THREE QUICK REVIEWS OF AWFUL MOVIES
The reviews of these three movies are quick–they don’t merit lots of discourse. As far as I’m concerned, they’re some of the ones to avoid, even when they come to cable, which should be really soon, if you get my drift.
SOMEWHERE
I almost walked out of the house without glasses, and when I got home, I realized it wouldn’t have really mattered for this one! This is one of the slowest movies I’ve ever seen.
But I should have realized it would be weak–the writer-director is Sophia Coppola, the person who brought us the annoying Lost In Translation. If I had paid more attention to what I was RSVPing to, I might have stayed home.
When it was over, my pal leaned over and whispered, “Somewhere? This should have been titled Nowhere.” I hear ya on that one!
It was like a student film of one long object exercise that you have to do in Acting 101 class. No fooling–I think no one talked for the first fifteen minutes of the only ninety-eight minutes.
As it went one, I got a little more into it because I finally figured-out what Sophia was going for, which she confirmed in her post-screening comments. But give me a break with this pace! And the stupid ending. Even she couldn’t explain it! And she’s the one who wrote it! I guess it’s supposed to be a look at a major movie star’s really humdrum existence, but we got that in the first few minutes.
And what’s wrong with the parents of the Fanning girls? First they allow Dakota to do that rape movie, and now Elle gets to be in this bore-and-a-half.
Surprisingly, Stephen Dorff, whom I’ve never seen before, but is the star of Somewhere, (and in every scene,) was kind-of interesting in the Q-and-A. He’s a self-confessed smoker, which you can tell immediately when he speaks, and we all know how I feel about smokers, but he explained so much more than did the director. Strange.
Elle just laughed like an idiot, but then again, she’s only twelve, though she looks about eighteen. And Sophia spoke with one hand waving the whole time in that affected manner of many show business folk. The whole event made me wish I was Somewhere else.
BARNEY’S VERSION
Yeah, like these three would be attracted to...
While it’s always a treat to see Dustin Hoffman on film, (or in person, for that matter,) even he couldn’t save this one.
There are two big problems with Barney’s Version to begin with, (outside of the stupid title.) The first is that it veers too much from what is set-up at the beginning to be the main premise, a murder mystery of a man possibly wrongly-accused. They forgot all about it till the very last few sentences, leaving us confused as to why it was part of the story to begin with. (To be fair, it’s based on a novel and is not an original screenplay.)
...HIM!!!
The second is something I feel awful saying, but it’s the elephant in the room. Okay, here goes: (this would be so much easier to say out loud on my show, because than you could all see how bad I really feel pointing it out.): There is just no way that someone who looks like Paul Giamatti would get all these chicks! I don’t care how great the character’s personality might be, though this film neglected to show that aspect, as well. So, we’re to believe that these chicks, especially his attractive third wife, played by Rosamund Pike, would be interested in him as soon as they meet??? Come on, filmmakers, give us a break! No way. It’s just very strange casting.
I don’t have anymore time in my life to waste on this movie, so that’s it. Bad casting, no pay-off, and weird storyline. That’s Karen’s Version of this debacle!
HOW DO YOU KNOW
Reese's expression here tells us she must have just seen her own movie!
How do you know? By listening to Mr. X! He saw the promos for this one and refused to go to the screening. I wish I had joined him in his not seeing it!
I don’t want to waste anymore time on it, so suffice it to say that it blows. Plain and simple. Boring, confusing, and downright stupid.
I loved Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, but the love affair is over with this bomb. And, the make-up person should be kicked out of the union for allowing Reese’s moustache to be so noticeable! It was downright distracting. I thought she was going to twirl that baby! And I never noticed that she has bad teeth before. And her hair looked dirty and skanky the whole time. I wouldn’t even wear that hair to the screening of it, let alone be in the film with it!
And her character’s removal from the national softball team, which seemed to be what it was about in the beginning, was never brought into play after the first few minutes. It was all just stupid.
And I can see why Jack Nicholson doesn’t do a lot of movies anymore–he looked like someone’s old grandpa. Sad. I was never a fan, but it’s still sad.
This is supposed to be a romantic comedy, but it was neither romantic nor comic, except for a few of Owen Wilson’s deliveries, which still didn’t make me laugh. Even once. The storyline was just all over the place and hard to follow at times. I still don’t know what Paul Rudd’s character was in legal trouble for, and I have a 147 IQ!
And there was zero chemistry between Reese and Owen and less than that between Reese and Paul.
Okay, I’ve spent way more time on this hack job than I want to, so that’s it for this one.
Movies like these three are an insult to filmmaking. I’d rather spend two and a half hours being depressed by Javier Bardem’s stunning Biutiful than even one second on these beyond-banalities.
