As an entertainment, the Oscars show was a snoozefest and a half. Maybe even two!

Let me say up front that I can’t stand Anne Hathaway. She’s phony, full-of-herself, self-conscious, and every move of hers is designed to make people think she’s cute and funny, while being neither.

As much as I dislike her is the amount that I love James Franco. He’s perfect on every level–charming, intelligent, talented, and none of his moves are to make people look at him. So, the host thing was hard for me to take. While I was fruitlessly rooting for him, I was definitely not in Anne’s corner. The interesting thing is that James doesn’t care how his hosting gig is perceived; I’ve seen him talk about it and he realizes that it is what it is and it’s not going to affect his life one way or the other.

Conversely, all Anne seems to care about is that people say wonderful things about her after. I remember when she showed-up at some show a few years ago with her soon-to-be-jailbird boyfriend, that Italian thief guy, and she kept telling all the interviewers how to pronounce his name, with that phony Italian accent flair. It made me want to throw-up even back then. (That’s when she first started disgusting me–I really hate phonies.)

When a cool, hip friend of mine came to see Anne speak after a screening a few months ago, she went in defending her and came out of there becoming a hater, as well, saying she sees what I mean about the phoniness. Mr. X always stuck-up for her, too, until last night. During the telecast, he said of her desperation, “You have to win laughs, not expect them,” and after the show he mused that she had “the sincerity of an infomercial.” He told me she “shouldn’t have changed her mind.” When I asked about what, he replied, “Not hosting the Academy Awards.”

The celebs who were interviewed at parties after of course said nice things about her, but I felt that they were just being kind. Why can’t anyone in show biz tell the truth? I guess it would be inappropriate in this case, but you can see that no one was offering these fibs with gusto.

So, with all that background, let’s get to my play-by-play thoughts on the show itself, mostly in the order that I jotted them down as the show went on, with the Red Carpet musings later on in this column.

Anne was just terrible. Period.

And that they wasted our time with her inane song, in hopes of getting her some musical gig, rather than showing clips from the nominated films, was just nuts.

James was pretty bad, as well, but it seemed like he was trying to distance himself from Anne’s artificiality by low-keying it. His eyes showed that perhaps he was herbalized. By ten minutes into the show, I was beginning to wish that I was, as well, to get through this bore-times-ten.

The only laugh in the first half hour or so came courtesy of James’ grandma, who said, from the audience, that she was excited to see “Marky Mark.” (Mark Wahlberg, for those under forty.)

I still don’t get that Gone With The Wind situation near the top.

If Anne slapped her hands together one more time, or let-out another super-unclassy “whoo,” I was going to scream. (And did!)

I actually do like that they broke tradition by not giving out a Supporting Oscar up-front, but rather began with technical ones. I like the acting ones later on in the show like this.

What kind-of ugly-ass ring was Tom Hanks wearing? Plus, we knew his trying-to-make-it-sound-off-the-cuff remark that “these envelopes are works of art,” was definitely not spontaneous, because of the advance camera shot.

While it was great to see Kirk Douglas out there, his routine was brutal. I’m glad Melissa Leo did win because she’s the only one who would love that he tortured them first. I’m glad she won anyhow, because she deserved it, but, as usual, her speech was atrocious. It may make me stop rooting for her, in general.

This show desperately needs a comedian host to give us a laugh after all these uncomfortable moments.

Now I know why they saved the In Memoriam section until later on–so they can include this show!!!

I love Javier Bardem!!! I’m dying to know what he was laughing at, so if for some reason you know, please let me in on it.

I’m so happy for David Seidler, author of The King’s Speech. I met him earlier this year, and he was as unassuming as they come.

How bad did Josh Brolin look in his teeny white tuxedo jacket?

It was an hour until the first (and, as it turned out, the only) Charlie Sheen joke of the evening.

Reese Witherspoon looked the best. But I feel that I’ve seen that dress before. Was it perhaps a vintage one, and had perhaps someone worn it before, perhaps Julia Roberts? I really don’t know–I’m just asking.

