I was shocked to discover that this most-nominated film of the year is also the absolute worst film of the year! What a supreme waste of time! I want my two hours and nineteen minutes back, (which felt like twelve hours!)

Three of the four nomianted actors in the film.

Three of the four nomianted actors in the film.

Everything Everywhere All At Once is like a bad acid trip. Actually, forget LSD—these writers must have been on crack! If I didn’t understand it even with my 147IQ, I don’t know how anybody else did. (But most people will make believe they did.) The Emperor’s New Clothes has got nothing on this twaddle!

The actors deserve medals for this, not Oscars. They’ll probably win all or most of the awards, anyhow, because that’s what everyone thinks is supposed to happen, especially since there’s a dearth of black nominees this year. (So now people want Asians to win, so that this year’s Oscars aren’t labeled “so white” again. I always just want the best work to win; I never vote by race, religion, nationality, sexuality, nor even of whom I’m a fan, as you’ll find-out in the next paragraph.) [Note: But Danielle Deadwyler, the star of Till, may beat Michelle Yeoh out for a SAG because people are pissed she wasn’t nominated for an Oscar for her work.]

Jamie Lee Curtis, the other nominated actor.

Jamie Lee Curtis, the other nominated actor.

Speaking of the actors in Everything Everywhere All At Once, a quartet of them are nominated for various awards, including Jamie Lee Curtis, which is absolutely ridiculous! I like her personally, (I’ll tell you why in a second,) but sticking your stomach out and acting deadpan-ly sour does not make you deserve an Oscar nomination! If it did, I’d win one every day!!! (In case you don’t know, the other three nominees from the film are Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan, and Stephanie Hsu.)

Okay, digression to share my story of why I’m a personal fan of Jamie Lee’s: Many years ago, she and a friend of hers walked by me at an event, and I heard her tell her pal friend that something was “the best show in the history of television.” Just as I was wondering which one she was talking about, Jamie stopped, turned around, and came right over to me, introduced herself, and said, “Yours is the best show in the history of television!” That’s right—she had been talking about my show!!! I almost fell over! And then a couple of years later, she and Mr. X did a movie together, and when he told her that he’s “Mr. X,” she screamed, and told him to tell me that she “insists” on guesting on my show! I rarely had guests on, so I forgot to follow-up with her, but just because she was so nice to share her very positive thoughts about Karen’s Restaurant Revue with us, I became a mutual fan. (Although, at the time, all I could stupidly think to blurt-out back to her was, “I love your father!”)

Now back to Everything Everywhere All At Once. Mr. X tried hard to like it for about forty minutes, (he kept saying, Give it a chance,” even though I gave it a thousand chances,) but after about another forty minutes, he sarcastically said, “Bring the kids!” (Meaning: don’t. Obvi.) He recommends that people watch the first ten minutes, and then go do something else for the next two+ hours, because, as he said, you don’t learn anything from that point on.

And–I mean this seriously–people with any kind of seizure disorder really need to stay away from this movie. All the quick cuts are brutal!

The family.

The family.

By the way–how is this a comedy??? The Golden Globes, in an effort to ingratiate themselves to as many show biz peeps as possible, always divide their major movie nominations into “Drama” and “Musical or Comedy,” which is just nuts because there are never enough films to warrant being in that latter category! So that organization digs deep to find some. And this year, they came up with Everything Everywhere All At Once. Mr. X and I saw the Golden Globes before we watched the film, so when we finally did, we kept waiting for something funny to happen. And guess what? It never did. It was all just very depressing and confusing, from start to finish. I can’t even describe to you what it’s about! (Except about two hours too long!)

Okay, here’s my list of just a few entertainments that are better than Everything Everywhere All At Once:

~ The superhero comic book Jimmy Kimmel wrote at ten-years-old.

~ Any high school Sing, (and not even the senior one—the freshman one!)

~ Every nightmare I’ve ever had!

~ The worst Saturday Night Live.

~ The worst ever musical, (which is the recent version of Oklahoma!)

~ The fake show that the “high school kids” do on SNL, which horrifies their parents.

~ Debbie Does Dallas, (which is Mr. X’s contribution.)

To sum-up Everything Everywhere All At Once, at one point in the movie, Michelle Yeoh’s character comments, “There’s always something to love.” To which I add, “But not about this movie!”


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