GRAMMYS 2011

 

Well, another music awards season has come and gone, and it’s all capped off by the granddaddy of them all, the Grammys. Here are my oh so many thoughts on the proceedings:

This was like opposite day to me–I expected the best Grammys show ever, with all the build-up and iconic performers like Bob Dylan, Barbra Streisand, and Mick Jagger (the only one who delivered.) And I always expect an awful Red Carpet for all awards shows, but especially the Grammys, because the music business is not exactly made-up of mental giants with good speech and something to say. They’re talented in ways most of us can never even dream of, but profundity and charm are not their strong suits.

But as dreadful as the actual show was, (I’ll get to that later,) the red carpet was kind-of good! And not because of attention-seeking idiots like Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj. Most of the other celebs were basically normal, and some, like Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, and of course, Adam Lambert, actually bordered on…dare I say…classy?

On the other hand, the show was just awful. Mr. X and I kept wishing that we had fallen behind and could just speed through it. It was one desperate act after another. The producers were trying so hard to create “special moments” that could be talked about for years to come, like Ricky Martin’s jaw-dropping debut in 1999 with Livin’ La Vida Loca, that they ignored trying to give us any spectacular numbers at all! Most of the attempts just fell flat.

And the way they did the mixing of the artists was more than annoying; rather than pair the assorted stars for some singular collaborations that could have lasted in memory for years to come, like a jam session, they basically just put them together on stage, in succession, to do their own works. During that interminable number by banjo pickers who looked like an Appalachian prison band, Mr. X kept saying that he thought Bob Dylan was supposed to be in it. Yeah–that’s how they had announced it, but Bob showed up for the last few minutes of that act to try to sing something that couldn’t be heard over those exuberant strummers.

I actually jotted down about eight pages of notes about the entire evening, but, feeling that may be too long for your concentration, I’ll they to lump some thoughts together, sort-of like the show did with the acts I was just complaining about, only I have a feeling mine will be much more cohesive.

I think I’ll start with my show thoughts first and then move backwards to my Red Carpet musings, both of them way pared-down from my original mini-series-length notes.

GRAMMYS TELECAST

I’m so glad I didn’t go to the show because, with my luck, I would have been seated behind Nicki Minaj or Janelle Monae! Don’t they realize how rude they are to wear such high “hair” to sit in an audience???

Unfortunately, the best part of the show was Letterman’s Top 10! We didn’t need to sit through three and a half hours just to hear that!

Mick was really fun, and sang Solomon Burke’s biggest song, making it a true tribute to the man.

On the other hand, what was up with that inane “tribute to Teddy Pendergrass” by Lady Antebellum? It consisted of a few lines from a song that wasn’t even his, but rather one he recorded when he was with Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes!!!

The show was so bad by 9:48PM, that I found myself wishing that they’d do the In Memoriam section already to bring the room up a little!

Then, when they finally did it, I was apoplectic. (Maybe the CBS2 reporter had seen that section, too, and that’s why she wound-up with a condition that made her speak gibberish.) [Note: she’s really okay–that’s the only reason I can make that joke.] How dare they trivialize the late great Teena Marie by putting her on a card with others??? If anyone deserved to be on her own, it’s Teena. It’s bad enough they did that to anyone, but if they must, lumping together deceased entertainment attorneys and others we never heard of would be okay, but not any performer, let alone an amazing one!

Song Of The Year winner, Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now, is a song about drunk dialing for a booty call. Lovely.

By 10:09, I realized what this show needed: a comic host. Not an annoying one, like most of the shows have, who try to make it all about him/herself, but perhaps someone really funny like Chris Rock or Jack Black. I know the Grammys always like to be “classy,” (well, as classy as a music show can be,) but it was just a snooze-fest.

The number I was most looking-forward to was Ceelo singing Forget You. I love that song! Even Gwyneth Paltrow joining him was not going to ruin it for me, and might even make it more fun. But, having him dress-up like a sad peacock or something was simply unfortunate on every level. His garb was just too distracting. And Gwyneth trying to dance on a piano just came off like some drunk girl in a bar. And I don’t even want to use any brain power on trying to figure out why the Muppets were there! We all know the producers had Ceelo sitting at the piano, even though he rarely even tickled those ivories, to make sure that Gwyneth, especially in such high heels, didn’t dwarf him, but it was all just so ridiculous and disappointing.

Poor, poor Babs. (Barbra Streisand, for you not in the know.) Her worst nightmare was realized with that awful vocal performance. Mr. X and I had to hold hands during it, like we do for frightening events. No wonder she doesn’t usually sing in public anymore. She obviously couldn’t control her voice, but what about that miserable hair and Saturday Night Live colonial skit outfit??? (She looked so bad that I couldn’t even find any full-length pix of her performing!  How did she manage to get those deleted from the internet?) And why are all the other reviewers so scared to something bad about her? The other reviews I read said stuff like she was “in fine voice.” Is she holding their families hostage?

Outside of Mick, there were only other two highlights for me. The musical one was the just-standing-at-the-mike trio of Norah Jones, Keith Urban, and John Mayer, singing a simple song with the two guitars. That was breathtaking.

The other was the camera catching Nicole Kidman singing along, with gusto, to Katy Perry’s number. When she realized, she got so embarrassed. It was a really cute and charming moment.