Christian Bale’s speech was the best one anyone has given this whole season!

Matthew McConaughey and Scarlett Johansson worked their bit about “sound” pretty well.

The turning-movies-into-music-videos-via-auto-tune was fun. Actually, it was the only planned bit that was!

Oprah couldn’t have looked worse.

Good for Charles Ferguson, documentary producer winner, to point-put that since the beginning of this country’s financial crisis, “not one single financial executive has gone to jail.”

There’s no one in the world who can say that If I Rise, from 127 Hours, is their favorite song, except maybe Bjork! (Listen to it for a few seconds and you’ll know what I mean.)

What’s up this years’ crop of nominated songs??? The Academy couldn’t find a “worthy” fifth song, yet these four sucked!

When Gwyneth sang her pitiful song, Mr. X said, “Gwyneth is beginning to overreach.”

Halle Berry is the most gorgeous woman with short hair! (She’s second in history in that category to Audrey Hepburn.)

When they showed the clip of Lena Horn singing, Mr. X said that everyone on American Idol should watch her to see how to sell the song, and not his/herself.

Best end line ever–after winning director Tom Hooper told us that it was his mother who found The King’s Speech as a play and told him to produce it as a film: “And the moral of this story is: Listen to your mother.” Loved it!

I wonder if Anne Hathaway has ever had a non-phony moment ever, even when she’s alone.

Natalie Portman gave the absolutely perfect Oscar speech!!!

Anne’s way-over-the-top intro of Sandra Bullock was just crazy! We were expecting Indira Gandhi or someone!

Colin Firth’s acceptance speech was just great, but I expected no less from him, having heard him speak after an industry screening this season.

As was everyone, I was thrilled to see Billy Crystal perk-up the crowd a bit. I pray that he returns to host next year because the Oscars show hit a new low with these hosts this year. I always feel like I don’t like him because, years ago, when Ellen Degeneres and I did a sitcom together, she told me that he had been rude to her when they were on tour, but no matter–he’s funny and knows how to run a show.

I realized after the show that Natalie Portman and I have something in common, besides our heritage. You’ll never guess it–we both died at the end of the last film we appeared in! Only, she killed herself, and I got gunned-down in a bank robbery gone bad. Who’d a thunk it?

Now, backwards to the Red Carpet:

Firstly, there were just too many grammatical and pronunciation errors to report, so I’m going to let them go this year.

The first rule of doing red carpet interviews should be–don’t touch anyone!!!!! Creepy local ABC host George Penacchio grabbed the necklace on the woman who wound-up winning Best Foreign Language Film, (and therefore, got her actual neck as well!,) and even worse, perhaps, the idiot female interviewer on Channel 5 in LA grabbed nominee Jennifer Lawrence’s hand and arm and lifted it in the air!!! Mr. X and I were absolutely appalled!

Speaking of Jennifer, she was perfect on the carpet–natural, smart, fun, clever, unpretentious, and nice. I hope she stays that way as her career goes on. I think she will.

Melissa Leo lied about “hoping that they will call some other girl’s name, and I can applaud and enjoy their speech,” as a preventive measure, in case she lost because of the supposed “backlash” against her self-promotional ads. She didn’t fool anyone, by the way. (She also lied when she told Chris Harrison, “I guess if they call my name, I’ll wing it–I don’t even have a bag with me tonight.” When all the winners came on-stage for the finale, there she was–clutching her purse! I don’t get all this subterfuge on her part.)

While I’m on Melissa, that was one horrible hair-do for the most sparkly of the awards shows. It was for cleaning the house with, not for the possibly biggest night of her life. And that dress was downright hideous.

Armie Hammer is really mature and manly for being just twenty-four. I’m really impressed with him.

My favorite couple of not just the evening, but always, Javier and Penelope. They’re exquisite, not just looking, but even more so as human beings.

