GOLDEN GLOBES 2013

 

The January 13 Golden Globes Awards were the night before my birthday on the 14, (yeah, that’s right—some of you missed it!,) and the same day as two football play-off games, so I didn’t really spare a lot of time to watch the arrivals. I saw just the first few, and last few, minutes of NBC’s coverage, which provided me with just three bon mots to share here:

Matt Lauer actually has a dowager’s hump from his dreadful posture.

I’m going to vomit now; Anne Hathaway just said that her mother told her that hers was her mom’s favorite Fantine portrayal (in Les Miz.) Duh. Whose mother doesn’t think that of their child??? (I have a feeling my little mo didn’t think I was the best western actress ever, as Emma May Crawley in Brothers In Arms, but I was still her favorite!!!)

The NBC hosts are a bunch of hunched-over schleps. (Except that, even though her posture needs a bit of sprucing-up, as well, Natalie Morales is beautiful, and gracious to everyone.) And I can’t think of Al Roker anymore without picturing his shart-filled shorts. It’s a great diet technique, though; if it catches on, it could signal the end for his network’s own The Biggest Loser!

Now, lets get right to my thoughts as the actual awards show moved along, in linear order:

Robert Downey, Jr. and Mel Gibson chatting it up. That must have been a weird convo.

Best Tina Fey ever looked. Ever!!!

Photo by Karen Salkin.

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were perfect! Their opening dialogue was close to brilliant, especially Amy’s delivery of the line, “No one plans to do porn.”

This is the absolute best Kate Hudson and Bradley Cooper ever looked! They looked like what movies stars should. Only, he has no top lip.

Leonardo DiCaprio is so handsome now! His looks never did anything for me before, only his acting. But now he’s gorgeous, as well!

Hugh Jackman enjoying the show. OMG! This guy never takes a bad picture! Photo by Karen Salkin.

Hugh Jackman…OMG. [Note: insert that same gasp in to every time the cameras cut to him.]

Best Dennis Quaid ever looked, too! There are some excellent stylists and make-up artists in this town nowadays, I guess.

Everyone looks great! I’m in shock over it. And, believe it or not, that makes me so much happier than having to point out how bad everyone looks does. Really. But it means that this column will be shorter than the usual ones on awards shows, because there will be a lot less to snark about!

Love that it’s two globes people. But Michael J. Fox‘s son should stand up straight! Come on with all these bad postures already. (Most of the presenters are standing tall in their great attire, though, which is great to see.)

Julianne Moore–now that’s red hair! But what a stupid thing to say when she won: “Oh my God, my children will be so relieved.” What about the other nominees’ kids??? Huh? It’s okay for those families to feel bad? I don’t get that sentiment. At all.

When Julianne thanked her beau for “seventeen great years,” Mr. X thanked me for three. The only thing is we’ve been together for over fifteen.

Matt LeBlanc.

Catherine Zeta-Jones always has that little sashay. It’s interesting.

Please Matt LeBlanc, color your hair! You’re making me feel old, which is a first.

Damian Lewis, who won for Homeland, gave an excellent speech. It brought tears to my eyes.

I love Mayim Bialik on The Big Bang Theory, so I feel bad saying this, but if ever they do The Margaret Hamilton Story, she’s a shoe-in!

As if Jennifer Lawrence couldn’t get any cooler, she was sitting in the audience wearing a big white jacket, that looked like it belonged to a guy there, who gave it to her because she was cold. A waiter, perhaps???

All the females looked so great, like JLo, that all the Spanx in the world must be working overtime.

Speaking of Jennifer Lopez, she was very on top of it to add, “Life of Pi” to the announcement of the composer winner, after Jason Stratham said just the gentleman’s name.

And I loved her almost-naked-but-not-quite dress!!! Loved it!

Why did they have that weirdo musician Yoshiki bring out an award??? That was so out of place!

I knew Adele would win, so the Golden Globes would get her on stage before the Oscars do, where she’ll be singing her nominated song from Skyfall. And I also knew her speech would be so genuine and unclassy, in a good way. And I correctly predicted that she’d say, “Fank you!”

Jessica Alba looked great. I just hope that her lipstick is in the bright orange family, rather than red, because red would clash with her dress.

Who’s more monotone than Kevin Costner? How is that guy an actor???

Jessica Lange.

Bill Clinton…how fun! What a good surprise! I’ve never seen cameras go off in the banquet room before!!!! That means the stars were the ones taking the pix of him!!!

Amy Poehler–great line: “That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!”

