KATE MIDDLETON’S DREADFUL PORTRAIT

I had a totally other column planned for today, (it was even already drafted, all ready to be published in a few minutes from now,) but I woke-up to see that frightful portrait of Kate Middleton staring back at me from every news and gossip site on the internet! It’s so abominable that I just had to weigh-in. And what I have to say is way too many characters for twitter! (I know it is—I tried.)

OMG!!!

That “official” portrait of Kate Middleton is the worst I’ve ever seen! It looks like she’s recovering from a beating! Her nose is puffy, the “artist” gave her under-eye circles, and he has her mouth tightly shut as if she’s hiding bad teeth, which is far from the case in real-life. They need to commission another one, pronto! This one is worse than the profile of me that a man in Macy’s basement in Brooklyn did when I was eight years old! I had to explain to him where to put a line to show my arm, and instead he drew in a whole “arm” that looked like I was a patchwork doll!!! And that’s more than a step up from this one of Kate!

Besides the nose, eyes, and weird skin, why would anyone paint her official portrait, that will be hanging there for posterity, with her mouth closed like that??? It isn’t even closed in a quiet, classy way, which would be okay for a portrait; it’s closed like she’s hiding braces or something! Or making an ironic face about someone. It’s just strange. That part actually semi looks like her on occasion, but not the way any of us want to see her forever.

This is what she should have been painted looking like! Erasing the few "I'm a bit tired" lines under her eyes, of course!

And she has a lovely smile! Why not show that???

I’m amazed that the powers-that-be over there didn’t commission a few artists to do one each, (they have enough money, after all,) and then choose the best one. That would have made more sense. And, the monarchy seems to try to keep everything in check, (except for Harry’s behavior, of course,) so why didn’t someone check-out this portrait before they unveiled it, and make the guy try again?

I really am seriously appalled; I’m not being flip about this. It’s causing me pain for the poor girl. Here’s an idea: they must have someone pilfer it, unofficially, of course, so they can have it re-done. Even if it’s by the same artist, they must have it painted right this time.

If Kate hadn’t already been throwing-up recently, one look at this painting of her would have done the trick! It sure is working that way for me!