GRAMMYS 2013

 

After the horrible dramas attendant with this annual music biz awards show, (Whitney Houston dying the day before the show last year, and who can forget Chris Brown pulverizing Rihanna‘s face on that same night four years ago,) I think we were all happy that this year’s Grammys went off without a hitch. Unless you count being boring beyond belief, that is! As Mr. X put it after, “What we got was a flat balloon.”

This year’s Grammys show was the weakest, most lackluster, boring, uneventful, unglamorous one I’ve ever seen!

The only surprise of the evening came at the very end, when we found-out was that Mumford and Sons are British! I thought they were Appalachian, (or something like that.) And that’s not even a slam; I really thought they were by their type of music.

Near the end, Justin Timberlake, (the only good part of the show, but more on that later,) declared this to have been the “Best Grammys ever!” Mr. X said, “No—it was the lamest.” And that’s putting it mildly, in my opinion.

I think there was a slight contributing factor to our negative opinion of the telecast; the night before, we had watched a show on CBS (the Grammys telecast network,) about how they put together last year’s Grammys. It reminded us of just how great that one was, with the quickly-put-together tributes to Whitney, the last minute addition of Bruce Springsteen to Paul McCartney’s guitar jam sextet, and things like that. So, with our appetites whetted, we were all set for another great awards show, only this time without the pain of losing a music great just twenty-four hours before. And as we all should know by now, expectations play such a big part in our enjoyment of something, either way.

But I think this one would have been a bummer, no matter what. Towards the end, just as I was about to write this very same sentence, Mr. X, whom I forced to watch the arrivals shows with me, said, “This may be the first time the red carpet was better than the show!” Great minds think alike. Too bad we didn’t have any working on the Grammys this year.

So, even my musings on the whole shebang may be a tad lacking. But, let’s get right to them, in the order of the evening, of course:

ARRIVALS ON E!

Carly Rae Jepsen needs a tan desperately. And, as you know, I’m all for natural, long, straight, fringed hair, (because that’s how I wear mine,) but hers was just too blah for an awards show. It was dress rehearsal hair. Her bad teeth and eye make-up didn’t help, either. But she seems like a nice girl, so I do feel a tad bad saying all that.

It was seriously the best Ryan Seacrest every looked! (After I wrote this, I noticed several guests telling him versions of the same thing.)

I love that a big male bodyguard gently told Janelle Monae that she had lipstick on her teeth! Good for that dude! That’s my kind of guy.

From the front, Sean Paul‘s hair looks like black AstroTurf. And from the side, it reminded me of that funny dancing kid on the Charlie Brown Xmas special.

I love my co-January 14th birthday pal, LL Cool J! [Note: I’ll refer to him as simply “LL” for the rest of this column.]

Rick Ross is such an a-hole to show-up puffing on a cigar, and walk through the crowd with it. And he wonders why he’s shot at.

I loved Chris Brown’s white shoes. But, I’m so sad about him, in general. I used to stick-up for him all the time, even after the Rihanna beating and the chair-throwing incident at GMA. But I just can’t anymore; he lost me when he knowingly parked in a handicapped spot, and he appears to have gotten a lot worse since then.

Have you ever seen Jack White and Sigourney Weaver together? Just sayin.’

Trey Songz was lovely.

Taylor Swift did her usual stupid feigned surprise thing when Ryan mentioned that she had already won one Grammy, (during the pre-telecast,) even though she already knew!!! What a phony. Enough already. And she needs to stop saying “stoked” because it sounds like “stoned,” (which, perhaps, she’d be better off being!)

I never heard of Miguel, but he seemed nice, and his wife was mature and well-spoken.

I love Adele, but I have to be fair and call them as I see them–that dress was downright hideous!!! It looked like an old-fashioned couch cover!!! (Mr. X said she looked like Queen of Hearts in Alice In Wonderland.) And she kept tugging at it. What possessed her to wear that rag? Why did no one talk her out of this? Doesn’t she have a stylist? Apparently not. (If she does, that person needs to be drummed out of the business. Immediately!!!) She looked like the girl who turns into a blueberry (post-transformation,) in Willy Wonka! Even a skinny girl shouldn’t wear that!

Florence Welch seemed so shy and sweet. And, somehow, I loved her whole green ensemble. (Not the dinosaur bumps on the dress, but the color, long sleeves, sequins, and matching bag and shoes.)

JLo‘s and Florence’s and Rihanna’s pointy nails are gross. They’re dangerous and threatening, too. How do they not poke their eyes out with those talons???

