After all these years, and with all the annoyances about it, (especially that creepy, piggy co-host,) I still enjoy watching this show. I just wish they would change the title because there are never many real stars on it.

When I have to do research to find-out just who these people are, they’re far from stars! Heck, they’re not even celebrities! Most are famous people wanna-bes.

That’s not to put them down. They may be wonderful folks, as in the case of Army veteran, Noah Galloway. (I just had to look up his last name again, because I already forgot it from three minutes ago!) Reading what I just did about him, I admire the guy. A lot! It’s just that he’s a regular person, not a “star.”

Patti LaBelle and Artem Chigvintsev. What a happy pair!

And how are the producers expecting us to consider basically an extra on Glee (Riker Lynch) to be a star on this show??? That’s just insane!!! (They decided to bill him as a musician, instead, because he’s in some obscure rock band.)

They actually do have one real star on there this season, and she’s a major one! How ever did they get the incredible Patti LaBelle to do this show??? I can’t imagine. But, when I was a kid, I witnessed her being a background singer for folk-y Laura Nyro, after she had already achieved her own fame, so perhaps she doesn’t mind not being seen as the major star that she is. I’m rooting for her all the way!!!

And she was great! Her dance was beautiful, with perfect Patti LaBelle flourishes. I love her with Artem. He’s the perfect partner for her. He’s so kind and reverent. Their foxtrot actually made me cry.

Karen Salkin and Nastia Lukin. Photo by Lauren Clarke-Bennett.

Before I saw the show, I thought that Patti might be the only one I like this season. But then I remembered my former New Best Friend, Olympic Gymnastics Champion, Nastia Lukin, who I feel has this one sewn-up. She’s probably the reason Derek Hough agreed to do one more season, after he had already bowed-out. Nastia is a ringer! (Oh, how was she once my New Best Friend, you’re wondering? The story is here, as I wrote in this earlier column: itsnotaboutme.tv/news/listsports-nicest-olympians-ive-met. But if you don’t have time to click over, I’ll repeat it at the bottom of this one.)

The judges way under-marked Nastia this first time! I feel that it’s because they don’t want to look like they’re favoring the best one from the start, nor Derek, (who’s proven time and time again that he’s the best pro.) I guarantee that no one else in the competition is capable of doing what this team can do on the dance floor!!!

[Note: I just found-out that Derek is starring in a twelve-shows-a-week show at Radio City Music Hall during this entire season of DWTS! And Nastia is in college in New York, too! So, they have to fly into LA every week just to do the TV show, and fly right back to NY! And choreograph and rehearse in-between it all! That’s craaazy!]

Now that I’ve already lauded Patti and Nastia, here are my impressions of the rest of the cast, in, as they say on the show, no particular order.  [Note: I’ll try to write occasional updates on these peeps, as the season progresses.]:

Charlotte McKinney with creepy Keo–Before I saw that she can’t dance, at all!, I thought that I would actually be rooting for this pretty girl, but I hate her male pro! That’s a first! He was so rude to and about his partner, Lolo Jones, last season that Mr. X and I got depressed when we even saw him just be in a group dance number after that! We were hoping they’d get rid of him for good, but I knew they wouldn’t. Prior to last season, (Keo’s first,) I had had a feeling they were looking for a non-Caucasian pro for a long time, but I was hoping they’d wait for that cute-ish guy from last summer’s So You Think You Can Dance. He wasn’t very good, either, but at least he was much better than Keo. And not a d-bag! But, back to Charlotte–how is she a model with those horrible abnormal boobs??? Why would someone who’s pretty enough opt for those watermelons??? I actually now hope they’ll be the first to be eliminated.

Suzanne Somers. Photo by Karen Salkin.

Suzanne Somers—As I correctly predicted before I even saw the first show: We’ll be seeing some hair action with this one. She tries to hide her wrinkles with it, so her bangs and sides keep inching closer to and closer to being a human hair burka! And she looked awful in that leotard. Yes, she looks good for sixty-eight, but not as good as she thinks she looks. She had that poochy stomach sticking-up from the bottom, that Spanx couldn’t even help that much. They never should have let her wear that outfit. Someone must have told her what she looked like (after she had already danced,) because she’s the first person in the history of the show to change her outfit just to wave at the end. She put on a little black dress and heels, and looked way better. And, oh—her dancing was pretty weak, too.

Michael Sam—He was really good, and I think he’ll get much better still. Michael is adorable and sweet, and pro Peta is a good fit for him. I love them together. I just hope that homophobes don’t bother voting!

