On a daily basis, I get asked for my opinions of this all-star season so far, and why I haven’t yet weighed-in. So, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten around to it before, but I’m here to rectify the situation this very minute!

I really hadn’t planned on writing about it yet, so I haven’t taken any notes as I watched. Last night, Mr. X kept saying, “Write that one down!,” as we went along, but still I did not.

So, most of my bon mots have been lost to posterity. But I’ll give you some impressions on this All-Star season of Dancing With The Stars from what I can remember.

First of all, the only place we know most of these supposed “stars” from is previous seasons of this show!!! So, still not what most of us would call “stars.”

Shawn and Derek's amazing mambo. And this pose was just the middle of the dance!

To date, (from the first four eliminations,) I’m very disappointed that Drew Lachey got eliminated last week, and even more so about Joey Fatone’s exit the week before. There are now nine supposed celebs left, five of whom I can’t stand seeing. (In no particular order, as they say on the show, they are: Gilles Marini, Emmitt Smith, Bristol Palin, Kelly Monaco, and Kirstie Alley.) The other four I’m a fan of what they each bring to this show. (They are: Shawn Johnson, Sabrina Bryan, Melissa Rycroft, and Apolo Anton Ohno.) But I’m sure I’ll be disappointed by the final three standing at the end because I believe the producers mess with the results, in one way or another.

Here are some of my thoughts about last night’s show, in random order:

It looks to me that Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerikovskiy are fooling around in real life. There’s just something weird about them, though; last night, they didn’t have their hands off each other for even a second! Do they have to keep doing that in public? I think their lame excuse would be that they were “getting into character for the dance,” but it was totally unnecessary. And creepy. I had thought that, the first week of the show, they had said she was twice his age, but I looked it up last night, after their icky display, and found-out she’s actually only ten years older than he is, and he’s an old soul. So, them being an item wouldn’t be odd; it’s just the way they’re going about it that’s uncomfortable to witness.

Kelly and Val's contemporary dance. Classy, eh? (All photos from the TV, therefore not very sharp.)

After they did their little sex dance, that was more like something out of the Argentinian version of this show, (look it up if you haven’t seen it—but not in front of the children!,) Kelly intensely told co-host Brooke Burke that this show is “not about dancing,” but about a whole list of other stuff, (which I think many of the results prove, by the way.) Yeah, with her, it’s about at least simulating sex with her partner! Not exactly what the show was designed for.

And the judges marked those two way too high. Kelly…can’t…dance! Period! When Val was throwing her skinny body around, that looked okay. But when she’s on her own…well, let’s just say Ruth Gordon called. (And she’s a liar, too; she’s stated that she hasn’t danced since she was on the very first season, but she was in a burlesque show in Vegas a few years ago, dancing! Does she thing we viewers don’t know how to use search engines???)

(I’m moving on to other contestants in a second, I swear.) And their dance was just insane, on so many artistic levels, as well. On So You Think You Can Dance a few seasons ago, the wonderful Travis Wall choreographed one of the most emotional dances ever to the same music, Coldplay’s Fix You, featuring dancers Robert Roldan and the amazing Allison Holker. He went with the lyrics and feel of the song to make the dance be about trying to “fix” his mother who was fighting cancer. I’ve seen other dances set to this song, and they were all in that same vain. Not one other choreographer took it to be about sex! That take on it just added to the creep factor. Val said he’s unfamiliar with “contemporary” dance, which I don’t think is possible nowadays. It’s what used to be called “modern dance,” (see more about that in the next paragraph,) and means basically any style that doesn’t fit the other genres, like ballet, jazz, hip-hop. It could have been anything. How about the classic contemporary move of pulling an imaginary rope?! Ever consider that, Val??? But a sex scene is what they chose. Ugh. (Not to sex, just to the whole presentation, with her pigeon-toes and all.)

And idiot judge Carrie Anne Inaba, who tries to make like she’s so knowledgable about all things dance, (which she’s not at all,) erroneously stated that this style is really “jazz, which they call ‘contemporary’ now.” So wrong! Jazz is jazz; modern dance is what they used to call contemporary! She shouldn’t even try to sound like she has any knowledge, because she obviously doesn’t.

I think she was just trying extra-hard last night to sound relevant, (which she failed at, by the way,) because she can see the handwriting on the wall by the producers having Paula Abdul as a guest judge. Watch out, Carrie Anne–Paula is gunning for your spot!