I never heard of Kaskade, but when he took his glasses off, I instantly said, “Oh, put our glasses back on, honey!”

I can’t believe I really enjoyed Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose! And he was wearing Tom Ford! Who would have expected that!

I hated that some didn’t follow CBS’ new dress rules. (They basically asked for no private parts showing too much.) That was just rude of the guests.

Kelly Rowland was one such flaunter, in a dress with lots of bare spots. In my opinion, she should not have invoked Jesus with her crotch sort-of showing, and one’s eye being drawn right to her Venus Mound. Ugh. Worse to me were her nails; she should never show those suckers again to the mani-cam.

I’d just love to sit behind, or to the right of, that big guy from the Roots. Not.

I loved the top of Faith Hill‘s dress, but hated the bottom. Mr. X and I were crushed to notice that she looked awful, because we love her. She was so gorgeous, but last night, she just looked haggard. I found-out later that she’s wearing braces, so maybe that was it. (She didn’t appear to be wearing them when chatting with Ryan, and the first thing Mr. X said was, “What happened to her teeth?!” Turns-out he was right about the big spaces; that’s why she’s doing the braces now.)

Nicole Kidman‘s dress sure was dowdy.

I love Keith Urban, always have, but why doesn’t he stand-up straight, especially since he has such a tall wife?

Kat Denning‘s dress was awful and so were her nerdy shoes. But good for her for losing a ton of weight! But, sadly, that chick is so not funny on her own! She should never travel without a writer.

I liked Kaley Cuoco‘s casual outfit; but it looked like something I wore in the ’80s.

Trudie Styler had one of the worst plastic surgery jobs ever! But it made me sad that she got really old.

I was not a fan of Beyonce‘s understated look, but it’s nice that she made this evening, which she wasn’t a big part of, not about her.

I loved the color and long sleeves on Katy Perry‘s dress. But she should not have had her boobs popping-out.

Gee, I wonder where Rihanna’s nipples are. I would have loved her red dress if it weren’t sheer. But I can’t believe I never noticed her nose job before!

ARRIVALS ON TV GUIDE CHANNEL

[Yes—I watched even those!]

I loved Sky Blu‘s crystal shoes. And I was happy to find-out that his LMFAO partner, Redfoo, is now dating tennis player Victoria Azarenka! I watched them meet during an interview at the US Open last Fall. I knew they were fans of each other, but didn’t know what happened for them since. Loving it!

I loved Ziggy Marley! He gave perfect, thoughtful answers.

I don’t even know who Pauley Perrette is, except that I’ve seen her on several red carpets, but her hair is always filthy!!! I can’t stand it! Maybe she has a scalp disease, but then wear a wig if you’re in the public eye! And this time, she made it worse by wearing hardly any make- up. Ugh.

We were so happy to see that Ashanti finally shaved her sideburns! Yay!

THE SHOW

Having performed in one myself, I love all things circus, but I didn’t get what that had to do with Taylor Swift’s song, We Are Never Getting Back Together. (And, guess what honey?—None of your exes want to!) And she can’t sing. I’m just not a fan. And, judging by the less-than-tepid applause when LL said, “What a special performance by Taylor Swift,” others are finally over her, as well.

As I said at the top, I love my b-day mate, LL Cool J, who hosted for the second time, but his opening bit, about himself, sucked. They need to bring back a comedian host! Stat!

Why would JLo show off her wobbly thigh and hips?

I can’t believe that Pitbull is only thirty-two! I thought he was about fifty! For reals.

I absolutely love Adele. She’s exactly my type of gal, someone who would be my best friend, if I met her.

Did anyone else beside Mr. X and me notice that the band Fun. sounds like the band Yes? But the rain portion of their performance was crazy. Wouldn’t it ruin their instruments, especially the piano? And couldn’t the guitarists get electrocuted? But I’m happy for guys who’ve toiled in obscurity to get some recognition now. It must be way satisfying for them.

I love Bonnie Raitt, but she looked like she got caught in the Fun. rainstorm! Couldn’t they have de-frizzed her hair, at least a little bit???

Miranda Lambert‘s performance outfit was all wrong. You don’t wear a tight, light-colored, very mini dress when you’re that overweight!!! I hate to say it, but Blake Shelton just might be a “chubby chaser.” And why were they shooting her from the ground up??? It just made it worse. But at least she had a fun manicure.

And the sound on her number with Dierks Bentley was awful.