Jacki Weaver, Supporting Actress nominee, was just lovely. She’s very real and likeable. And we have a historical love of swimmer Esther Williams in common.

Christian Bale is really lovely. I think I’m always surprised by that because of the bad rep he got from his on-set tirade last year, which, btw, I can totally understand him having under the circumstances. And, he had something different to say to each interviewer, which, trust me as someone who watches it all to know what to write about the event, is an absolute rarity.

Hailee Steinfeld looked great, but needed little diamond studs to complete the look. I hate when girls don’t wear earrings. She’s a really sweet young lady, though. And, in person, she doesn’t move her lips in that weird Gary Coleman-esque way she did all through True Grit.

Amy Adams’ green emerald necklace ruined the look of her otherwise-great navy sparkly dress.

I haven’t cared about Mila Kunis ever since I’ve heard of her this year, but now I love her for telling Chris Harrison, in no uncertain terms, “I’m not commenting on someone else’s life.” You go, girl!

Russell Brand and Busy Phillips cracked Mr. X up a lot.

Speaking of Busy, I was never a fan until I saw her talk with Mila Kunis on the red carpet. I think it’s really nice that she and Michelle Williams have maintained their best friend-ship since their Dawson’s Creek days.

The person I realized I’d most like to be friends with is…ready for this shocker?…Helena Bonham-Carter!!! She just seemed so intelligent and mentally stable.

I also really love Hilary Swank, who seems like the nicest girl ever. I wish I had gotten to know her when our guys were featured on a television show together back in the day.

Even though her dress was not attractive, Florence Welch was the only smart one to wear sleeves and a high-ish neck in the cold weather. All the other ladies had goose bumps!

Again I query–how is Kelly Osborne a fashion expert??? She had a horrible Bride Of Frankenstein ’do and a nerdy bowed beige dress on, while dissing others.

I love that Jeremy Renner didn’t get successful until he was thirty-nine, even though it was so rude of Chris Harrison to mention his age. But it gives all us not-successful-enough-up-to-this-point actors hope!

I love that Justin Timberlake and have something major and modern in common–I think we’re the only two people who don’t do Facebook!!!

At least Ryan Seacrest ends his interviews without being rude and turning his back on the celebs, a lesson every other red carpet interviewer should really, really learn.

Near the beginning of the red carpet show, Ryan erroneously announced the boy from The Kids Are All Right as “a nominee this evening,” and said, “I can sense your heart is pounding.” What? That’s a major mistake which should have been corrected on-air by someone. Anyone.

Composer Hans Zimmer was one of the most honest people there when he rightly stated, “There’s no way to sound humble when you say you’ve had nine nominations.”

Did any of these women ever hear of washing and styling their hair??? That weird blunt cut with waves seemed to be a trend this year. They all looked like homeless people, not movie stars.

Mr. X pointed out that Tom Hooper sounded just like Ringo.

Once again, Cate Blanchette’s dress was gross. I don’t even have the energy to properly rag on it.

Robin Roberts looked fantastic for her!

Maria Menounos (or whatever her name is) told Russell Brand that his hair was different than his norm! Is she nuts?! It was exactly the same and even he appeared to not know what the heck she was talking about. Just desperate for something to say, I guess.

Conversely, I’ve never seen this TV Guide hair woman before, Tabatha Coffey, but she was fabulous! She told the truth, broke it down perfectly, and was not an ass-kisser! Nor did she seem to relish having to say something bad about someone’s look–she just told it like it is. Yet another excellent Aussie!

This is not a criticism at all, just an observation: Mark Ruffalo and Robin Roberts standing next to each other looked like two different species in their body differences. (Height, weight, structure, etc.)

Hillary Swank, Sandra Bullock, and a few others are just way too white, especially the ones that then wore a white dress on top of it!

That’s it for the show and red carpet. Check back this week and next for all the Gifting Suites fun! I’m giving each suite its own column this time, so there will be plenty to catch-up on.



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