TWO AND A HALF DESPICABLE MEN (AKA RECENT SCANDALS)

 

This Tracy Morgan scumbag doesn’t deserve his own column, so I’m lumping him in with Arnold, although I consider Tracy much worse, and poor, unfortunate Anthony Weiner, a name Morgan is probably jealous he didn’t think of first. (BTW—the “half” is Weiner because his offenses don’t even come close to those of the first two.)

 

TRACY MORGAN

 

I just want to say that Tracy Morgan should be fired from 30 Rock for his unbelievably evil homophobic comments, in the name of comedy. I won’t repeat them here, but there’s nothing even remotely funny about what he had to say. And I’m sure that no apology will erase the pain of what he said, for many gay people, especially sons, all over the world.

Just because he’s on a hit show, people, like his co-star and producer Tina Fey, are going easy on him. He needs to have his ass fired, never to be heard from again. He’s already a drunk and disgusting; this is just the straw that should have definitely broken the camel’s back!

And Alec Baldwin, for whom I used to have a lot of respect until I spoke with him at a party some of the Kennedys were giving in the Hamptons two summers ago, should take this more seriously than to issue a statement saying, “Oh, that Tracy.” Not amusing. I’m especially horrified by that reaction.

NBC—fire this creep! And please, GLAAD, and other gay organizations, please don’t let them off the hook until they do. Look what happened to Michael Richard’s career for much less hurtful comments of the same ilk just a few years ago. Morgan’s desperate “apology” tour counts for something, I guess, but he’s doing it just to save his career, not because he suddenly realizes how demonic his statements were.

If he really knew that, he wouldn’t have made them in the first place! They were in his stand-up act; that means that he had already written and rehearsed them, and that’s what he wanted to say. He thought they were good “jokes.” And now all of a sudden, he realizes just how hateful they are? It took audience members booing and leaving, and a national backlash, for him to realize that what he had written and rehearsed was so detrimental to a big group of already-in-danger-of-violence-against-them people? Give us a break here.

How would he like it if someone said they would kill their son if he was as unfunny, and unattractive on every level, as Tracy Morgan?! He’s the creator of the two most unfunny characters in SNL history–Brian Fellow and Astronaut Jones. He should be banished from show business for that crap alone!

 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

 

This whole affair, in every sense of the word, makes me so sad, though I’m not the last bit shocked by news of Arnold’s philandering or even of his child with one of his housekeepers! I am shocked, however, that she’s so homely!!!

When news of his cheating first came out, although most of us always suspected it, at first I was a tad insulted because, although Arnold had been a fan of mine almost from the very beginning of my show, and I bumped into him around town semi-often, including being invited to review his late restaurant and to a party of his at a Gold’s Gym in Venice, I swear, he never once hit on me. Ever! And believe me, I usually know when someone’s hitting on me. Hearing this recent news confused me because, when I knew him, I was skinny, supposedly sexy, and, I hate to say this about myself, but according to everyone else, I was pretty cute. All with nary a wrong word from Arnold. Most of what he said was always along the lines of, “Maria and I watch you in bed and laugh and laugh.” Mild enough. Actually, Maria always told me the same stuff, as well.

So, a few weeks ago, my first reaction, after sadness for his wife and family, was personal insult. Is it possible he went after everyone but me??? But then I saw a picture of the woman who had his child, and I was so relieved. Let me put it this way—she’s the opposite of skinny, sexy, and cute . Whew! Dodged a bullet on that one. (Better not let him see me now, though! I quite possibly could have become his type, bite my tongue.)

On a serious note, (even though I meant all of the above,) how do any of us know it was “an affair?” Maybe it was a one-time event that produced a child. We hear of that happening all the time. [Note: since I wrote this a few days ago, the housekeeper was quoted in her only interview, in Hello!Magazine, as saying that it was just “a few times.” So, I guess I was correct once again.]

And I love that some people have pointed-out that she went after him. I read that all the time. I don’t even know what that means. Does that validate it? Let him off the hook? What? So, if I go after Simon Baker, and he sleeps with me, it’s okay then? I don’t get the whole concept. Females go after famous males all the time. Are the men supposed to just go along with it and tell their wives it was okay because “it was her idea.” Puh-lease.

To sum it up—poor classy Maria did not deserve this, even if she basically ignored her Kennedy family values and campaigned for a Republican. I don’t even know how she can make-out with one, let alone marry and sleep with one. His politics should have given her pause right there. And he’s not only disgusting, but must be blind, as well. And, oh, all those poor children. What a mess.

But he’ll still go to lunch in Beverly Hills and smoke his cigars, which usually indicate a small male unit, by the way, which his behavior shows me, too. Since there seem to be a lot a women with personal knowledge in that area, I’m sure we’ll be reading something along those lines soon, as well.

 

ANTHONY WEINER

 

At least, we know for sure that this little skinny guy has a healthy unit. That’s probably why he can’t help but take pictures of it. And let everyone know. Which is why Arnold probably never tweeted pix of his, I surmise.

Just writing this name for the first time, I realized—why does this guy have a Jewish last name, but an Italian first? I know, I know—that’s the least our our concerns about him.

I can’t really say much about this one. I’m just scratching my head over it. Poor Mr. X is devastated over it. He loved this guy, as did most people. Democrats were hoping for big things from him. I hope he can get away without resigning, but chances of that are looking slim. With judgement like this, just how effective of a lawmaker can he be?

Mr. X and I disagree on this, but a situation like Weiner’s is in some ways even worse than actually cheating—it’s just odd to me. It’s not like someone is standing there, and you’re attracted to her, and lust gets the better of you. Or that you fell in love with someone other than your spouse by pure accident. I can understand those two a little. But, to send anyone shots of your crotch, let alone complete strangers, is just so perverted to me. I don’t understand any of it. It’s really hard to stick-up for this guy.

As sad as I am, I am just a tad curious to see what happens with his situation, especially in the marriage department. Here’s his poor, presumably innocent wife, about to have a baby, and she has to decide if she wants to go it alone in life, for now at least. It’s tough. I predict, that with Hillary Clinton as her close, personal advisor, she’ll stay and they’ll work it out. But maybe she should cancel his computer privileges for awhile. Or at least contact him on-line herself, pretending to be a strange, young girl, and let him get his perversions out to her alone. I know—I should be a sex therapist, right?