GOLDEN GLOBES 2020

First of all, Ricky Gervais is a genius! Mr. X and I love that man. Unlike some of the people in that room, many of whom, (like Rita Wilson and, I really hate to say it but Keith Urban,) refused to even crack a smile, he and I were downright guffawing at Ricky’s monologue! It was perfection! What a brilliant man he is. And so much fun. He just may be the only famous person with whom I’d like to be friends. The show needed sooo much more of him.

Other than that, the Golden Globes was entertaining enough. But this is weird—the telecast was listed as being just two hours, (after a football play-off game and then the national arrivals show,) but Ricky said it was going to be a three hour show. But then the live telecast went so long that the arrivals show was aborted. When the Golden Globes was shown live at 5ishPM (which we watched, so I could live-tweet about it,) it appeared to be three hours, but when it was re-telecast a little while later, it went for three and a half! So I have no idea what was going on with that aspect of it. (And no—I do not drink or do drugs at all, so my perception was not the problem.)

I hope you enjoyed all my live tweets. (If you don’t yet follow me, you can do so now, and read them from last night, @MajorCelebrity.) But either way, here are all the thoughts that didn’t make it into them, some for time constraints, some because they’re better hidden-away in this article!

So let’s get to them already, in order of the actual show, followed by the arrivals on E:

The Globes lived up to their reputation (of giving awards to mostly foreigners) right off the bat, with an award to someone named Ramy Youssef for his obscure self-titled show that he even joked no one has seen. I’ll bet there are few who have even heard of it!

Why was presenter Jennifer Aniston being so rude and disinterested?! What an uncomfortable weirdo. Her co-presenter Reese Witherspoon tried her best to be extra perky to make-up for it. And the way that Jennifer read Russell Crowe’s heartfelt message (because he was not there to accept his award—he stayed in Australia to help-out during these horrific fires,) was unforgivable.

Stellan Skarsgård gave a great speech.

So far, it’s four out of four for foreign winners.

Mr. X and I were both shocked by how small Kieran Culkin is! (He’s supposedly 5’6”, but looked about four inches shorter than that.) Mr. X said if anyone ever does a movie about a jockey, he’s in. (He meant it in a good way.)

Kerry Washington’s hideous chest-baring dress shouts, “Look at me.”

Now it’s five out of five.

Sienna Miller is so naturally pretty. It’s a pleasure to see someone who just is, and not crying-out for attention.

Pierce Brosnan is still gorgeous. And one of his sons is. (But the other one is the model!  Go figure.) It was smart of the Golden Globes to add a charity platform for the offspring-of-stars “ambassadors” to speak about, no matter how briefly. [Sidebar: I met Pierce a couple of years ago, and he is that gorgeous in person! I’ve been to his house, too, but we’ll leave that story for my book.]

What is up with Ellen Degeneres’ ears?! They look fake! I’ve always thought that my ears are big, (Mr. X has even been known to buy me Dopey figurines,) but Ellen’s take the cake! But she has obviously never cared about looks, so that explains her featuring them. [Sidebar #2: She’s another one I knew back in the day. That may also make it into my book. And here’s a hint: Viewers of Karen’s Restaurant Revue know that I danced on my show first!!! I’m just sayin’. For now.]

Ana de Armas, the beautiful girl from Knives Out, demonstrates how you should dress at an event like this, unlike Kerry Washington.

Two people I can’t stand, Tim Allen (I’ll tell you why in my book,) and plump Lauren Graham, (whom I’ve never even seen before, but now I’m against her because not only did she not laugh at Ricky’s opening, but she downright scowled through it!,) presented together. Perfect. (And I was happy to see them bomb.)

Now it’s six out of six.

Brian Cox’s speech was the first not-great one.

Margot Robbie is the most gorgeous girl. But why is her hair so often filthy and stringy? Why would you go to an awards show like that?

Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio should have dropped the mike. I can hardly handle either one of their beauty on his own, but to see them together just made me squirm! [Note: Obviously, that’s those gorgeous men in the picture at the top of this page, so you can see them in a big pic.  Photo by Karen Salkin.]

That is the best Kathy Bates ever looked!

Laura Dern was the first American to finally win last night! And she probably deserved it. (I’ve seen only one of the other four nominated performances, so I can’t judge fairly. There are different nods for the SAG Awards, which I vote for at the end of next week.)

Gwyneth Paltrow is a lunatic! Now she wore a dress with her naked butt being seen, butt-crack and all!!! How desperate is she?!

The award for Most Mismatched-Looking Couple goes to Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas. Mr. X said they look like they met at a party where everybody put their keys in a bowl.

How is Ansel Elgort starring in the upcoming film version of West Side Story??? From the little bit he sang last night, (as a presenter,) he is a dreadful singer!!! I thought that was a bit he was doing—to make believe he could sing!

Why would Dakota Fanning want to look like she did? Were all the stylists in town booked? And has she no friends? Nor mirrors in her house?

I was wondering who would win for Best Original Song, when composers Elton John and Taylor Swift and Beyonce all showed-up. (I use the term “composer” loosely in that last case—more like “someone whose contract allows her to slap her name onto the songwriting team!” And she showed-up an hour into the show, to boot!) I could not imagine who the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, (the organization whose awards show this is, in case you didn’t know,) would consider the biggest star. And then I realized it was no contest. Of course Elton was the victor—he’s foreign!