When LL started talking about losing Dick Clark this year, it sounded like he was introducing a tribute to the guy. But that was it! So strange.

By this point, the whole show was making me sad. Between the aging women, (like Nicole Kidman, Faith Hill, and Trudie Styler,) the pointy nails, the heavyset girls, the sad relationships, and the so-so performances, I just got kind-of bummed.

Why were both sexes together in all categories? In all the other years, they had them separated, which made for more nominations for everyone. I guess they felt the show took too much time that way, but this way was just not fair.

Sorry, but I hate Carrie Underwood‘s song Blown Away. The sound actually hurts my insides.

Maybe everyone was burnt-out from the big parties the night before, and that’s why no one sparkled, in any way. (Except for JT, but we’re getting to that soon.)

The front row is sitting there with drinks! Who’s serving?!

Why do girls like Johnny Depp? I don’t get it. At all.

We hope that Ellen Degeneres isn’t sick. She looked awful. And her weird staring-right-in-Beyonce’s face-while-presenting was downright odd.

Justin Timberlake was the best part of the show…by far! I so respect that he never comes out with new music until the whole situation is absolute perfection, as his performance last night was, on every level. I also loved his Tennessee Kids orchestra. And Jay-Z coming out of the audience to rap with him was the second best part of the show!

Didn’t JT get so grown-up since he got hitched? He seems different to me.

Just gotta add—he reminds me so much of Robin Thicke nowadays. They always had the same nostrils, but now JT is rockin’ the same ‘do, and even rings! He’s like Robin Thicke 2.0, who can also dance. (Somehow, even without the same level of talent as JT, Robin is sexier.)

I’m glad Frank Ocean beat Chris Brown (for a Grammy, not in that recent club brawl.) And didn’t you notice that Chris, (along with his co-loser in the category, Miguel) was just about the only one who didn’t stand-up for Frank’s win? And he was sitting in the front row!!!

Alicia Keys–now, that girl is musical! She was playing percussion now! I have a feeling she can pat her head and rub her stomach at the same time, too.

I was sad to see that Kelly Clarkson got heavy again. Maybe she’s pregnant! You heard it here first.

LL introduced Rihanna by saying, “As you’ve never seen her before.” He was right! Between the nose job and long hair, and getting super-skinny, she doesn’t look like herself anymore.

And is Stay her song to Chris? I think she may have lain her soul out there last night, and I was surprised that the audience of her peers seemed so supportive.

Dr. John looked like he was tripping. What a weirdo. And that performance with the Black Keys and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band was dreadful. It was neither the blues nor jazz, and sounded to me like just a lot of noise.

At this point, I thought, “I wish they’d hurry and get to the In Memoriam section, so there will be at least something interesting.” How sad is that?!

I hate when people on-stage tell the crowd to “Get up!” You can’t tell people to get up!

The Bob Marley tribute was the third best part of the show, after JT and Jay-Z.

I can’t believe Rihanna tattooed under her boobs! And they were sort-of popping-out down there, as were Alicia Keys’ before her, which I forgot to mention.

Adele is the most sincere, unpretentious person there.

Every shot of Taylor in the audience screamed “It’s all about me!”

Jack White looks like some frightening female, but I don’t know which one. And his female band was scaring me. They reminded me of Mercedes McCambridge’s posse in Johnny Guitar. His male band was better, but it sounded like garage band noise to me. (By the way, Mr. X said it was great!)

Now I was thinking, “This is one Grammys I’m glad I’m not at!”

We loved the visual effects on Carrie Underwood’s dress!!! But we had to put on the captioning to see what the lyrics were to explain the images. And guess what? They didn’t go together at all! Strange presentation, but pretty.

Prince just does not age!

I so happy that got Gotye‘s song (with Kimbra) won. And they were so happy to receive their award from Prince! I’ve rarely seen a winner more genuinely grateful.

Although dressed appropriately, something about Stanley Clarke looked so casual, like a guy who plays on week-ends.

Frank Ocean’s singing was, sadly, horrible. It was like a performance at a “special” school, unfortunately. Chris Brown must have been so happy. I think Frank is just an insecure guy, by the fact that he stands so hunched-over.

The first time I ever wanted someone to change their outfit during an awards show was Adele. It was hard to look at repeatedly.

Why does LL wear a hat all the time?

They never showed us the winners they didn’t televise. Shame.

That’s it. I need to go drown my disappointment by watching one of my old shows! Some of them have got to be worse than this year’s Grammys, so last night will look better to me by comparison.