DANCING WITH THE STARS–SEASON 19

 

We go from last week’s supreme dancer, (SYTYCD winner, Ricky Ubeda,) to the most lummox dance cast in the history of dance!

Dancing With The Stars has really gone downhill in the “stars” category. It’s bad enough they hired that goony co-host last season, but this cast is ridiculous.

This show should be banned from using the word “stars.” These virtual strangers may wind-up being good dancers, and entertaining, but, outside of “Carlton,” there’s not one “star” in the bunch!

Stars? I know less than half of them! The only possible star is Alfonso Ribeiro, and he’s really only known as his character name, “Carlton!” (From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, for you less hip peeps.) At least we’ll get to see the “Carlton dance” a few times, which I love. And Alfonso’s a dancer! He actually began his career on Broadway, starring in The Tap Dance Kid, which is a major dance show. And then he appeared in that famous Pepsi commercial, dancing with Michael Jackson! So, he’s been a professional dancer since he was a kid. Talk about an advantage.

I know Lola Jones, but only because I’m Olympics-obsessed.

My money’s on either Alfonso or Antonio Sabato, Jr., whom I’ve heard of only because he won Circus of the Stars several years ago, and was intense doing so. (His only real show business credit is a couple of years on a soap, twenty years ago! How is that a “star?”) And Alfonso also won Celebrity Duets, (whose name I got right before I looked it up,) years ago, as well. (Do I watch this fake celeb stuff, or what?)

It looks like soon they’ll be getting to Public Access people, so I guess I still have a chance to get on there. (Once my broken back is fixed, that is. I have to just keep my fingers crossed that Derek is still on there then.)

I don’t think I’ve ever given you my thoughts on the whole cast before, so doing it this way is new for me. Here’s my rundown on this year’s crop, with the professional dancers listed first (because, let’s face it, aren’t they the real stars of the show?!):

1. Witney Carson and Alfonso Ribeiro (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)–She’s really cute, and people seem to love her, especially since she’s not skinny, and as I said above, Alfonso’s a real dancer, so this team should, at the very least, make the finals, and win it, if true talent is the real arbiter.

2. Cheryl Burke and Antonio Sabato Jr. (General Hospital–yeah, two decades ago!)–Being paired with two-time champ, Cheryl, gives this intense guy a fighting chance. But he’s far from a star! I predict at least the top three for this duo.

3. Keo Motsepe and Lolo Jones (Olympic track and field athlete)–Yeah, we know her, (from both the Summer and Winter Olympics, and…being an admitted virgin!,) but who’s this guy? New pros are usually at a disadvantage, unless they’re paired with a big star. And, by the way, I correctly predicted to Mr. X that they were going to have a black guy pro this season! I was just wrong about which exact one it would be.

4. Tony Dovolani and Betsey Johnson (fashion designer)–She’s a very famous clothing designer, (whose fashions I’ve been wearing for years.) but I still don’t think that qualifies her as a star. She’s nutty, though, so that might make for some fun, even though I predict she’ll be gone really soon, if not the very first week. I met her at her sunglasses collection launch in the Hamptons a few years ago, and, while the photogs were taking snaps of her and me, she told me she loved my glasses. They were hers! I put them on for the photo, to be nice, but she didn’t even recognize her own design! Oysh.

5. Peta Murgatroyd and Tommy Chong (half of comedy duo Cheech & Chong–duh)–At least the cast will be “feeling good” as long as he’s on there!

6. Artem Chigvinstev and Lea Thomson (actress whose biggest credit is perhaps Back to the Future)–She’s actually a real star, but they saddled her with a new pro whom no one knows. And she’s one of the oldest contestants. Unless they’re paired with Derek Hough, the oldies have practically no chance at the victory.

7. Val Chmerkovskiy and Janel Parrish (Pretty Little Liars)–I actually watch a different show on ABC Family, (the fun and interesting Twisted,) but no other self-respecting grown-up does. So, no one watching the basically geriatric DWTS will know who she is, either.

8. Allison Holker and Jonathan Bennett (Mean Girls)–This new pro dancer is so much more famous than her supposed star! (He was in one big movie a decade ago, and has done some lesser work since. That’s a working actor, not a star, for Pete’s sake.) Allison is a fabulous dancer (and is another one from SYTYCD, which has become sort-of a farm team for DWTS,) but she’s not a ballroom one, so her hiring is not fair to the zillions of trained ballroom dancers out there now, is it?!

9. Emma Slater and Michael Waltrip (race car driver)–She’s the worst of the pros, and on top of that, they always saddle her with the worst competitor, so, though I’m not familiar with him, I don’t give them much of a chance.

10. Sharna Burgess and Travis Smiley (talk show host)–Heard of him, know nothing about him. May be one of the first to go because Sharna, though gorgeous, doesn’t have much of a following.

11. Karina Smirnoff and Randy Couture (UFC champion)–I have no idea on this one. Never heard of the guy, but I’m sure fighting fans have.

12. Mark Ballas and Sadie Robertson (Duck Dynasty)–You’ve got to be kidding me with this one. That’s all I have to say.

13. Derek Hough and Bethany Mota (YouTube person)–She should just be on a special edition of this show, where everyone‘s from YouTube. Having success on there does not make you a star.

But even worse than the lack of really famous contestants is…no Maks!!! How will I make it through the season?! Perhaps he’s fed-up with the show’s less-than-stellar casts, too.

Hopefully, the addition of Julianne Hough to the judging panel will spice things up, since Len Goodman has always been the only judge with ballroom dance knowledge. He should be happy to have a fellow ballroom hoofer judging with him. But I still think it’s odd that she’ll have to judge her brother.

We’ll just have to wait and see how it all pans out. And, as rightfully happened last year with Meryl Davis (partnered with Maks,) let the best dancer win!