MISS USA 2016

I’m so sorry I didn’t post this right away, the day after the recent competition, but my tribute to Muhammad Ali was much more pressing. And important, of course!

But, now that I’ve had four full days to digest the debacle that was the Miss USA contest this year, I can finally weigh-in.

There was so much wrong with it that I don’t even know where to begin. It’s all just rushing out of me, so, for perhaps the first time ever, I cannot go in chronological order. But I’ll get to it all. I promise.

I love co-host Julianne Hough, but her feeble attempt to point-out that the three finalists were “diverse,” was just one of the many embarrassments. The girls were actually the furthest thing from diverse–two were black and one was Hawaiian! But I know what Julianne was trying to convey; she was using “diverse” as a euphemism for “not white,” as so many awkward people do these days. The definition of “diverse” is: “showing a great deal of variety; very different.” And though it was very different to see three not-the-usual-ethnicity girls vying for the crown at the end of the contest, they themselves were not diverse; they were basically the same. (In the old days, “diverse” in the Miss USA pageant meant one was a blonde, one a brunette, and the third a redhead! So, this was, indeed, refreshing.) Her whole shpiel about it made me uncomfortable in my own home. (And it looked like it did the same for her co-host, Terrence J, whom I’ll rip apart get to later.)

Other than that, though, I thought Julianne did a good enough job. (And she looked gorgeous!) I was happy to see a host not making it about herself (except for some stupidity about how many times she and her co-host were going to change their outfits. But that was written for them; they were not her spontaneous words.) It was her first time doing anything like this, and I liked her pep, even if her presentation was a tad pat. But she’s just so cute and gung-ho that she didn’t really annoy me. (She did, however, get on Mr. X’s nerves, because she was so unnatural. But we both agreed that she’d be the perfect co-host on Dancing With The Stars! Well, anyone would be better than that creep they have now, Erin Andrews. Please ABC—listen to us about her already!)

Now, let’s discuss the inane questions they asked the girls. Since this competition does not have talent, as Miss America does, and they don’t want to appear to make it about just looks, (which it really usually is—but obviously not this year, going by the funny-looking, way-too-skinny victor, who kept sniffing strangely the whole night,) they make believe it’s about brains, too, by asking what they think are profound questions. And the producers try to make it seem like each judge has come up with his or her own deep query, although this time, they had to admit that the powers-that-be over there wrote all of them, after the Twitter-verse started ragging on that one judge who drew California as his respondee.

Of the five questions, two were benign, and one was about the Pentagon, directed to the one girl who is an Army commander! (We know that because she, and the announcers, mentioned it about a dozen times. But all we know about the other fifty-one girls is that perhaps they once played basketball! Oh, we do also know that Miss California’s father is the one-hit wonder singer, Gerardo, a fact they also hammered into our heads.) So, of course her somewhat intelligent response shone!

But Miss Hawaii was expected to answer for whom she was voting in the upcoming Presidential election, a question which shocked most of us by the rudeness of it. (Many think she would have won had she been asked a different question, and perhaps they are correct.)

But the absolute loser, both by the question she was assigned, and by her worse-than-dreadful answer, was the aforementioned Miss California. This was it, word for word: “One of the biggest challenges facing the United States is social and economic inequality. How do we narrow the gap between the rich and the poor?” Nice question for a girl to answer in half a minute, right?!

With lots of fits and starts and pauses, this is what she came up with:

“When it comes to social and economic equality, I think that the rich and the poor need to stop being so segregated. I think there is a middle class. I think that the rich need to… I think that the rich need to be able to be giving and I think the poor need to work hard and I think the middle class needs to come together and find an in-between.” Huh?! When she first closed her eyes after she heard the question, Mr. X thought that she was giving it some thought, and would come up with something good. I, on the other hand, knew right away that she was just wishing she was elsewhere. Anywhere!

What she really needed was me, as her Cyrano! I would have had her respond, “If this country’s leaders haven’t solved that problem in hundreds of years, what makes you think I can do it in thirty seconds? And if I do, I should be crowned President of the World, not Miss USA!!!” She would have then won, right? Or at least have come away with a modicum of her dignity intact.

Aside from the question nonsense, here’s another wrong concept. In an attempt to be the new version of “politically correct,” they hired a very hefty chick, Ashley Graham, as the backstage correspondent, to show that there should be all-size models. But that was especially cringe-worthy because all the contestants were rail thin! That hiring was soooo hypocritical! (And now Ashley is saying that heavy woman should be able to compete, too. First they’re considering having transgender woman in the pageant, and now chubsters. I hate that! Everyone should have equal opportunities at life, of course, but if something is set-up one way, like it being a female beauty contest, then that’s what it should be! If it’s pro baseball game, you can’t say they should include non-athletes in it, for goodness sake! You choose the best prospects for the job description!)

Getting back to the judges, why were there only five?! The producers leave this supposedly important decision, (because the winner vies for the Miss Universe crown later on in the year, and every country wants to win that,) up to just five people?! Out of the entire country??? Oh wait—they also let the viewers vote. As long as you live on the East Coast, that is! Insane.

The only winner here, outside of the one crowned, was Steve Harvey–because he didn’t host it! And his little comic bit at the beginning was the only levity in the uber-long trio of hours. But it was weirdly prophetic that, when Steve advised new host Terrence J to never mention the word “Columbia” (because Steve had erroneously announced that country’s entry as the winner of Miss Universe last year, in the most embarrassing moment in pageant history,) Terrence asked, “But what if I have to announce ‘Miss District of Columbia’ at some point?” Steve answered, “Not even then.” But that’s who wound-up winning! So, Terrence had to utter that dreaded word many times during the telecast, and usually began it with an annoying, “Sorry, Steve.”

So, speaking of Terrence J, (who did an okay job of hosting, even though he often made the show too ghetto with some of his inappropriate comments,) let’s finish-up with my personal story about him. I actually spent an evening with him in December, and let me tell you, I came away not a fan. He was the emcee of a big charity dinner in Beverly Hills, and I was a special guest. So, we were seated at the same table. My friend and I had been introduced to him in the cocktail portion of that fete, and I had no idea who he was. But, my friend, (who watches only crappy TV shows,) declared herself a fan, so he should have been nicer to us to begin with. And he knew that all the peeps at the table were VIPs in some way, so that should have also been a clue to perhaps mensch-up a taste.

But no. He came with his bestie, who serves as his business manager, (which I applaud,) and the two of them sat at dinner, checking their phones the entire night. Terrence got up every now and then to perform his stage duties, but that was it. Thinking perhaps they were a bit uncomfortable at a table of all strangers, I, (as I do with everyone,) tried to put them at ease. But they soured my milk of human kindness from the get-go. Terrence did engage one time, when I invoked the name of LeBron James, but that was it. At least he took my advice and made two very necessary announcements, about things he never would have discovered on his own, so I give him credit for listening to my suggestions.

I also give him lots of credit for how he’s run his career. He saw an opening for a young-ish black TV host, who’s not too urban, and neither too old nor too young, and has totally grabbed it. So, big props to him for that. He just needs to be more personable in real life, in my opinion.

Now, on a side note: I may possibly tweet the Tonys this Sunday. @MajorCelebrity. I can’t promise, because it won’t be exactly “live-tweeting” since the telecast will be delayed here on the West Coast. But you can always check on twitter right before the show begins in this time-zone. I’m sorry in advance if I decide not to do it since it will old news to much of the country. But I do really hope to be tweeting it for you. If not, maybe I’ll write about the show next week. Let the jazz hands begin!