open from that stupidity, Mr. X said, “What planet are you on??? They’re not even the best vocalists on Planet Hollywood!!!” (He should really have his own E-zine, shouldn’t he???)

Did the show hire a milliner this season? What’s up with all these stupid head shmatahs!

With Jamar out, I was going to vote for Chris Mann, the mediocre opera singer, but since he’s on Team Christina, that won’t be happening anymore. So, I should now choose Tony Lucca to spite her, but he doesn’t deserve the win, either. Nor do the other two! As stated before, I’m not a fan of Juliet, and Jermaine is just not that good! He should stay a background singer because I really don’t see him as a star. No offense to him.

[Note: I just noticed this—Javier, Jesse, Jamar, and Jermaine. What’s up with all these similar singers, including that three of them are bald, having names that begin with “J?”]

So, for the first time in the history of these shows, I won’t be participating in the final outcome. I’m sure it will somehow be manipulated anyway, and I don’t even really care. I’ll be upset, no matter what happens. This is the worst choice of finalists since the Lee Dewyze-Crystal Bowersox year of AI. At least I liked Crystal, which is far from the case with this year’s The Voice.

*I have a feeling that most people don’t really know what “penultimate” means, so you think I’m wrong. But I’m not because it means the next-to-last of anything.

[Note: I have a lot more pictures for this column, but there’s a technical problem with them right now.  If you want to see visual evidence of which I speak, please check back later.  Thanks.]