SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS 2013

 

I better get a monologue ready! Someone in show biz is for sure going to need an understudy this week because so many of the actors last night at the Screen Actors Guild Awards were sick that it had to have spread through the entire assemblage! I’ll be sitting near my phone all week. (Or, more accurately, carrying it with me.)

It appeared that the only walk-ins were on E!, but it’s hard to watch those buffoons who do the interviewing on that channel. The main woman is sometimes not that awful, but Kelly Osbourne and that Ross person are like nails on a chalkboard.

But, for the sake of snarking for you guys, I tried a little, and was mostly pleasantly surprised this time! Ross was actually pretty good in the interviews, once we got past his voice.

So, here goes, in the order of the evening:

THE ARRIVALS

Eddie Redmayne was just adorable and darling and charming.

Jim Parsons did a really good, fun interview, and was inadvertently joined by Ellie Kemper from The Office, with whom he had done a commercial that never aired, early in their careers, so they had more to say than the usual pap.

And, as a manicure fan since I was a little girl, I really appreciated that they featured a mani-cam! I always feel that nail couture, (a term I just coined right here and now,) is an under-appreciated art.

Nominee Naomi Watts and last night’s Lifetime Achievement Award winner Dick Van Dyke bumped right into each other on the red carpet, (actually, he stepped on her dress,) and there were absolutely no flashes of recognition on either one of their parts! And the public thinks that all of Hollywood hangs-out with each other. Tsk Tsk.

Mark Salling, who plays the only Jewish guy on Glee, invoked his “relationship with Jesus Christ” in his red carpet answers. Delightful.

I don’t know who Michelle Dockery is, (other than an actress on Downton Abbey,) but her right boob was hanging down the side to her waist, in full view of everyone!!! (I thought it was some weird downward stripe at first.) And she wore that dress on purpose! Does no one own a mirror? Or a friend? Or a publicist, stylist, anybody?

And how awful did Darren Criss (from Glee) look? He looked like he was up all night, nursing a hangover. His hair was dirty and gross and his face scruff was far from the sexy kind.

I want Elizabeth Moss‘ make-up artist! I feel bad saying this, but she’s close to being a miskite, and that eye make-up really helped her out! It was fabulous!!! The carpet-walkers always mention every other stylist, but never the make-up ones who are by far the most important! You can be wearing the most fabulous dress ever, but without great make-up, you’re nothing in this town!

Speaking of make-up, Jessica Chastain needed a lot more! She looked like she was watching on the couch at home! I’ve noticed that that girl is sure into talking about the journey, (of everyone!,) which I often reflect on, too. (And even though I’ve had a modicum of success in my acting and media personality careers, Mr. X is absolutely convinced that my major accomplishments are ahead of me! A psychic I saw in September mentioned that, as well, without my even asking or thinking about the topic! So, one day, I may have a “journey” story to tell at an awards show; a looking one!)

Doesn’t Jane Krakowski have enough money by now to ditch her fake horse teeth, and get better fake ones?

The main host woman called Ross “Roz” at one point! What was up with that?

Rainn Wilson, who I have no idea who he is, called Homeland star Damian Lewis “the ginger dude.” At first I thought that was cute, but then they pointed Damian out to Rainn, and Rainn asked what his name is! So rude! The guy has won several awards for Homeland this season, and this rude dude dissed him!

Bradley Cooper seems like such a regular guy, which is good. And he has great hair, which I never noticed. I loved that he could touch it while being interviewed, which I’ve never seen anyone do before! And I also loved his normal demeanor during the interview.

Speaking of hair, what was Alec Baldwin‘s doing???

Good dress and entire ensemble on Helen Hunt. One of the best of the night!

No one was tan but Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper! I don’t care what the trend is, (like this dumb one to be pale,) because nobody, (except perhaps Marion Cotillard,) looks good that way. I’m by no means suggesting that anybody sit in the sun, mind you, but did anyone ever hear of spray tans?

I love the trend of pale nails, though. I think I’m going to go with it this week.

So many females had their hair to the side, which I hate. But, at award shows, the main trend always seems to be “monkey see, monkey do.” Or, at least, stylist see, stylist do.

I loved Amanda Seyfried‘s dress! She seems like just a nice, natural, honest chick.

Amanda and Jennifer Lawrence had almost the same look! Strapless navy gown with a long, thick train, and light brown hair off to the sides. And when they passed each other on the carpet, without acknowledging each other, it was just strange.

They should make that Giuliana Rancic woman donate to charity every time she says “amazing” or “obsessed.” They could build a whole hospital wing on just one awards show!

Julie Bowen‘s ponytail wasn’t the hip kind; it looked like she was going to clean a house…and not even her own.

Ben Affleck loves his wife so much! It’s weird that they didn’t get together originally; he was engaged to JLo first, even though he had already made a film with Jennifer Garner. Maybe he’s like Mr. X, upon whom loving me crept up after we were already good friends. (At least I hope it did; he always says, “I’ll let you know when it happens.” What a guy! But we’ve been together longer than any of these other show biz couples, so there!)

How did Marion Cotillard look so gorgeous when she was so sick? You could tell she was miserable. I loved her dress, except for the bottom front, where it drew our eyes to her less-than-stellar feet and shoes.

Good for Nicole Kidman! When she was kindly giving that Ross guy a thoughtful answer to his question, he just gave her the bum’s rush, whereupon she embarrassedly asked, “Are you cutting me off?” The E! producers were rude to have him do it, but he should have let her go on anyway. That was bad form on his part. They could have just let Nicole finish and foregone yet more minutes of their inane host chat for a few seconds, which is, trust me, the way the viewers would have preferred it.

Hugh Jackman is the best on every level, bar none.

Claire Danes had a baby six weeks ago! That was pretty quick to get that in shape!