Noah Galloway—How can you not root for the guy? And he was amazing, considering that he lost two limbs in the war. But the judges way over-marked him, as well. It looks like they used a sliding scale because he was excellent for his circumstances, but not very good compared to the rest. It’s sort-of not fair, but I’m glad we, the viewers, are getting to see someone who’s above the usually frivolous contestants. (And yes, his presence does make me feel pretty bad for my shallow critiques of many of the others, but I’m here to entertain, by calling ‘em as I see ‘em. And as I’m sure many of you see them, too!)

RedFoo—I really thought he would do well. After all, we know he can dance, and he always brings the fun. But his opening number was pretty weak, mainly due to his partner, I feel. I hate to say it, because she seems like such a nice girl, but pro Emma Slater is not a very good choreographer. Redfoo would have been great with Cheryl Burke. Or Karina Smirnoff. I hope he stays long enough to show us what he’s really got!

Chris Soules’ adorable pro partner, Witney Carson. Photo by Karen Salkin. So, do you think he’d prefer her or…

Rumer Willis—[Before I saw the first show, I wrote this: Sorry to say, but I can’t even look at her! With all the money her parents have, they couldn’t have gotten her some visage help, like Alexa Joel’s parents finally did (after she tried to commit suicide?)] But after I saw her dance, I was impressed. That was the absolute best that girl could possibly look. And she did great!!! I think she’ll come in at least third! But her billing should be that she’s a “celeb offspring,” not really a “singer and actress,” as she said she is.

Chris Soules—I’ve never once watched the idiotic Bachelor, but I have to admit– this guy is really cute. And his dance, with Witney, was so fun. He was great. I can’t wait till he leaves his new fiancee for his pro partner! There are already sparks between them!!!

Willow Shields—I still don’t know who this is, but young teen-agers (she’s fourteen) should not be allowed on Dancing With The Stars, (even if she was a star!) It’s just creepy. And her dancing with Mark Ballas, who’s twice her age but looks much older, has something pedophelic about it. Seriously. It’s hard for normal people to watch.

…or this woman, his new fiancee? I’m just sayin’. Photo by Karen Salkin.

Robert Herjavec—Before I saw the guy dance, I thought: Poor Kym Johnson. She finally gets to return to the ballroom, and she gets saddled with this man! But he did well enough. I just don’t care about him.

Riker Lynch—He danced well enough, but the judges way over-marked him. And he’s already annoying me.

So, I’m rooting for Patti, Nastia, Michael, and Redfoo. Chris and Rumer are, shockingly, next. I wish they could eliminate Riker, Willow, Charlotte, and Suzanne in one sweep, but that would be too much to hope for.

No matter how any of them do, it’s still hard to watch the show with that uber-creepy co-host, Erin whatever-her-name-is. Mr. X gets so disgusted every time she pulls these people over by declaring, “Get over here, you.” She’s beyond disgusting, on every level. And on this first show, she was so rude to Chris Soules’ new fiancee!!! On-air, she insinuated that he could really go for his dance partner. After he had just gotten engaged! She makes me want to puke.

Julianne Hough.

One last note on the season premiere, this time a laudatory one: Sophomore judge Julianne Hough looked gorgeous! The dress, make-up, hair, even her boobs were working. I’m so glad she’s finally back to looking like her adorable self because last season, it looked like the hair and make-up teams were out to sabotage her!

Okay, now, as promised, here’s my Nastia Lukin story:

We did a celeb event together in New York a couple of years ago, for Isaac Mizrahi, (who was very nice, by the way,) and she was as sweet as could be. She was so quiet that I didn’t even realize it was the Olympic champion at first! After we got our hair and make-up done during the day, we started chatting, and she laughed at everything I said. (So I knew I loved this girl already.) Then it dawned on me who she was! When we saw each other at the soiree that night, it was like we were old friends. She seemed happy when I bestowed upon her the designation of My New Best Friend. But that title is fleeting, so I’m really hoping that she’ll soon have the one of Dancing With The Stars Champion, to help her get over the loss of the MNBF one from me. You go, girl!

If you missed Part I of my New Fall Television Shows review, you can read it here: itsnotaboutme.tv/news/tv-reviews-new-fall-television-shows-2014-part-i

I guess I’m right about a lot of them because several that I approved of, like Black-ish and Forever, have already been renewed, and many that I hated, like Selfie, Bad Judge, Manhattan Love Story, and A To Z, have already been cancelled!!! And I believe that Mulaney (second review below,) is about to join them. (At least I hope it is!)