My most disliked one on there, (yes, even more than clueless Bristol Palin,) Gilles Marini, looked like an idiot attempting to do a Bollywood routine, but the judges kiss his butt all the time. And he’s just overall creepy; he’s very unattractive, in my book, and thinks he’s all that. And he’s proven himself to be a bad sport a few times already; last week, when each couple had to pick a dance from a previous season to emulate, he was very rude about Apolo choosing one of his (Gilles’) old dances. Several others chose from another current dancer’s repertoire, and all said they honored about it. But Gilles just did not stop complaining! And yet, the public votes him through because he has a French accent. (A weird one, at that!)

And Gilles and his pro partner Peta look like Beavis and Butthead to me! Mr. X notices that, too. Does anyone else?

Paula and Carrie Anne are qualified to judge hip-hop because that’s what they did in their day, but they know nothing about Bollywood, so their marks weren’t fair. Even Len said he doesn’t know anything about that style, so none of them were qualified to judge it fairly. Hence, the stupidly high marks for Gilles and Peta.

Conversely, the judges never give Sabrina enough credit! And she’s already at a big disadvantage because, even though her partner Louie Van Amstel is a big pro choreographer, they lose points because he’s older than the other guys, he’s not sexy, and we all know there can be nothing between them because he’s gay. They should have paired her with adorable Tristan McManus. They would have sizzled!!!

And the show should have pointed-out that Sabrina was being nice to give Kirstie and Maks the Charleston to do! (I think one of the hosts may have mentioned something about it quickly under his or her breath, but no one would catch that.) When the pairs were choosing odd styles for their competitors last week, Louie told Sabrina that if she wanted to be nice to Kirstie and Maks, she’d choose the Charleston. So she did! She didn’t know they would hate it. It was the best choice for an older woman to do. So, the show made it look like she was doing something mean when it was quite the opposite.

Kirstie and Maks' Charleston. See what I mean about Baby Jane?

Speaking of that dance, poor Maks and Kirstie looked like something out of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. And why does she have to have such filthy, stringy hair in rehearsal?! I literally get queasy every time they show her in rehearsal. It’s a good diet plan for me, though!

Outside of Shawn, whose mambo with Derek last night was truly amazing, the others didn’t explain why they had to fly someplace in the middle of the week. Melissa and Gilles have their fams with them in L.A., so why would they have to waste time and energy going home??? None of it made sense. (Like, why do Bristol and Mark always have to train in Arizona? Maybe they let Bristol write the headings and she meant “Alaska,” but wrote it wrong because they both begin and end with “A.”)

The final three should really come down to Shawn and Sabrina, for sure, with either Apolo or Melissa. But the producers seem to want to make it Gilles and Emmett, with possibly Bristol in there. Weirdos.

But wait, here’s a shocker from me—a few happy notes!!!:

I’m so happy for Tony and Derek to get such fun, talented dancers as partners this season, especially Tony. He always gets stuck with the lummoxes, (like Kate Gosselin,) and you can just see the joy he’s getting from dancing with Melissa once again. She’s really the best dancer on the show, but doesn’t have a big fan base, so I don’t see her making it to the end. Shame.

And Melissa’s a really good sport. She goes along with everything Tony comes up with, and never makes any drama. It’s such a pleasure to watch their stress-free, smile-and-laugh-filled rehearsals.

Paula Abdul was actually pretty good as a judge last night. She was her usual not-wanting-to-say-anything-negative self, but it worked here. And she wasn’t drunk and crazy. I wish she had not gotten drawn into Bruno’s craziness, though, but even that was okay.

Brooke Burke's perfect dress.

I loved Brooke’s green dress last night!!! It was mouth-watering. Mr. X even loved it, saying it was “understated, elegant, warm, and cheery.”

Speaking of Brooke, I’ve come to the realization that she actually does her co-hosting job okay enough, (although Mr. X still can’t stand her.) Main host Tom Bergeron’s there for the humor. Brooke just has to ask what questions the powers-that-be tell her to, and not get in the way. And look good. She’s like a generic paper doll, which, in this case, is all they need her to be.

I’m nervous for tonight’s results, as always, because it’s rarely the correct couple, and you know how I believe in total fairness. It should be Bristol, Kirstie, or Gilles, and I have a feeling it might be Kirstie this time. If it’s anyone else, well, that’s how this stupid show goes.


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