MISS AMERICA 2015 (even though it was held in 2014, which always confused me as a kid, and still does!)

 

The Miss America contest took place on Sunday night, and I apologize for not live-tweeting it, (@MajorCelebrity) as I found-out many of you expected. I would have done so, but Mr. X had to go to a late night krump sesh. (Actually, aren’t they all late night?) And since way back in the day, when he and I were just friends, we’ve always watched Miss America together. He’s the most fun person to make fun of them with!!!

(Once, when we allowed my old pal, Sherri, to watch it with us, she was appalled that we spent the whole show ragging on the girls. Is there really any other way to watch it?)

[Note: I just re-read the above, and I realized that I should point-out that we also laud some of them, too. Not many, but a few. Better than none, right?]

In a second, I’ll give you my thoughts in order that they happened while watching the show the day after it aired live, but first, I must say how upset we are that goony Miss New York won! Her talent was sitting on the floor, singing Pharrell’s Happy, while tapping on a cheap red plastic cup! Are you kidding me?! That’s worse than packing a suitcase!!! (At least the latter can help many of us packing-challenged peeps, so it’s a worthwhile endeavor, if not exactly a “talent.”)

And her head is twice the size of her body! And the face on that head is not good, either. Perhaps worst is that her gown had—get ready for it—shoulder pads!!! In 2014! And pointy ones at that. O-M-G!

I could not be more disappointed in the results. It should have been Miss Ohio, the singing ventriloquist, all the way. I swear, I ‘m not joking. She was robbed. (She did make it to the Top Ten, at least.)

Anyway, here are the thoughts I wrote down, in order from the top:

They all look pregnant in the outside shots.

What a stupid way to do the intros! I’m sure it’s to show what failing Atlantic City has to offer, to attract more tourists again.

The lighting outside, on all the locations, was awful for them!

And I never saw so many young girls who can’t dance!!! Or have even a modicum of rhythm.

Some chose to skip on stage, which is a lost art. Interesting, happy choice.

My favorite Miss America of all time is Vonda Kay Van Dyke, so, of course, I’m rooting for the ventriloquist.

I can’t believe that pageant judge, (and TV producer,) Mark Cherry, knows even more pageant trivia than I do! And I thought I was the shallowest person on earth! I always run the category on game shows. Big props to him!

Three of the eight judges were contestants on Dancing With The Stars! Odd.

This Lara woman, who’s the co-host, should not stand next to young, cute girls. Ever.

The producers are so desperate to make the show hip and young. It’s embarrassing.

This old, former Miss New Jersey, Dena Blizzard, who’s interviewing people in the audience, is so creepy, thinking she’s so funny, which she is far from.

And, in her attempt to make herself look amusing, she totally dissed classy former title winner, Lee Meriwether! She’s rude, and made New Jersey look even worse than late-night jokes make it out to be! (She gave Lee a doll of her playing the first Catwoman, which Lee graciously received, and then told her to sign it so she can auction it off on eBay for her children’s college! I don’t know what the bit was really about, but it was downright embarrassing, for all concerned.)

Speaking of creepy, the shows recent-years way of cutting down the number of contestants is horrible! (More on it later.)

Dontcha just love how they all pretend to be so happy for each other? Some might be genuine, but at least 99% of those reactions are phony.

Did anyone else notice that Nebraska shot the world the beaver, right as the host was announcing the gown competition??? OMG! Right behind the guy’s head! Mr. X thinks she was wearing pink panties, but to me, it looked like she was going commando. He would know much better than I would exactly what we were looking at, but I’ll let y’all be the judge, with the photo to the left. I can’t believe that a Miss America contestant would sit like that to begin with! Ever, not just on live nationwide TV!!! Maybe she thought it was the hospital gown competition, not the evening gown, and was just doing her part to support it.

Ohio’s gown was horrible! I think this is where she lost it. Mr. X said, “She looks like a waitress in a formal bar.” It looked like she altered it from one of her grandma’s gowns!!!

Tennessee looked happiest in her gown, that featured thirteen pounds of rhinestones. It was like she was saying “take that” to the other girls!

Weird that, after tons of colorful gowns last year, (the winner came down to a purple one versus a yellow one,) this time they were all white or cream. There was only one black gown, one gold-ish one, and one green one.

It’s a little strange to have a “Mom’s Organization” sponsor a “Miss” something!

Here’s what I mean about cutting them down all wrong. For example, they did the talent portion so meanly. They made all twelve of them get ready, and then sit there, on stage, while they called-up one at a time to do her talent. And then, at the very end of that section of the show, they left two out, who were all dressed-up and ready to perform! So, not only do they have to sit there, in front of everyone, being nervous about doing their talents, but they also have to be nervous about if they were going to be cut at the last second!!! That also screwed the girls who did get to preform, because they couldn’t be backstage, warming-up, which is really what all performers need to do! Barbaric of the producers to do it this way.

It’s so rude how they did all of the eliminations!!! It’s the Survivor mentality, which makes everyone think that rudeness and cruelty are the ways to go nowadays. Disgusting. And terrible lessons to the next generation.

Hey Arkansas—not a great idea to sing a song about Christ!!! How did they allow that in this day and age?!

Idiot host Chris Harrison said the talent “is no joke this year!” So, is he saying that it usually sucks?

Ohio should have won, hands down! She got screwed out of the top five. She really received the most talent applause, for her ventriloquist act! I loved it. She should have made Top Five because of it, despite having the worst gown.

About the “final questions”: I liked the old shallow ones better than this new crop of “profound” ones. This year, they were all about beheadings, police shooting deaths, wife battering, war, and rapes. They need to bring back the questions like, “If your roommate flirted with your boyfriend, would you tear-up her clothes, or spread lies about her?” That would be a hard choice, so it’s sort-of profound, don’t you think?

All five who got to answer that question gave shockingly intelligent answers, but there’s not one girl among them whom I want to win this! That’s never happened to me before. I always have a horse in the race.

So, the last five choices came down to Miss Pointy-Nose Dentist from Massachusetts, Miss Goony Face from New York, Miss Susan Anton from Virginia, Miss Religious Song Singer from Arkansas, and the one we needed to win, at this point—Miss Best Body from Florida. So, of course she didn’t!

New York, the woman who won, shouldn’t have even made the Top Sixteen! She has bad hair, a tiny body with a big head, and she ripped-off her “talent” from the movie Pitch Perfect.

Mr. X said, “I’m stunned.” And I, an avid Miss America fan since I was born, was totally disgusted.

This was the worst result ever. Very unsatisfying.

They need me to produce the show next year. I’ll whip it into shape for them!!! No more goony hosts, no more bad opening intros, and no more mention of beheadings and rape! And everyone gets to do her talent, especially the awful ones! But I will keep the crotch flash, so the audience will still have a reason to tune in.