So, I guess I am a good judge of what’s good and not. Read on for the second half of the season’s newbies. (And remember—I’m reviewing only new network shows.)

[Note#1 : I wrote some of these reviews weeks ago, when the shows first came on, but held them until all the new shows aired.] [Note #2: I left-out Constantine because I just can’t force myself to watch occult kind of shows. Sorry.]

THE BEST

See why I don’t know which guy to root for? Which one would YOU go for???

Jane the Virgin (CW)–I love this show!!! It has everything! I have to admit that at first, I was a tad confused because there were so many storylines. But I could not believe how much had already happened by the end of episode three. It’s so jam-packed. And I have no idea which way anything will go. My only problem with it is that I like both lead guys, so I keep agonizing over which one to root for. Mature of me, eh? Maybe that’s why I watch the CW to begin with!!!

DREADFUL

Mulaney (Fox)–There’s so much to say about this show, and it’s all bad! Where shall I start? This is possibly the worst supposed sitcom I’ve ever seen! It’s not funny, some lines are actually offensive, the main dude can’t act…at all, and everyone else is overacting to the max. Lorne Michaels is losing it–first the dreadful first few SNLs of the season, and now this lummox. Not even Martin Short, of whom I’m a big fan, can make it funny. And, are they thinking they’re making it Seinfeld? With the stand-up opening and tag, the group of zany pals, including one girl with boy problems, and one weirdo who drops in. It’s a straight-up rip-off except for one thing–Mulaney isn’t funny!!! They tried to get it on the air last year, with no luck, and it should have stayed that way. I think Fox picked it up just to get in good with Lorne. What a piece of crap. It’s like a long bad SNL skit. Mr. X said it’s not a sit-com, it’s a sit-bomb!

Cristela (ABC)–This is the only series on the list (that I first read the roster of new shows on) that didn’t even have a network listed for it!  I think they were trying to spare ABC the embarrassment. It’s supposedly a sitcom, (although Mr. X and I didn’t even smile once during the pilot!,) about a female Latina in law school later in life. But it’s one hundred percent insulting to Latinos! It’s wall-to-wall Latino jokes, not even one lawyer one! But all totally un-funny ones. And most of them predictable. I said half the lines before the actors did! I love being right, but not in this sad case.

OKAY ENOUGH

Marry Me (NBC)–So far, I’ve had time for only the pilot. But it looked promising. I had some good laughs. I’ll be going back for more, as soon as I can find the time.

The McCarthys (CBS)–I actually like this sitcom about an Irish family in Massachusetts. The best part to me is adorable Tyler Ritter. I had no idea anything about this show before I saw the pilot, but the second I saw it, I knew he had to be a John Ritter son. He looks so much like his dad and brother, (actor Jason,) but is by far the cutest of them. And, here’s some news for him, should I ever meet him: he and his brother saw me pee (by accident, of course,) when they were little!!! That’s an ice-breaker if I ever heard one.

State of Affair (NBC)–I literally had to force myself to keep watching this pilot. It was almost torture. It’s another one like Madam Secretary whose fake angst we don’t need when we have it all, unfortunately, in real life. And the story was incredibly hard to follow. (And I have a 147 IQ!) But something happened at the end that made me decide to try one more episode. I think it was the appearance of a mysterious co-hort. (Don’t all shows like this have one of them?) I’m pretty sure I’ll abandon it soon enough, but, as of now, I plan to go back for one more. As long as I can have something else to do while the first forty-five minutes of it are on!

The Flash (CW)–I had no problem that the guy got hit by lightning, and became the fastest human on earth. But what I do have a problem is with, is: how was he in a coma for nine months, but woke-up with perfect hair??? How did it not grow at all for the nine months, and stayed moussed/gelled the whole time? And he didn’t have even one whisker on his face! How is that even possible? And how did he get out of Star Lab so quickly the first time, before he had the power of swiftness? The place was a condemned building for nine months, and looks like it had trenches around it, and he had no jacket nor car. All that stuff is so unbelievable. And of course he has the obligatory deceased-parent-in-a-mysterious-way back-story. But Grant Gustin, the guy who plays him, is adorable!!!!!!! [Note #3: I just found-out something big! No wonder I love this guy; we have the same January 14th birthday!!! And I love me!]

