DINING: CAFÉ GRATITUDE

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CAFÉ GRATITUDE

This vegan café had been in the news recently, (because some celebs had visited there,) so I put it in the back of my mind to visit one day. Many people have suggested that, in light of my recent health issues, I overhaul my diet, so even though I’m a big carnivore, I figured other ways of eating bore some investigation.

So when a fun female friend offered to take me to a between-holidays dinner, and left the choice up to me, I decided to return the favor and choose Café Gratitude to make her vegan self happy. [Note: I hate repeating words in a column, but get used to seeing “vegan” quite a lot in this one because there is no alternative. And sadly for me, my Dragon voice dictation system does not recognize the word, so I have to type it in with my painful hands each time. Another reason to not be a fan of that lifestyle!)

losangelesI know that vegans love this place, but they don’t have a lot of choices in the eatery department. So, as a non-vegan, I’m here to break it all down for you. And understand that I’m not making fun of it; I’m just giving it to you from a non-vegan’s perspective.

I’ve often noticed that vegans have bad breath, (not the friend I was with, I swear,) and the second I bit into the first dish at Gratitude, I realized where they get it from. My exact sentence to my friend was, “This tastes like bad breath!”

When we got back, Mr. X asked what we had eaten because he said that when he approached the car and we rolled down the window for my friend to say hi to him, he was overwhelmed by the odor coming from us. When she drove away, he asked me right away, “What did you girls eat?!” So, obviously not a date place. (Except that Beyonce and Jay-Z had recently eaten there, so maybe they’ve been together so long that they don’t have to make-out every night. It happens to even the beautiful people like them.)

But, let my linear-thinking mind go in order.

The place itself is not attractive or particularly comfortable. When the girl took our order, she asked if we wanted to hear the “question of the day.” I love games, so I figured that this must be one of those new-fangled restaurants where you can play games while you eat. I was instantly stoked and uttered an emphatic, “Yes!”

She said, “What do you care about?” I asked her what that meant, and she answered, “That’s the question of the day!” I really had no idea what she was talking about, and my mind just kind of shut-off; there was no way I felt like answering an essay question. I was just trying to have some possibly healthful food. At the end of the meal, I asked her what the purpose of that question was; was there a prize, do we get a free meal, did confetti come raining down upon us if we got the right answer? Her response was that it was just something to discuss at the table! How idiotic! If dining companions have nothing to talk about to begin with, I don’t think that a deep discussion of things they care about is the way to go. Well, at least if they need some ice broken, they can just discuss how stupid having a “question of the day” is! Oysh.

Our totally unappetizing entrees.  Could you vomit?  Photo by Karen Salkin.

Our totally unappetizing entrees. Could you vomit? Photo by Karen Salkin.

We ordered three dishes, which, like everything on the menu, had weird names, but they were good enough, even though I never want to have any of them again. The presentation of the fake taco-like one was okay, but the two main dishes just came in bowls like from a prison mess hall. I used to eat school hot lunches all the time, and I never saw anything that looked as bad as these two. The way they are listed on the menu is kind of the way they look. Example: “
Mexican bowl with black beans, guacamole, seasonal pico de gallo, pickled winter vegetables, cashew nacho cheese and toasted pepitas. Served with your choice of local brown rice or quinoa on a bed of chopped romaine” would be all those ingredients mushed into one little bowl. I seriously can’t tell you how un-appetizing it all looked. [Note: none of the four dishes we ordered are on their on-line menu, so I can’t rag on the exact dishes because the ingredients were too many for even me to remember.]

They all have stupid names, too. Our “brownie” dessert was titled “Surrenduring,” and yes, it was misspelled like that. Perhaps vegans don’t have enough protein in their brains to be able to spell correctly. Or know what good food tastes like! Or maybe they just know that most of us would surrender all our secrets rather than having to eat another bite of it ever again!

That dessert was the pièce de résistance. Of awfulness! The couple next to us each had one, and when I asked about it, they couldn’t stop exclaiming about how delicious it was. My friend said we could order it, but she advised that I wouldn’t like it. I said what’s not to like? It’s a brownie with ice cream and whipped cream, a combo that could never be bad. Or so I erroneously thought.

Please click on this photo to make it big enough to read the disgusting ingredients!

Please click on this photo to make it big enough to read the disgusting ingredients!

I almost threw-up as soon as I tasted the supposed brownie. It was seriously disgusting. And the other two mystery substances were just a step behind. I asked our waitress what the dessert was, but she just kept insisting that it was a brownie. After I insisted back for a third or fourth time that it was absolutely not a brownie, and that I really needed to know what it was, she brought me a ringed folder entitled Book of Knowledge, whose laminated pages contained the ingredients for all the dishes. So I guess I’m not the only one who was curious to find-out just what weirdo ingredients I was consuming!

You’ve just got to read this for yourselves. The ingredient list for this dessert is in the picture right above. Even my fervent imagination could never come up with anything like this! How about if I give one of them a steak, but call it fava beans!!! I don’t think they’d like that much, do you? You can’t call a dish something it’s absolutely not! It’s not ice cream, or whipped cream, if it has nothing to do with…cream!!!

So that’s about all I have to say on the subject. I’m sure Café Gratitude will remain popular with vegans and wanna-be hipsters no matter what I think of it. But if you are normal, and can’t delude yourself into thinking that eating ingredients akin to tree bark are delicious, I would stay away. Unless, as many viewers of my show used to do, you want to go there to have the same weird experience that I did. But don’t plan on making-out any time afterwards. And don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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