AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 9

This bland season is all Adam Lambert’s fault. He ruined the show for all future contestants because there’s no one in the world who can even come close to his talent, style, and charisma. Which makes this group of 24 seem even more like lummoxes.

There are a handful of contestants I do enjoy, but it’s not really worth it to sit through the brutal performances of most. And we’re to believe that these are the two dozen best unknown singers in America? Just whom are they kidding!

And they’re not even good-looking or funny or anything else that people are attracted to in picking friends, let alone an “American Idol!” It seems that they were all chosen for their sad sack stories. This is more like the ’50s TV show Queen For A Day, rather than a singing competition.

I’ll tell you whom I like in a minute, but first my “review” of the judges. I feel like I’m in the Bizarro universe when Randy is making the most sense on the panel. How did that happen? I usually agree with Simon, but he does appear to be a tad harsher this year, unnecessarily so. Did he not choose these people? He seems to be scolding them for being on the show, when he’s one fourth of the quartet that put these kids in this position! Most of them have no talent to begin with. I hear better singers in clubs, when drunk patrons sing along to the songs the DJ is spinning.

And Kara. Just shaking my head over her. If she uses the word “artist” one more time, I just may break the television set. Her phony way of speaking, with that almost-lisp that girls from NY seem to think is sexy, adds to her annoyance factor. And she has nothing to say! Her new affectation of physically cozying up to Simon, in the wake of Paula not being there to continue her tradition of trying to take the focus away from the actual contestants, makes me actually a little queasy. And she never has anything to say. At least she has good hair and make-up.

Ellen being on the panel is just the biggest waste of time ever. She knows nothing about the music industry, and was put in that seat because she was funny as a guest judge on So You Think You Can Dance two seasons ago. But she’s rarely funny on Idol and just tells everyone that she likes them or that they’re adorable! Even the dumbest, least knowledgeable person in this country can do that! My little mother says everyone is adorable, and she’s way funnier than Ellen, so maybe Maybelle should be Simon’s replacement next year. And, trust me, she’d let them all know just how bad their teeth are, too, which would be an added bonus in hiring her.

Speaking of teeth, could they have chosen a worse-looking bunch of contestants? Thank God they at least whitened Crystal Bowersox’s teeth, but couldn’t they have put in temporaries for the two she’s missing? She’s my favorite girl this season, but I have to call it like I see it. And did you notice that they try to shoot Haeley Vaughn with the mike directly in front of her awful choppers?

A couple of them have said that they had to live in their cars to support their singing. And then we see their grinning parents in the audience, so why couldn’t they have just lived at home? Nothing makes sense this season.

Okay, so the two girls I like are Crystal, and Lilly Scott. Paige sings pretty well, but her eyes make her look like a Child of the Damned. Are those crazy contacts?

I like several of the boys, mainly Andrew Garcia and Todrick Hall. Why are they so mean to Todrick??? They tell the contestants to “make the song your own,” and then bag on them when they do! This isn’t a music arranging competition–it’s singing and performing. And so far, he’s the best at both! And great-looking and stylish to boot! And he’s had the good sense to already get fake teeth, so good for him! (In looks and style, he’s like the black Adam.) I like Casey, too, but maybe just cause he’s cute.

I like Big Mike, too, but want to stick a pin in him because I feel like I can’t breath when he’s on. He just looks too crushing. Little Alex has a great voice, but lacks everything else. He could wind-up being the sleeper like Kris Allen, though he sings a million times better than boring Kris.

I have to strain to remember the rest, actually. Oh yeah, that guy Lee the judges keep falling over. He has a nice voice, when he actually hits the right notes, which is less than fifty percent of the time. Mr. X and I sit here cringing. The judges laud him like he’s the second coming! It can’t sound that much different in the studio than at home. And I really want that awful, full-of-himself, rude Jermaine to be banished from this city, not just the show.

So to review, I hate all the judges this year except Randy (a sentence I never expected to write in my life–he must be bucking to be in charge when Simon leaves next year, rather than the afterthought he’s always been,) and I like Andrew, Crystal, Todrick, and Lilly. And they need to get a cosmetic dentist on staff, stat.