And that’s it for the 2014 TV reviews. On Monday, I have one more important television event to write about—begging you all to vote for Alfonso Ribeiro on the Dancing With The Stars finale that night! Heck, let’s just get a head start on that right now: The # to vote for Alfonso and Witney is 1-800-868-3401.

I always look forward to the new Fall TV shows. But I think this may just be the first year I haven’t loved any of the baker’s dozen I’ve viewed so far. I think the only survivor into my regular viewing will be Black-ish, but that’s it. Here are my reviews on all the shows that have been aired to date, (keeping in mind that, although Mr. X and I had one of the only real satellite dishes in Los Angeles back in the day, I’ve always been a network-only kind-of girl):

MOST PROMISING

Cast of Black-ish.

Black-ish  (ABC)–I was really expecting to hate this one, (an opinion based on Anthony Anderson’s last sitcom attempt–the dreadful 2012 Guys With Kids,) but Mr. X and I actually laughed. We’ve both been involved in the “urban,” (as the show amusingly puts it,) world for most of our lives, so I was worried this show would be somewhat weird or offensive. But, it actually handled the world of successful black families perfectly. I don’t think any ethnicity can be offended by it. And the acting is all good. This one gets a definite season’s run from me. As of now.

Forever (ABC)–Even though I’ve seen this show a million times before, in other incarnations, (funny I should use that word about a show where a man dies and comes back to life immediately, for the past two centuries,) such as New Amsterdam, and every vampire show ever made, I’m a sucker for non-painful detective shows. But it’s very derivative of Elementary, with a smart English dude who observes ever little detail, and deduces whodunnit based on that. This one is very formulaic, but that’s what my always-busy mind needs in these TV shows. Forever is not clever, but easy, and it’s a mystery, so, although I was ready to turn it off in the first ten minutes of the pilot, I’m in for awhile longer. Which means, it should get cancelled really soon.

OKAY ENOUGH

The Mysteries of Laura (NBC)–This one has an iota of promise, if I can take Debra Messing thinking she’s so cute and funny. She’s actually neither. (And she needs to stop appearing in a bathing suit and underwear, thinking she’s so svelte just because she’s not as big as a house anymore; everyone who’s seen even the ads for the show are making fun of her!) But, Josh Lucas is. At least cute; the jury is still out on funny. I’ll continue with this one because I’m a benign-murder-procedural junkie. The most annoying thing about this show is, shockingly, not Messing! It’s her character’s twins sons. They’re really too destructive and rotten for audiences to enjoy. I kept rooting for Adrian Peterson to show up, if you get my drift. (What? Too soon?)

How to Get Away With Murder (ABC)–Viola Davis and I were in the same college theatre department, and are both very friendly with our former professor, Dr. William Hutchinson, so I always feel a kinship to her, and want to support anything she does. This one may be a bit hard, though, even though I do think it will last the season. But I was bored to death for the first fifteen minutes or so of the pilot. It finally got somewhat interesting about forty minutes in. The story itself is sort-of confusing, and not very well done. And it was very weird to have her say that she and her husband were “talking about having a baby!” Isn’t Viola around fifty??? But it is, by far, the best she has ever looked, so big props to the make-up people!

Cast of Gotham.

Gotham (Fox)–This Batman-prequel is the only yin-and-yang show of the season for me. I like the old-timey feel and look of it. But it’s way too violent for my taste. And I need the time and cast of characters more defined. There were no cell phones back the day, which is what I thought the timeframe of this story was, especially from the look of the cars. So, if it’s supposed to be modern-day, for some reason, the look is all wrong. I hate being this confused. (I know it’s supposed to be all comic book-y, but I still want to know what’s up.) Also, the pilot started-out so sad, with us having to see Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed. I will go back for more, for awhile at least, but I’m not really ready to see Ben McKenzie, the hero of my favorite show of all-time, The OC, be a grown-up yet.

Gracepoint (Fox
 )–This murder mystery is definitely interesting, but time is portrayed terribly. In the first episode, they finally say the dead body was found at 6:42AM. So let me get this straight–the entire town is awake, and at work, and in the middle of a school field day, before 7AM?!?! How unrealistic is that??? A big city couldn’t even do all this in one day, so how does this little town, that never saw a homicide before, get it all done in the space of a few hours? And they’re all wearing at least fall attire, so it wouldn’t stay light out that late. Even if they did have really twelve hours, they could never accomplish so much of what was portrayed, in a sleepy little town. And why does no one there wash their hair??? The lead detective is so dirty-looking. There’s no need for that. Real-life little towns all over should be offended by the portrayal of everyone as not caring about their looks. The old man police chief is the only one with clean hair! Oh, and the young girl reporter from the big city, too, of course! And the father of the deceased boy is a plumber, so why does he have the cleanest nails ever??? (By the way—I give the actor big props for his clean hands!) The show kept my attention, and I’ll, of course, watch all ten episodes, (even though it should be billed as a mini-series, and not a new Fall show,) but there are so many inconsistencies. It’s a pretty town and beach, though. (Slight spoiler alert, of a great line: When describing the horror of losing her child, the mother says, “I feel so far away from myself.” What a great line! Props to the writer who came up with that one!)