I’m so happy for Jessica Lange to have a resurgent career, I am. But, poor thing, no one has ever aged worse than she.

I hadn’t thought that Bill Murray could get any worse-looking, but his weirdo gray beard proved me wrong that night.

Tommy Lee Jones is not amused by Wiig and Ferrell making jokes about his awful film, Hope Springs. Photo by Karen Salkin.

Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell were hilarious. The only one who didn’t seem to agree was sour-ass Tommy Lee Jones, who didn’t even come close to cracking a smile.

Even though she’s not foreign, (the Hollywood Foreign Press loves to hook-up foreigners; duh,) I knew Jennifer Lawrence would win because the HFPA wants to get in good with her early on, as they did with Meryl Streep.

Pregnant Kristen Bell.

Kristen Bell had on the absolute best pregnancy dress ever! Slutty Kim Kardashian–take note.

There is no one in show business I can’t stand more than Anne Hathaway. Every single thing about her is phony; her speech, arm movements, even her kiss of her husband. Did anyone else notice the applause die down when they announced her? How does she keep getting jobs??? She’s not even talented! She’s so nothing special and is just depressing. Her behavior is right out of a college theatre department! A community college theatre department, at that!

Mr. X said, “Next to ‘cliché’ in the encyclopedia, it’s going to have Anne Hathaway’s Golden Globes speech.”

As much as I always joke that I want to marry Hugh Jackman, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just sit around and stare at him all day.

Throughout last year’s bad film, In Time, Amanda Seyfried was running–fast!–in heels! Yet, she limped out in her heels on this show. Odd.

Yeah, like that young blonde chick would be dating Quentin Tarantino if he wasn’t rich and famous.

Jeremy Irons.

Jeremy Irons‘ outfit looked like he was playing a butler somewhere in town, and had to run over from dress rehearsal. And his affected speech has got to be calmed down.

Debra Messing should protest having to stand next to Lucy Liu when she, Debra, is so chubby to begin with. But at least her left eye stays open, so she’s got that over Lucy. (Okay, I’m ashamed of myself for pointing that one out.)

I’ve never even heard of House of Lies, let alone seen it, but I can promise you that Don Cheadle, who won for that show, can’t possibly be better in the comedy category than brilliant Jim Parsons!

Loved the speech by the Amour dude. (I think he produced that film, and I think he’s from Poland, but I really don’t have time to check back for all the deets on this one.)

The most non-chemistry between presenting duos goes to Lea Michele and Nathan Fillion. Can you say duds???

Sacha Baron Cohen‘s stupid bit fell as flat as Kerry Washington‘s chest.

Mel Gibson is so rude!!! He kept talking and/or picking his teeth during people’s speeches, even though he knew he was front and center.

Jodie Foster‘s kids look exactly the same as each other, only about ten years apart! How does that happen???

I’ve always loved Jodie Foster! Her speech was truly wonderful. She’s a class act all the way.

Shockingly, gorgeous Halle Barry‘s dress is the only one that looked strange! On the boobs. It was the stupid material, but it made them look two very different sizes and shapes. Why would someone wear something that does that to them?

JLo’s exes, read Ben Affleck and Diddy, filled the room. Only Mark Anthony was missing.

Why did Jeremy Renner have the weird, creepy, dirty-looking mustache? He looked worse than ever! And he’s not a good looking guy to begin with!

Jessica Chastain said she was in a career struggle for years. Wah-wah. Who in show business hasn’t??? What a stupid statement to make, especially to a room full of people who’s gone through the same experience. (Well, maybe not Lena Dunham, but…) Welcome to show biz, idiot.

Daniel Day-Lewis is as gracious as he is intelligent. I love him. But I have a feeling he might hate me.

Julia Roberts being there at the end was a surprise! A strange one, but  a surprise nonetheless. I’m sure none of us has thought of her in years.

I wonder if the HFPA changed their vote for Best Picture to Argo after Ben Affleck was snubbed by the Academy a few days earlier. I have a feeling they do that sort of that thing.

Regarding Argo, I thought it was okay enough, but Mr. X was far from impressed with it. I haven’t seem most of the films yet, but I was so just “eh” on this one that I didn’t even have enough to say about it to write a review. I had nothing good nor bad. It just was.

Okay, that’s it for this year’s Golden Globes. But now I have to get cracking on telling you about the attendant gifting suites, and then get ready for the SAG Awards, the Grammys, and we’ll finish the season with the Oscars near the end of February. I hope my poor typing fingers can handle it all!