(Is it so named because it’s the ultimate expo or for ultimate women???)

This recent giant event at the Convention Center was far from my favorite, but we made two discoveries that you may be interested in.

The Screaming O products. All photos by Karen Salkin.

First, I noticed an attractive red and black booth with all kinds of what we thought were cosmetics. Upon closer inspection, we noticed they were new-fangled sex toys!!! My first reaction to products like this is always, “ewww,” (mature of me, eh?,) but because these looked like make-up cases, I was intrigued. So, the guy from The Screaming O, (shouldn’t the name have been a clue?,) showed us these “lipsticks” and “mascaras” and such. You can even get them in a clear cosmetics bag! I guess the idea is to bring them in your carry-on undetected, or to hide them from your kids. Having never been single in my life, I still don’t get this area at all, but it’s a major industry, so someone must be using them!!! Only two single pals have ever mentioned this kind of stuff to me, (though I wish they hadn’t) so either all my other friends rightly keep it to themselves, or are clueless like I am in this category. But if you’re into it, you should check-out this creative company.

My other discovery at the expo is indeed in my area of expertise—massage tables!!! This one is the most brilliant one I’ve ever seen—it has an adjustable space for boobs!!! I love massages, (even with, or especially because of, my broken back,) but have always been uncomfortable lying on my stomach. I simply cannot find a comfortable spot for my chest. (My fellow big-breasted sisters know of what I speak.) Even when I do, I’m embarrassed that I have to re-adjust several times during the session. And, it can’t be good for the mammaries, on a medical level. So, I encourage all my potential masseurs and masseuses to invest in one of these Utopian tables from Contour Table Systems. (It’s actually very affordable, especially compared to the one Mr. X bought me!) Your female clients will thank you, trust me! You may even wind-up getting more of them because this is really a big issue for many of us.

The massage area, which did have lovely decor and peaceful music.

Outside of those two product finds, the rest was a mess! Since it’s a public event, whose admission is not expensive, there were way too many people for my comfort. We waited in line for over an hour for a ten-minute massage!!! And a weak one at that. And it was ridiculous how long women were waiting to just get their polish changed; I could have mixed up a batch of the stuff and bottled and marketed it in the time they spent waiting for that!

My friend availed herself of two of the way-too-many hair and make-up services, and came-out looking like a clown! Thank goodness it was pre-Halloween week-end.

Everything else was merchandise for purchase. Who wants to pay to go in somewhere to pay for things??? And, even though food was advertised, there was none of it except for the usual Convention Center fare, like a $5. slice of pizza!!!

Regis Philbin.

Even though it wasn’t our cup of tea, by any stretch of the imagination, I’m sure some of you would like it. I spoke with a few woman who said it was a fun day out with female friends, and they found some good stuff. And, the expo does feature several big enough celebrities speaking and signing books. (If you missed my latest Celeb Sightings column, you can read it here: ) So, when it shows-up in your city, I suggest considering it. Just prepare to spend at least five hours, and come away with not much satisfaction.


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