A to Z (NBC)–
This show’s pilot, about the start of a relationship, (that we’re told is actually ending at the end of the season—if the producers aren’t expecting to it last beyond that, why should the audience get invested?,) was weak, but sort-of okay. The guy is really cute, though. The girl probably is, too, but Mr. X said she isn’t, and I can’t take her teeth. (Great review, eh?)

I COULDN’T FORCE MYSELF TO CONTINUE

Bad Judge (NBC
)–What an aptly named show! They could have even left-off the second word. I couldn’t make-out a word the star, Kate Walsh, said! All she did was slur. I guess she thinks that’s supposed to be how her character would do it, but if the audience can’t understand you, it’s a wash. This is, perhaps, the best of the worst, though. The whole pilot was pretty weak, but I may try one more episode, if I can find the time. The people involved in making this show better hope they never come up in front of a real judge–they’ll have the book thrown at them!!!

Manhattan Love Story (ABC)–In this day and age of super clever and funny sitcoms, like Modern Family, New Girl, and Big Bang Theory, crap like this is totally inexcusable. Period.

Cast of Scorpion.

Scorpion (CBS
)–This–I guess action–show actually did grab me from the first minute. But then it started to resemble the MacGruber skits on SNL. And it got really sappy, especially at the end. So, it would take that whole team of geniuses to invent a way to get me to watch another episode of it.

Selfie (ABC)–
I could not make out a word the girl on this show said. Everything was a fast aside. And it’s a bad premise to begin with. I think they were trying to make it a Pygmalion story, but someone that rude, selfish, self-obsessed, and clueless is not a sweet, uneducated flower girl. I know they’re trying to make it attractive to the younger generation, but many are already like this themselves, so it’s not funny to them. And the young ‘uns who are polite enough to not have anti-social behavior like this see it enough in our day-to-day lives, and don’t need to see it on the screen. And there was no chemistry whatsoever between the two leads, even though I’ve liked John Cho on other projects. And Mr. X said it was “too not credible.” I want my half hour back, which felt like several hours. [Note: I had not heard the main character’s name until the end, but it turns-out they are aiming for this show to be an updated Pygmalion./My Fair Lady. Audrey Hepburn must be rolling in her grave, and I’m just rolling my eyes.]

Red Band Society (Fox)–After several tries, I still couldn’t finish the pilot of this “medical dramedy.” But it was neither dramatic nor comedic, in my book. It was just unrealistic and sad. Yes, I’m really glad that children in this predicament will have someone on TV to identify with, but there’s just something I-don’t-know-what about it. The characters are young people with cancer/missing limbs, the obligatory bitch (who’s way too much of one,) and even a boy in a coma. And he’s the narrator! I’m sorry to say that I have to drop this one.

Madam Secretary (CBS
)–I had to force myself to keep watching the pilot. It’s hard to watch fake political upheaval with so much real horror happening in the world. We know there are d-bags in Washington; we don’t need to see it fictionalized. It was ill-advised for CBS to pick it up in the first place. And it’s hard to listen to two such masculine, lisped voices from females, in Tea Leoni and Bebe Neuwirth. At least the teen-age son has a feminine voice! (In one scene, Tea asked her husband if she now has masculine energy. I don’t think there’s anything new about it!!!) The cast is the same generic actors who are in every political drama. And could the woman who plays her stylist be less attractive? Actually, it’s a not great-looking cast all the way around, outside of Tea and Tim Daly. At the last minute, they threw in that “accident mystery” to get us to come back. And it worked on me–but for just one more; the first episode was a true snooze-fest. [Note #1: The second I finished watching it, and turned to a news site, the headline read “Air Strikes: Syria!” Oysh.] [Note #2: I did try to watch one more, but quit in the first minute. This show is just too stressful, and not entertaining enough to endure that.]

As soon as the next crop of newbies is aired, I’ll give you the lowdown on them, as well. Consider yourselves warned!