But really–how did Elton John and Bernie Taupin never win a Grammy in all these decades of penning iconic songs??? That revelation from Elton last night really boggled my mind. [Sidebar # 3: Bernie’s another one I’ve met along the way.]

She always says the right things, but it’s hard to take Patricia Arquette seriously when she’s constantly popping her boobs out like that! She looked like a joke-y SNL character!

Zoe Kravitz looked so classy. It was a pleasure to see, especially up against Patricia Arquette’s creepy, desperate, classlessness!

I always love Olivia Colman’s fun speeches.

Tom Hanks gave a nice, educational speech. [Sidebar #4: Yes—Tom is another one for my book. It’s practically writing itself right here and now!]

Mr. X said that Helen Mirren has gotten better-looking as she’s aged. But I’ve only known of her old, so I have nothing to compare it to. But I get why so many find her attractive, even though she’s far from “pretty.”

Sam Mendes is yet another British winner. But even though I have yet to see 1917, (which, in a big coincidence, is sort-of part of my phone number!,) the film is supposed to feature one of the greatest cinematic achievements ever, so I have a feeling he deserves both wins.

Tiffany Haddish was even more disgraceful that usual. She sashayed on-stage ahead of co-presenter Salma Hayek, like it was all just her.  And then she purposely didn’t even let their joke work. The most shameful was that she hung all over the people who won the award they were presenting for Chernobyl! Even Salma looked disturbed, and moved like she was going to tell Tiffany to stop it, just when that segment wrapped-up. Disgusting woman, that Haddish.

By the way, that was a weird-looking group of people from Chernobyl.

Why does Michelle Williams always make herself look so awful? That hairdo—ugh.

JLo’s dress was awful! (And I admire her very much, so it pains me to say so.) When she has every designer in the world available to her, why would she choose that ugly Christmas package bow gown, which has no redeeming qualities whatsoever? I think maybe she was trying to not choose a sexy ensemble, to seem like a serious actress. And she should have saved that serious hairdo for the Oscars, (in case she gets a nod.) The Golden Globes is a more fun, loose show than the Academy Awards. (Or maybe, since the Oscars nominations didn’t come out yet, she’s trying to show those voters that she’d be a good choice!) I’m also sad that she had yet another facelift, even though she definitely always has the best plastic surgery I’ve ever seen, including her multiple nose jobs!!! (I think I need her doc’s number.)

I always hear jokes about Paul Rudd never aging, but he does look the same as he did on Friends!!!

Hildur Guðnadóttir, another foreigner, won for Best Original Score for Joker. I’ve lost count.

Brad Pitt beat-out Pacino and Pesci and Hanks and Hopkins for Best Supporting Actor??? And he seemed so embarrassed by it.

OMG—I think I might be in love with Brad Pitt! His last two lines of his speech, one about being kind, really got to me.

Why did Pierce Brosnan get to appear twice? That’s just nutty.

Here’s far from a newsflash—Joaquin Phoenix is weird.

There’s so much bad to say about Renee Zellweger. First of all, her face was so greasy. And she was in desperate need of earrings, good hair, and lip balm. Worst of all, why did she have a southern accent all of a sudden? And why did it come and go in that short space of time??? What a self-involved speech that was. No one in the live audience even seemed to like her.  (And what happened to that she supposedly finally had her eyes fixed last year? I guess it didn’t take. How can she even see out of those slits???)

Sandra Bullock is yet another woman who needs a hairbrush!

To sum-up the 2020 Golden Globes–this show needed so much more Ricky Gervais!!!!!!!

E ARRIVALS

That giant forehead woman host finally listened to me after all these years and went with sleeves! Hooray. But that long blonde wig was hideous!!! She looked like a blonde Morticia. And she still doesn’t know enough to stop saying everything is “amazing!” How does she have a job on TV???

Years ago, Pierce Brosnan’s wife, Keeley Shay Smith, and I were both correspondents on a local LA morning show. We never met, but I can tell you that she was gorgeous! I feel bad that I have since gained a bit of weight, (because I broke my back, and can no longer exercise,) but why did she do that, especially when she has the bucks for private trainers and chefs?!?!?! It’s insane.

I love what Sofia Vergara said about milking the Modern Family experience from the start, that she vowed to accept every invitation and opportunity that came her way. That’s my exact philosophy, too. And she always did it in a charming way, which not everyone does.

Saoirse Ronan has gotten gorgeous! It’s a tad strange, too, because her skin is sooo white. But I think her beauty is because her skin is brown-white, not white-white. (Calm down, people–I’m not saying anything ethnic—I’m just talking about skin tones.)

I cannot believe that the E Channel dissed Tom Hanks, the major honoree of the evening, like they did! He was standing there on the steps, waiting to be interviewed by Ryan Seacrest, and E cut away to a commercial and never came back to him!!! Disgraceful.

And I’ll end on that charming note. But the SAG Awards, Grammys, and Oscars are all coming-up in swift succession, so there will be plenty of snark, (and praise,) to come from me in the next month or so! To make sure you don’t miss any of it, maybe you should follow me on Twitter right now. @MajorCelebrity. I’ll meet you on there!