At 11:14, Mr. X summed it up more succinctly than I can: “This show is a total suck bag.” I hear ya, bro!

GRAMMYS RED CARPET

Since I was pleasantly surprised by many of these Red Carpet interviews, I decided to break it down into winners and losers this time.

WINNERS

Shockingly, Ryan Seacrest! He’s finally gotten it right and makes it about the interviewees, rather than about showing the audience that he personally knows everyone.

Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, B.o.B., LL Cool J, Jewel, and of course my favorite, Adam Lambert, are all so nice!!! LL even hired an “etiquette expert” to teach his children because he wants them to “have manners” and “be polite.” So, the way this world is going, they’ll be the only ones with those sensibilities when they grow-up!

Bruno Mars. When Ryan said, “Tell me what it means to have seven nominations at the Grammys,” he replied, “It means hard work pays off.” So simple and humble. Maybe the rest of the assemblage should start doing his drugs! (Seriously, only kidding about that!!!)

Selena Gomez looked and sounded so grown-up, in a lovely down-to-earth way. And she has excellent vocabulary, too. Just started loving her. So glad that she and the adorable and charming Justin Bieber are hanging out, on whatever level. That’s a perfect duo.

Drake, who brought his mom, I think as a visual aid to show us that he’s really Jewish, for those who thought his announcing it recently was just a publicity stunt.

Jennifer Lopez. Her shoes were the most mouth-watering I’ve ever seen! Her dress and purse were way cool, too.

My favorite Red Carpet moment? Two of the many couples of ladies-towering-over-the-men, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban and JLo and Mark Anthony, greeting each other away from the mike. They were all so genuinely smiley and happy to see each other. If you can read lips, you could see that Keith was animatedly telling Jen that he loved her on American Idol. But I am dying to know why Keith congratulated Ryan knowingly when they spoke on-camera. Are Ryan and Julianne Hough engaged or something??? You read it here first, if that’s the case.

LOSERS

Chris Harrison–always looking down at his notes, rather than listening to the interviewee, and often has something rude to say, that’s not even amusing. And he doesn’t even listen to himself! He told B.o.B., “You realize Stevie Wonder, everybody you’ve ever grown-up listening to, they’re all going to be staring at you tonight.” Yeah, Chris, Stevie Wonder’s going to be staring.

Willow Smith–this smug little girl, who would not be anywhere without her father manufacturing a career for her, is just downright obnoxious. When asked, “What does it feel like for you when you’re in the car and you hear it on the radio?,” she answered, “It feels like all the people that are hearing the song are changing their lives, so I’m very happy.” She thinks her stupid hair-whipping song is changing anyone’s life??? Talk about hubris! The only way that song is changing anyone’s life is that whipping you head around a lot is very dangerous to one’s health, so yeah, your stupid ditty may be ruining lives. So, good for you. (That last line of mine to be delivered like Christian Bale did in his on-set rant last year.)

Matthew Morrison–he totally dissed the Glee tour! When asked how he got out of doing it, he said because he has “good people” repping him! Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

Nicki Minaj–for Ryan Seacrest to have mentioned her strong perfume, (that she was in a cloud of it, or something like that,) how much did she have to stink?? So, no one could sit behind her because of her selfish wig, and no one could sit even near her because of her selfish perfume use. Nice girl.

Kelly Osbourne and the way-too-skinny host woman on E, who keep saying they’re “obsessed” with everything. Get these two a dictionary! “Obsessed” is the new “amazing” for morons. (The skinny woman also told someone that “Valentine’s Day is among us,” meaning “upon us.” Her often erroneous use of words is like nails on a chalkboard to me.)

Jennifer Hudson’s shoes, that Ryan specifically showed, did not fit at all, looked like they were from Payless (although they were Louboutins,) she wobbled on them, and most grossly, two of her small toes on each foot were popping-out of the straps! We actually got queasy seeing that, which is a first for an awards show Red Carpet for this household.

I hate to rag on Katy Perry, who seems genuinely nice, but she kept saying “recanize” for “recognize.” Can someone please point out the correct pronunciation to her, especially if she’s going to use that word repeatedly? And her wings were just stupid. Not a big enough gesture, in my opinion–either go big, and look like a fool, or just go cute/classy.

Heidi Klum looked so putzy in that gold dress.

These last few are neither here nor there; they’re just observations:

Muse looked like a group they made-up on SNL.

Miley was showing more-than-a-little side boob.

Was Diddy wearing bottom braces or was that a more-atrocious-than-usual grill?

I loved Rihanna’s dress, but it made her already-wide hips look even more so than usual. And it was kind-of obnoxious that she had three chicks follow her around to refresh her hair and make-up and position her dress. On a Red Carpet! It wasn’t even for the actual show!

Shouldn’t Russell Brand play Tiny Tim, the crazy guy who played the uke and sang Tiptoe Through The Tulips on the Tonight Show way back in the day?

On that same note, Julianne Hough should play the adorable, bubbly Betty Hutton, except that I don’t know if she has the acting chops to play her when she’s older and homeless.

How was the single female Sade in the category of “Duo or Group???”

Very high-heeled pumps seemed to be the fashion trend, but they’re not dressy enough for these outfits, in my opinion. And Lea Michele’s were too big for her!!!

Okay, that’s it for the Grammys dish. But we always have the Oscars to look forward to in two weeks! I’m sharpening my nails now.