THE SHOW

What a horrible outfit on Julianne Moore. Mr. X said she wins for most unflattering dress, perhaps ever. (He called it “Salute to black mold.”) It featured hanging boobs, white dress on white skin, sack shape, and creepy black spots on the lower half, Ugh. I wouldn’t look like that to go to bed! By myself! It looks like it’s straight out of a Carol Burnett skit! At least she can spill food on it with no consequences.

Amy Poehler has never has shed a public tear for the end of her marriage. She actually gained weight and seems to be laughing all the time.

Where are Helen Hunt’s lips, especially the top one? She and Bradley Cooper could definitely not make-out! (I actually flew to New York with her once, in a small group who was traveling the country together. I’ll tell you that story sometime, because the experience still baffles me a bit.)

I loved Hal Holbrook‘s opening bit about why he’s an actor. His was the best anecdote, with Sophia Vergara‘s being second. She’s always so cute.

Nicole looks great, but Mr. X wonders if she had her hair cut recently. (It’s joke because her ends are so blunt.) I want her plastic surgeon!

Why was Tommy Lee Jones not there? Very disappointing. The assemblage was denied the chance to look bored during his speech, like he did during everyone’s at the Golden Globes two weeks ago!

DeNiro‘s wondering why he himself did show-up!

Justin Timberlake looked like he was channeling Robin Thicke!!! And his clashing grays and checks were awful!

Mr. X and I are sick that Anne Hathaway won. He said, “Let’s see if she can be real for once in her life,” before she did her speech. But we guess not. The assemblage looked so unimpressed with her speech. Or win. So, just who voted for her?! For me, this was the most disappointing win ever. The rest of SAG, (outside of Mr. X and me,) is just a bunch of sheep to have voted for her.

Why does Alec Baldwin keep winning? Perhaps because it’s his show’s last season. But he did give a good, quick speech.

Two gingers (Julianne Moore and Damian Lewis) presenting together. Clever pairing.

Damien said, ” I wonder what it’s like acting in a TV show that makes people laugh.” With that delivery, he’ll never know.

Tina Fey got the “last season vote,” too. And she said “fi-nale” rather the correct “finale.”

Ben Affleck looks even more handsome when he is standing next to John Goodman, Bryan Cranston, and Alan Arkin.

Noah Wylie looked awful. And I never even saw him much in life.

Best Jane Lynch ever looked.

Modern Family was the most deserved win so far.

Why did so few people bring their spouses??? Keith Urban had to leave an audition session of American Idol to “hold his wife’s hand” at some much lesser event, but he doesn’t show up here? Strange. (Maybe all the spouses were sick, which is very plausible with the flu going around.)

Kevin Costner showed up for everything else, so it’s kind of rude that he didn’t for this award, given by his peers.

We loved Dick Van Dyke’s line: “Aren’t we lucky to have found a line of work that doesn’t require growing up?” He’s the peppiest eighty-year-old I’ve ever seen! He was practically bouncing around there!

I think Damian Lewis may have gotten screwed by the last season of Breaking Bad, because Bryan Cranston won instead of Damian. I don’t know who deserved this one because I’ve never seen either one, but the audience reaction seemed to favor the Brit.

I was so happy to see that Dev Patel and Frida Pinto are still together. He seems to be such a sweet kid.

What an awful presenting duo: giant Busy Phillips and tiny Taye Diggs.

Best comment of the night came from Claire Danes, as she accepted her award. She said, “So I guess I’m an actor, I’m not an actress. That answers that question.” (Some of us in SAG hate that they announce these female categories as “Best female actor…” There’s just something so pretentious and degrading about that.) The rest of her speech was great, as well.

I never realized before that the statuette has a male unit!!! That’s just rude.

The female announcer behind the scenes was just awful!!! She goofed-up the names of Noah Wylie and Jessica Chastain, to name a couple. And they should have had her announce each presenter’s credits, because I’m sure a lot of the viewing public didn’t know who some of these people are.

The last presenting duo I’d expect to do a comedy bit is Sally Field and Daniel Day-Lewis. But it was brief and effective and sort-of charming.

Jennifer Lawrence gave a lovely, classy speech that choked me up, even though I voted for Naomi Watts, who really deserved it more.

But who would have thought that Jennifer Lawrence would be the one to have a wardrobe malfunction? What a badly designed dress!

Am I the only one who thinks Silver Linings Playbook made too light of mental illness???

I’m crushed for Hugh that he didn’t win best actor. And he deserved it more than Daniel. And, he’s supposedly the most popular and admired actor, too, so why did not enough of his peers, who love him so much, not vote for him? Maybe they figured his visage and charm are award enough for one man.

I love that Daniel mentioned Joaquin Phoenix, who was left out of the nominations, but deserved it the most, no matter what one may think of him. Daniel is so classy.

But I need to know: how did enough people stay awake during Lincoln to vote for Daniel?!

Great line by him: “It occurred to me that it was an actor who murdered Abraham Lincoln. And therefore somehow it’s only fitting that every now and then an actor tries to bring him back to life again.”

Jude Law looks old.

Love that, in his moment of triumph for argo, Ben Affleck was still in reverence of Daniel Day-Lewis; he said that he was thrilled that he was now standing where DDL had just been, and added, “Maybe I’ll be a better actor just for the radiation.”

It was a very mixed bag of winners, most of whom I did not vote for. But, even with my losses, I found it interesting that there was no one dominate film. Or even TV show! The love was spread around.

Now we’re finally done with television awards for the season! Whew. But these movie awards don’t bode well for my happiness at the Oscars. I’m hoping for at the very least a different Supporting Actress win, (duh,) and Hugh Jackman to take home the Best Actor honor. Fingers crossed for those two outcomes.